To have a 4th child or not? Post Reply

[Bluebutterfly]

We have 3 children at the moment and i would really love to have a fourth, but I'm wondering whether it is a sensible decision for our family. My main concern is whether each child would get enough individual attention from us, as parents, or whether this is compensated for by increased sibling interaction?! As our children are still quite young i find it really hard to imagine how much emotional support, help with homework, taking and fetching to activities etc they will need in say 5 or 10 years time. Also at the moment my husband works long hours, travels abroad now and again, and although he is a fantasic father and very helpful to me when he is around, it is not unusual for him to only see the kids for half an hour a day during the week, so the main day to day care would be very much down to me. (At least for the next couple of years, after that he is likely to take a job with better work/life balance.) I realise it has other implications - financially (it would be a stretch but I think we could manage), physically for me another pregnancy (I'm 37 but feel I've aged a lot since my last from lack of sleep!) I'm trying to work out how much of my desire to have a 4th is down to fear of what will happen when my youngest starts reception (how will I justify my existence at home all day?) Everyone I know who is one of 4 wants to have 4 children themselves - is that co-incidence or is there really something very special about it? I would love to hear from parents of 4 (or more) who have any advice to offer!

[Camille]

If you "would love to have a fourth" go for it. You sound like a great Mum and Dad and I am sure you would manage to give all four all the support they may need. I think the heart should rule the head sometimes...good luck

[Jetsettingbaby]

I only have one child my self (due a 2nd soon) but I am the eldest of 4 and i have to say I loved it. As adults we are so close and it seems that unlike 3 where the middle one can feel left out 4 just seemed to be the , as you say "perfect" number. My mum said she did find it hard in the beginning as my father also travelled a lot,but I helped out a lot with my youngest I was 10 when she was born. Its only hard for the early years, but as we got older we all just played with each other and helped out. we loved the chaos, big christmases and general closeness that we all still feel. I would say def go for it.. after 3 they say its all the same anyway

[Bluebutterfly]

Thank you both for your lovely positive posts!

[nvmof3]

How old is your oldest? I am number 2 of 4 children, but we were spread over 12 years so we older ones really helped with the little ones (I was 8 and 10 when my younger brothers were born). I think that made it much easier for my mum, as my father was military and sometimes away for months at a time. And once the little ones hit 16 years old, the age gap just disappeared and we are a really really close group of siblings who still holiday together every year. I myself have 3 children and would love to have 4 but I don't have the luxury of spreading them out over a long period to make the childcare more manageable (as I would be too old if I waited until my oldest is old enough to help me) and I genuinely don't think I could cope. But if I were younger, based on my experience as a child, I would definitely definitely have a fourth.

[NYE31]

As the eldest of 3 children spread out over 10 years, I would say def have a 4th if you can as there's always one left out with 3 & it's the same with everyone that we know that has 3 or was one of 3. My husband is the youngest of 3 & wished there had been 4.

I am 39 & only have 1 & would dearly love a 2nd, had I met my husband a decade earlier & had I been able to, I would have loved to have had 4.

Good luck

[stayathomemuminsw11]

If you'd 'love to have a fourth', go for it! I am one of 4, and now we are all older, it is amazing to have three siblings-growing up we did fight (of course!) but were all incredibly close, and we still are now, really, despite the odd falling out with my very spoilt youngest sibling!

We currently have two kids (nearly 4, and 4 months), and my husband would really love 2 more... Financially and emotionally I'm not sure we personally can take it, but you never know. We'll definitely try for 1 more though.

BUT do take the finances into consideration-my husband (who definitely earns less than most of the main breadwinners around here!) doesn't see that is a huge issue-he would be happy to dress the kids head to toe in charity shop stuff, never go on holiday, never re-do the house or buy anything 'nice' in order to have 4 kids-whereas I, while not particularly bothered about expensive clothes or anything for me, would like to be able to afford to do the odd nice thing, and not worry that our kids were unable to do things there friends could (not EVERY little thing, I don't want spoilt kids!) but some of the things... and for us as it stands, we couldn't do that if we had 4. Still, I (fortunately!) have a bit of time on my side...

Sorry, starting to ramble, but if you'd like a fourth, and have the funds, and think you can get through another pregnancy/birth/tough few years initially-go for it-I loved being one of 4. You never know, I may well join you in the 4 kids camp one day.

[bamse]

I know of 2 families who had twins when trying for their fourth

[Chucka]

Do do do please!

I am the youngest of seven. Six surviving. So grateful to my lovely parents for My Life! My mum was a part-time nurse and my dad a telephone engineer - hard working people but no means executive salaries! We never had a foreign holiday as children together of course. We grew up without central heating, second hand everything in the house, linos and rugs- not carpets, jumble-sale clothes except for a very exceptional occasional "new" outfit etc. As a child I did notice these things for sure and sometimes my friends' quite modest homes seemed to me like luxury homes! But we got through and we did have happy times. And as adult siblings now we have children and nephews and nieces and so much to share together!

My parents just accepted the children God sends -each one a Gift (not a "choice") Faithful Catholics- they would never have contracepted (most of so called 'contraceptives' are abortive anyway) but they could have chosen to use Natural Family Plannning.

We have all done pretty well on state education. We all achieved good University degrees from very decent Universities except one. He rebelled - and now he is on the best income of any of us!

Life really is the most precious gift of all.

[ladyofacertainage]

You seem to have covered most of the things I would have pointed out myself, We have 3 children, 10,13 and 15, when they were small I would have happily had another one but my husband said NO! I am quite happy about that now as 3 take up quite a lot of time even now and it's nice to have some time for yourself and your husband. I am one of 5 (youngest) my husband is also one of 5 (eldest), he sees the downsides of a large family having had to help and always being the eldest takes some responsibility, I see the upside as I was always doted on!
Saying all that go with your gut instinct and go for it, if we had 4 apart from the expense life would be little different, especially as they would be fairly close in age, just watch out for twins or even triplets!

[mummynutterbutters]

Hi there,
I'm in exactly the same dilema! I'm fast approaching the big Four-O, and would love to have a 4th child before the old biological clock dictates otherwise!!
I have primary school age twins, and a very demanding little toddler who keeps me up every night, so I wonder whether I could physically cope with the demands of another at this stage.
I've had Hyperemesis with both pregnancies which was horrendous, although thank God all babies were born healthy.
I too feel i've aged a great deal since having my 3rd, due to endless sleepless nights and broken sleep!! I used to look young for my age, and now with the heavy black shadows under my eyes I probably look about 45!!
My OH is one of four, and they're all so close-knit. I only have a half-brother, and my mother's family is very small and distant. I've never met my father, but am told he was one of 9 children, so I guess that's where I get my desire for a large family.

[MamanMummy]

I am a mother of four, who are now 7, 5, 3 and 18m. It was lovely to read all the very positive replies to your post because even if I adore my children and my family is exactly what I wanted, I do find it very very demanding. I found number 4 to be exactly the same shock to the system as number 1 - having to completely reorganise our life in a new way. This is despite me stopping work, my husband being very involved (although as yours he has a demanding job and he has to travel reasonably often) and our finances being not a worry. With three I felt completely on top and did not need any help, as the younger was very portable. Now it is completely different and I do require help mornings and evenings, so that I can devote time to homework piano violin tennis ballet etc with my two older while the younger are being happy too. Maybe I am a bit of a freak, because I was an only child and I'd like my children to get a similar degree of individual attention to what I got (they never asked to be four). I do manage to give them a lot but to the cost of my me and couple-time.
But then there are all the positives: so much love for mummy, so much fun the six of us without needing anybody else, looking at four little beings developping their very different personalities, all the interactions in our family.
Bottom line: make sure you are completely ready for the challenge if you go for it. I felt very very close to burnout at some stage.

[Bluebutterfly]

It is great reading everyone's perspectives and advice on this - thank you! Especially to Mamanmummy, you must be so busy as a mother of 4 it was extremely kind of you to take the time to post!

Mummynutterbutter like you I already have 1 set of twins (who are sleeping terribly at the moment, resulting in the haggard, ageing face ). I think this makes things a bit easier logistically (if a 4th child were to come along) as for the next few years at least they will have the same routine and be doing more or less the same things. However they are obviously still individual children requiring care, attention etc. I think the chances of having a second set of twins is far higher (something like 1 in 10,000 instead of 1 in 65), but obviously it does happen! And I am heeding the warnings in this thread. I think this is probably my greatest concern!

I've decided the whole pregnancy, lack of sleep, relentlessness of the first couple of years is such a short time in the grand scheme of things that it isn't something to dissuade me. But I do take the point about not being able to manage 4 without help - that is something I need to think further about....

At the moment my heart is definitely ruling my head!

[JThomas]

What a nice set of posts. If you want to convince yourself, you should read Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, which argues everyone should seriously having one more than they think they want.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0465028 ... mdp_mobile

I've always wanted 3 (currently have 2, also twins) and it totally made me think maybe 4...!

Although, I should warn you that I'm pretty sure that if you've had one set of naturally conceived non-ID twins, your chances of another set are 1 in 16. (If your twins were ID, you're no more at risks than anyone else). And everyone's risk of twins increases with age and number of pregnancies.....

[Bluebutterfly]

This book looks very interesting - a completely different perspective on bringing up children! I have taken this from the summary on Amazon:

"Contrarian economist Bryan Caplan argues that we've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore, and don't know the real pluses and minuses of having kids. Parents today spend more time investing in their kids than ever, but twin and adoption research shows that upbringing is much less important than we imagine, especially in the long-run. Kids aren't like clay that parents mould for life; they're more like flexible plastic that pops back to its original shape once you relax your grip. These revelations are wonderful news for anyone with kids. Being a great parent is less work and more fun than you think - so instead of struggling to change your children, you can safely relax and. enjoy your journey together. Raise your children in the way that feels right for you; they'll still probably turn out just fine. Indeed, as Caplan strikingly argues, modern parents should have more kids. Parents who endure needless toil and sacrifice are overcharging themselves for every child. Once you escape the drudgery and worry that other parents take for granted, bringing another child into the world becomes a much better deal. You might want to stock up."

Thanks so much for the recommendation, I am intrigued to read more!