Unexpected very bad news Post Reply

[Confused mom]

I am not sure whether anybody had the same problem as me....I will try to put in word.

I just found out that my husband overspent in the past two years without telling me. And now I found out that he didn't pay mortgage for 6 months, electricity for 3 months and outstanding council tax another 5 months etc etc...the list can go as long as you want. In total it's about £50,000.
I also just found a letter from the bank that they want to repossess our property unless I pay them within next 10 days.thanks god, I found out about this just in time!

I found all these out by myself by going through his suitcase in secret. He didn't even tell me!
Then I confronted him. He got very angry to start with that I went through his belonging. But then I said its my house as well. It's in joint name. The letters were sent to me as well. But he hides all of them from me.

I asked him so many times in the past whether everything ok,money wise, he said "fine - don't worry". He never wanted me to know what's going on financially. We had arguments so many times until I gave up to ask to avoid argument.

Now I found all these out. Then, he said, he wants to provide the lifestyle that he can't afford to us by going into debt. He hoped for a big bonus but it didn't happen. Then he was too scared to tell the family.so he kept on spending.

We have two children (both are in private school), we live in a nice house (only 50% mortgage left to pay). He has a very good job and well paid in the city (£150k plus). I work full time in a very good job and stable (£50k). I pay him 75% of my own pay every month to cover the household expenses and mortgage.

But with all these, I am shocked, speechless, upset and disappointed.
I am wondering, if I pay off the debt this week, my house will be safe? I am planning to clear all the debt that got in my name. Do you think, I am doing the right thing?
And what are my priority in clearing off debt. I never ever be in debt before in my life! I don't even owed a credit card!

To top it off, when I went through his briefcase, I found out he sold(pawn) all my jewellery (from my parents), gold, watches and wedding ring. Which at this point I just have to let go all of those stuff because I have to save the family home first.

Anything worse??!!

[Jude]

Oh my goodness. that sounds awful. definitely contact the bank about your mortgage first. other things like gas, electric, council tax can all be paid off in instalments if you call them and explain the situation. After sorting that out you will feel much better, about the debt anyway (i suspect it will take you a little longer to deal with the anger and disappointment you must feel) knowing you have taken control of the debt and once thats done you and your husband will be able to start to work on a way forward together.

[Confused mom]

Thank you so much.
My parents come in to rescue our house and all debt that's in my name!
So now we left over with his own personal debt which we need to do monthly repayment.
I am taking over the family finance from now.But emotionally, I am so angry with myself. How stupid I am to let things slip to this extend....
And I am not sure I can look at my husband in the same way again.

[Jude]

I don't think its stupid at all. If you are anything like me, we all have so much else on that the last thing we want to deal with is finances - especially if every time you asked you were told its fine! I was like that but my husband was insistent i get to grips with it all and know whats going on with the family finances. I was so resistant about this at first, but now I am grateful for his guidance on this one. For us now, its important to both be involved but thats a personal choice.

Emotions are still raw. Give yourself time. Your husband might be feeling terrible too knowing that he has breached your trust. I hope you find a way to solve this together (if thats what you want) and grow stronger as a result. All the best at finding a balance that works for you and your family with regards finances.

[Sherlika]

I am really sorry for your problem, but you seem to be a sensible lady and I am sure you will get out of this situation.

What concerns me is your husband. Please watch out as he has a problem. I was wondering if he gambles? I just say that because he can overspend again and you will constantly have to pay off his debts. Also, please, do not share credit cards with him. Maybe he needs psychological help.

I am sorry for pointing this out, but this is really serious.

[CHT]

I'm sorry to hear about this, and glad your parents were able to help.

Just to say that if you ever need impartial advice, the Ctitzens Advice Bureau is a brilliant source of free advice on all sorts of things.

[Geraldine]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Okay, you need to 'move' very quick to seek debt advice. The trouble you have is that the mortgage is in your name. Which means you are liability for all debts that your husband has refused to pay. A brilliant debt advice who is well-known is Mike Thomas on LBC radio. He has a website call debtwizard. Get in touch with him and he will call you back. The website is linked with Payplan but be assertive and say you are urgently needing to speak to Mike Thomas and it cannot wait.

In terms of you paying 75% towards bills every month. The question is why? It is 50% marriage and therefore, by allowing him to pay 25% of all household bills will give him the right to take advantage. Whether you like it or not, he cannot be trusted.

I would also look to secure 'your' financial situation and not to worry abou him. Remember you have children and put them first. By you willing to pay for the debt because he wants to live his lifestyle is selfish and you need to have an attitude by saying, this must stop now. You say to him 'you have a duty of care'.

I also think that you will need to investigate your marriage relationship further because if he can fold you over on this, what else is he doing? What is he spending the money on? You need to get yourself together and start to focus and stay focus and get to the true, no matter how hard it will be, it will be for your own sake.

Also, paying for the debt, he knows that you will put up with his nonsense.

I am afraid this could be the beginning. Get legal advice now and do not pay a penny until you do.

Okay, worst situation for example, you use all your savings and cannot gain any access to cash because he decides he can't cope with his marriage. What will you do? Get him to give you 6 months of that money back and make him pay.

Good Luck!

[NYE31]

How awful for you but thankfully you have been able to gain support fromm your parents.

I would be tempted to seek some counselling to understand how this situation came about & talk it through.

Personally I think you will have to oversea the finances going forward & I would work out a budget for your family & esp your husband.

I wouldn't rule out removed as this is a word used by spammer etc & def no credit card for your husband.

Good luck

[firsttimerSW11]

The big issue here that I'd have is that of trust. He needs to start living within his means and being honest.

As the above poster said, you need to get to the root of the problem in order to deal with it properly. Because if the same thing happens again and you have to pay everything again then nothing has been acheived and no lesson learnt - by either party.
If I were you, I'd tally up your monthly outgoings inc all bills, school fees and mortgage, divide it by two and get (at least) half of it from him. In theory he should pay a lot more given he earns at least 3 times your income but that's obviously your own call. But don't be suckered into paying 75% of it yourself. He is the one earning £150k, that's around £8k every month after tax, what is he doing with it all if your parents have paid off all of the debt. He owes you and explanation and actually has no right to be angry with you. If he had been honest with you in the first place, you'd never had a need to look threw his stuff.

Incidentally if I found that my husband had pawned my jewellery without telling me, on top of the above, I reckon I'd throw him out, but you are obviously a more forgiving person than me!

[uqbar]

Hang on. He sold your wedding ring without you knowing? How did he manage to do that?

This detail, and the combination of bad grammar and surprisingly well-chosen vocabulary "shocked, speechless, upset, disappointed"... This is a fake.

It's also, incidentally, pretty much the plot of John Lanchester's novel Capital.

[firsttimerSW11]

to be fair, Uqbar, she might not be a native English speaker...

[Confused mom]

OK all of you to give me support. Some of you who didnt beleive, that is fine too.
Yes, English is not my first languge. But let's stop there.
One quick question, shall I pay for the mortgage first, to keep the home before getting the legal advice? Thanks

[uqbar]

Yet not one word is spelt incorrectly. Suspicious.

[uqbar]

The advice is all great. The dilemma is real enough - it happens.

[Heavens to Betsy]

You need to secure a roof over your head. Take a few days off work and devote the time to getting legal advice and sorting out the mortgage in equal measure.

The large amounts of debt you are talking about, suggest to me that your husband is possibly is a secret gambler, or is keeping another woman/family somewhere else. Just saying.

My gut instinct is you need to distance yourself from him temporarily or permanently until he can sort out his dysfunction.