Best friend taking job with my ex-husband. Advice wanted. Post Reply

[wonderingmum]

Hello
I'd love some advice from you all please.

My ex-husband is a very successful and very amoral man. (a banker, quelle suprise!)

We split up, and I received a fair divorce settlement, but the whole process was so horribly stressful that when I received the final settlement/agreement, which btw took three years as he hid assets all over the place, I wanted nothing more to do with him.

We never had children together so that seemed like a reasonable goal.

My best friend, who helped me through this whole process, approached me a few months ago to ask if she'd mind if she went to go and work with him in his new business.

That's not as strange as it sounds as we all met at work and her husband is still best friends with my ex.

It is/was a great offer financially and if he repeats what he did last time she'd become quite well off.

I was quite hurt by this as I felt that my friends wouldn't want anything to do with him, especially after how he treated me, but at the same I said I didn't mind.

Now, after a couple of months, I've found it too hard to be around her, knowing that she see's my ex every day, and I've explained to her that I don't think we can be friends any more.

I thought she would understand, after all she's did go and work with my ex, but in fact she's extremely angry and feels I'm being selfish.

I'd love another viewpoint of this. I can't understand why she can't understand that the fact she spends time with my ex is a "deal-breaker" but I worry that I'm missing something.

Thank you everyone.

[evieandrose]

Wow, that's a tough one.

I can see both sides I think. Think of it from her point of view-if there is lots of money to be made, and she's seen him be successful before, and she's qualified to do the business he's in, AND her husband is best mates with him... You can sort of see why she'd be tempted. What would you do if the boot was on the other foot?

That said, I can TOTALLY see why you're upset, and don't feel you can be around her. I wouldn't be able to either, and I'd also feel hugely hurt that my best friend 'chose' my ex over me... And if it were me in this situation, being offered the job, I'd like to think I'm a good enough friend to my mates to say no...

Basically, I don't know what the 'right' answer is, but my gut tells me she's sort of sold out on you, which makes her a not very nice person...

On the other hand, if it was a career opportunity not to be missed at any cost...

It's a nice view from the fence here!

[alpal1]

You cant be expected to see someone in circumstances that make you uncomfortable, but if your friendship was good in every other way, it seems such a shame to cut her out completely. If you two were close, she is almost certainly very upset and will feel the loss of your friendship.

Does your friend truly understand how her job makes you feel? If you think she does, she may understand if you saw less of her for a while until you feel less anger towards your husband, or she switches jobs. You can still be there for each other this way when times get tough.

[calgary]

My best friend, who helped me through this whole process, approached me a few months ago to ask if she'd mind if she went to go and work with him in his new business.
.... but at the same I said I didn't mind.

I agree with the others that it's a hard one especially as feelings don't always follow logic. However, what really surprises me is that she asked you if you'd mind and you said that you wouldn't.

For me, that's what you should remember and focus on. Imagine how disruptive it would be to get someone's blessing to do something and then have they reneg on it. Also, this is a job/livlihood (and I think many realize after the recent years that you can't take opportunities for granted) we're talking about with potentially serious ramifications if she were to quit. How do you think it would it appear to her next prospective employer if she had a job for only a few months on her resume and had to explain the story of why she quit.

It may be really hard to do, but you should try to work through your feelings about the breakup and truly put them behind you. Don't let them continue to make you miserable by alienating a good friend.

All the best

[monaco]

It is a tough one and you are being very good trying to understand her point of view and finding a solution.

How about telling her that for the moment, you find it difficult to be friendly with her, not because you don't think you guys are not friends anymore, but because it reminds you of bad moments in your life ? That you need a break and that once you have sorted your own feelings and reactions, you'll be back in touch ? That as a good friend, the best thing she can do for you is understand that and give you some space ?

If she is still angry, acknowledge her feelings and indicate that this time apart might also be good for her to work out why she is angry ?

Not sure if that would work but worth a try.

Good luck

[wonderingmum]

Thank you for all your advice.

We had another heart to heart this week and I think we're getting towards a compromise.

Thank you again