School holidays - divorced parents - advice? Post Reply

[doingmybest]

Hello

Would like some advice from other divorced parents...

I've been separated and now divorced for some years.

I wanted my kids to have a dad who they had a proper relationship with, and so they see him a lot (during the week, and every other weekend). More than other dads I know. And we are both very flexible if arrangements / days etc need to change.

He's got more money than me (!) so they have flasher holidays, but generally things are much better between us all than I see elsewhere, and we're flexible, and the kids move between us, and I don't see that they are damaged, and I'm really proud of that. Though I miss them a lot when they are not with me, and often think I didn't have kids to have them half (or a bit less) of the time. But that's life, I suppose, when you separate.

We've always had a 2 week holiday rule, meaning we wouldn't take the kids away for more than 2 weeks. At my request.

During those long 2 weeks without my kids in the summer holidays, my bones hurt, I miss them so much, and I have plans to do this and that, but just wallow, and worry, and miss them, but they have a great time, and they have a great relationship with their dad (and me).

Now, he wants to take them for 3 weeks. He thinks they are 'old enough' and it's good for them to be out of London away (and knows I can't afford to take them away for a long time).

I said 2 weeks was bad enough. 3 weeks I just said 'that's too long'.

It's for me it's too long for. I'm quite sure they'd have a blast.

I said I was worried this would set a precedent. He said 'yes', you can have them for 3 weeks too, they're old enough now, we can do this every year. It's better that they are out of London. And that I was putting my needs before theirs. That it was normal, that this is the norm for all divorced parents. That I'm being selfish.

I'm wondering if it is. If it's ok for me to say 3 weeks is too long for me. Even if they'd have a great time. Or is it normal? And I'm being a stick in the mud, and is their lovely long holiday (every year) more important than me sinking and feeling horrid?

(I'm a longstanding nappyvalley user and I've re-registered for obvious reasons).

Any experience from other people welcome. I am not at all interested in ex-bashing. I just wonder if anyone else has experience of this, and how they navigate through it.

Thank you.

[rissy]

Hi there,

I can only imagine your pain as i dont have my own children.
I also feel though that 3 weeks is too long of a time, and that you are probably feeling like this will start 'daddy being the favourite' if he can take them away for such long holidays. The most important for them though is that the children have a happy and healthy relationship with their father and equally with you. If you cant afford to take them away then plan fun activities around home and in the area. Its not holidays that children are specifically going to remember, its the time and memories made with you

How old are your children? Are they at the age where they are able to make the decision themselves? I remember when i was about 9 I got to choose to have christmas at home or at my grandparents without my parents and i choose my grandparents. My mum hated it and she was really upset although didnt show it all, i only found out 10 years later! Regardless, i had a great time and loved it. I also felt very grown up being able to make a decision like that, when normally i would have never had a choice. (i was always 'shipped off' to both sets of grandparents for holidays but i never got to choose dates ect)
Anyway, if you decide to let them go away for that long of a time, i would just ensure that you get to skype/call them often. Book yourself for some nice things to treat yourself like getting your hair done, getting a massage, or even going on a weekend away just you!

[EM&M]

Hi there! I'm also amicably separated and I agree with you that 3 weeks is too long. If it were a one off for a special occasion (a family wedding or something). I think I missed how old the kids are but unless they are close to school leaving age I would def stand your ground. Maybe negotiate 2 weeks with a week back & then another week out.

Good luck!

[petey_burgess]

Hi there

I am a family lawyer based in the Battersea area. You can look at out website at www.burgessmee.com.

Technically he needs your permission to remove the children from the jurisdiction but if you were unwilling to grant it then he could ask a judge to sanction their removal.

The key is going to be how old the children are. If they are older than 10 or 11 their wishes and feelings are going to have a big bearing on the outcome. The guiding principle will be their welfare and what is in their best interests.

I see someone has already suggested a block of two weeks and a week later in the summer and that is often a good compromise position.

If you would like to discuss further I am happy to do so. My number is 020 7801 6207.

Good luck!

Peter Burgess

[CHT]

How old are the children? Three weeks in itself is not the end of the world (I know families whose children go half way round the world to visit family in summer and it's not worth going for much less than three weeks, for example), but it's definitely different if they are pre-school or teenagers.

[Kittens77]

As a child of divorced parents...who both did a wonderful job of raising my sister and I... I feel that 3 weeks is too long. We split our time exactly between both parents, and the longest we were away from our mum (or dad) at once was 10 days and that was agony for me. Your description of your bones aching breaks my heart, that's how I use to feel being away from my mum, I was never able to vocalise this to anyone, even to this day, really... But I guess what I am saying is, regardless of their age, 3 weeks is too long. Explain to your ex how it makes you feel, just like you did here in this post and any decent human would change their plans. You are their mummy and they need you. Two weeks is plenty long enough. I know people will suggest asking the children what they want, but I think even if they say they want to go for 3 weeks it will be too much for them. Xx

[CHT]

Genuine question kittens - what happened when you left home? Because most grown ups are away from their parents for three week stretches, and part of our job as parents surely is to prepare them for adult life - including not being with us all the time (hard as that may be)?

[Kittens77]

What do you mean what happened when I left home?! Obviously adults are away from their parents more than 3 weeks at a time. This post is about children. The poster does not want to be apart from her children for that long and I am saying I agree. I found it very difficult as a child.

[Montypumpkin]

What a strange question to ask CHT, leaving home as an adult is totally different!

My 3 year-old son recently went to stay at his Grandma's for four days in a row for two weeks (4 days with her, 3 with us) whilst we had work done to the house. My hubs and I stayed for various reasons but basically were both really feeling it. The house felt so empty and odd and I welled up when I saw him again. I think you are both great for agreeing to 2 weeks but the best part of a month is a whole new ball game. He is underestimating how much the kids will miss you too despite how much flashy fun he can offer.

Obviously your kids are older than mine but I'd definitely stand my ground and the offer of an extra week a bit later is totally fair. Hope it doesn't escalate in to a full blown argument though which I can tell you want to avoid. It does matter how you feel though.

Good luck xx

[CHT]

Sorry if I've missed how old the children in question are - I think there's a world of difference between a 4 year old and a 14 year old. If they are heading towards the sort of age when they will leave home (as 14 year olds, say, typically are), then three weeks away is surely a healthy step towards adulthood...?

[Scottov]

Nobody knows the ins and outs of a given situation, and we should not pretend otherwise.

but from the outside looking in, the language used seems to imply that you feel he does not give you sufficient credit for all the access you "let" him have?

perhaps the answer isn't what you want, or what he wants, but what they want?

[doingmybest]

Hello all and thank you for your helpful thoughts.

My youngest has just turned 10.

I wasn't after any credit, just some help / advice / experience from others about how to approach holidays....

[Montypumpkin]

Oh stop it, the OP intimated no such thing about wanting him to be grateful for all the access and specifically said no ex-bashing. Kids don't leave home at 14 either, honestly!

[NYE31]

Well said @Montypumpkin!

Sorry to hear of your situation, 3 weeks is a long time, what about the 2 weeks as usual with perhaps an extra week or a couple of long weekends?

Good luck & I hope that you manage to agree something that you are happy with.

[KiwiAmanda]

Growing up I had divorced parents who at one stage lived in different countries, so holidays to see my father were always several weeks long, including a number when I was younger than 10. Regardless of how I felt about either parent there was no way I was going to miss out on a foreign holiday!

My advice would be to ask your children (separately) what they want. Based on my experiences your children are now old enough to make an informed decision, which you'll need to respect without projecting any disappointment.

It sounds to me like there is some underlying anxiety you need to tackle, especially as this situation is likely to get raised again, as the last thing you want is to start breeding any resentment in your children.

As to him having more money than you, trust me when I say that nothing gives as much than a mother's love, and it sounds like you have lots to give