Grumpy Rude Teenager ... Advice please! Post Reply

[Denwand]

Ok we have all been there

I have three teenagers - the youngest being 14...

Teenager one and two - slight attack of the Kevins but not bad - all forgotten now!

Teenager number 3 -a 14 year old girl - excellent and school anw ith a host of lovely friends has , over the last year, become ruder and more argumentative. She was always lazy and lacked the diplomacy of her elders but now we get the full "Kevin" treatment - "it's so unfair" , "stop being rude to me" " I don't like you"... and so on ,

We have had a number of "mature" chats and things get better - then we get a breathtaking display of rudeness.

However a bargaining chip is coming up in the shape of her 15th birthday party that she desperatley wants to invite 10 of her friends to...at our house.

Now , despite recent behaviour do we agree with the proviso that this is a huge favour and we need her to be mature and polite for the next few weeks added to a threat that the slightest transgression will mean a termination of the party AND that she agree to an ongoing "Terms of Behaviour" that she will stick to until her Kevin phase is behind her???

Advice please!

[StormontRoad]

Won't pretend to be an expert, but having survived two teenagers - one now 22, the other 18 - and unleashed them on the world without hospitalisation or incarceration, I can only offer a few thoughts.

I think the "all or nothing" approach is dangerous. 14/15 is a terribly difficult time for girls - hormones, friendships, boys - and I don't think they can help themselves. If you promise her a party and then cancel, you will build even more resentment and she will see no point in ever behaving well. A more positive approach might be to think about how she could earn the right to the party. Are there certain things or behaviours you would like to encourage - simple chores like emptying the dishwasher, or maybe being in touch with her grandparents - or walking the dog, should you have one? If you feel you could have a conversation with her on this basis, and agree a list of, say, ten things that you would like her to achieve before the party, I think you would see a much better result and would build mutual respect.

And even if you do have some meltdowns along the way, all the better to ignore them and return to the list...

Hope this helps and good luck!

[Stellarosas]

Good luck.
It just the way they are wired and to some extent they have no idea how hurtful they are being. they are stuck with wanting control and wanting to be children. It's a cross between firm and giving control ( ownership) maybe she could be put I charge of budgeting her own party and come back to you with the costing and planning.....it's just an idea ...give it some thought.
I am a mum but no expert....
Best wishes and I hope her party is a success

[Denwand]

Thanks for that!

very useful and sensible ideas.

I can see how the threat to cancel it if there is a sign of backsliding as being a dangerous option!

... and you are right - a difficult age which needs the thickest of velvet gloves.

I like the budgeting plan and the "10 point" list too!