Using p*rn, advice please Post Reply

[Husband]

Hi
I'd like some advice, I am a local Dad and husband.

We've two very young children and my wife and I don't have much time for the physical side of our relationship. That suits her more than it suits me and I accept that at such a busy and difficult time we have to prioritise some things over others.

I've been coping with this with a pretty infrequent p*rn habit, nothing major but I was discussing this with some of my male friends and one of them went absolutely mental and equated it to cheating.

I was pretty shocked and upset by this, I thought I was being helpful and understanding by giving her space but it's now worrying me. Actually as I write that it sounds a bit odd but I hope you understand what I mean.

I hadn't mentioned any of this to my wife, not because as I was ashamed of it but because I didn't really see it as a big deal but now I'm getting quite stressed about it.

I'd like some feedback from other mums if possible. I wasn't intending on saying anything but now I worry that I'm hiding something if I don't and a situation which was meant to be a harmless and making our lives smoother is actually equated in some people's eyes to me having an affair.

Thanks everyone

[AbbevilleMummy]

Don't all guys watch Internet p*rn??

I have no idea if my hubby actually does, but I just assume he does occasionally. I'm sure if I asked him he would say "no darling, you're enough for me", but I wouldn't believe him! Men are very visually stimulated and it's just natural isn't it? I'm also the only female in my office and all the guys that I work with 'indulge' (I know only because they discuss it so openly!).

I wouldn't stress out too much, but that said, as you have seen, people have very different attitudes to p*rn and if you are unsure of your wife's then maybe don't bring it up with her? We don't have to share everything!

[Pentneyprincess]

My other half watches it, as do most men. It is not cheating, you are not engaging in any contact or even contacting them online. Some women do struggle with their partners watching it, as long as you remember that is ****** and not realistic, I don't know why you should be bothered. I'm surprised your male friends equated it to cheating. You also appear not to be addicted (which can be a problem!) so in my opinion you are doing no wrong.

Maybe just try and gently be a little more physical with your wife. I know I've had some health problems that have put my otherhalf off of sex because he is worried I'll get hurt, doesn't stop other things happening! I know with kids it can be tiring!

[BrianP]

I think the short answer is, do what suits you both, enjoy it, and if you must discuss the intimate side of your life dahn the pub, be prepared for your 'mates' to try and wind you up by knocking your self-confidence. Having been duly wound up, to then seek reassurance from the internet might possibly seem a little unwise. I am not a mum (but I do have a family) and I have been told I could definitely improve my emotional intelligence rating, but if I were your wife I would prefer a conversation with you before reading posts like these. I do hope you sort things out. Keep calm and carry on!

[supergirl]

It is very hard when children are young, both spouses are constantly knackered and it takes a toll on the relationship between the parents. We went through it and although it is not perfect all the time we are defitinitively back to being very close both physically and emotionally.

In my experience the difference between a couple who will come out of it stronger and one that will break is communication and connection. So my advice to you is to talk to your wife, kindly, connect to each other and accept each other. It is f.....g hard (excuse my language) especially after a long day/week but essential.

I was so happy when my husband open up to me a few years back. It helped.


Good luck.

[littlebabysmummy]

Hi
Unfortunately I'm one of the more narrow minded ones who thinks ****** is vile and pervy. A few years ago I "caught" my husband and it was v v upsetting. I had my baby in my arms, opened his laptop and there it was, he had forgotten to close the window the night before. I went absolutely mental and told him I had no respect for a man who watches ******.
Anyway my point is women have varied opinions on this subject. I really think you should speak to your wife about it in case her opinion is more like mine..
Good luck

[singingmum]

You're not being unfaithful but I think it's important that you speak openly and honestly to your wife about how you feel and your use of ****** so that you're keeping communication and intimacy, at least emotionally. I'm sure the physical will soon follow. Being "caught out" will only cause further problems and lead to a lack of trust.

[CBW7779]

I noticed that you asked for mum views although I'd be very interested to hear from men as to how common looking at ****** really is. As a wife and mum to 3 v little ones I totally agree that the physical side of marriage suffers due mostly to fatigue and how physical birth and childcare is for the mother - but I wanted to add that as the mum when your life can be a bit like Groundhog Day it is sometimes the case that time flies between "intimate evenings" without realising it properly, and if you can gently give your wife signals about being keen (!) it might help remind her that it has been a while and how fun it would be. I read Tracy Cox saying recently that women sometimes have a slow burn/don't feel like it until we get going, so I think while women aren't to blame for not feeling like it when we are so tired and beaten down by the constant care toddlers need, we should possibly do it when we don't necessarily feel like it as we might be pleasantly surprised!! Also I'd be very very upset to find out if my husband was watching ******, he showed me something once he had been sent by a friend and I felt physically sick, and it wasn't v extreme at all. I think a lot of women feel it is a betrayal, esp if they are feeling unlike their former/younger selves after childbirth...