Husbands affair Post Reply

[Notinagoodplace]

I have recently found out that my husband has been having an affair and with only a couple of weeks left before baby arrives - I want to try and get in a good head space and find some happiness quickly.

Does anyone have any recommendations of books to read to help ?
Many thanks

[cuqui03]

Sorry I can't be of much help and really don't want to press on details. To be honest I would probably just focus on yourself and the baby and "deal with it" until you can really face it. Maybe have your mother come around to help as to avoid confrontation in these last few days of pregnancy?

[Notinagoodplace]

I wish I could forget about it - but it just goes round and round my head! As I seriously was not expecting it and had not seen it coming ... ever!

I guess I'm willing to try anything to enjoy these last few weeks - I can't afford a councellor but feel I need some coping strategies when I start going down the spiral of thinking about the lies and physical side to it

[hjm]

Oh no, you poor thing. I don't have any advice but I know that The Awareness Centre on Abbeville Rd offer reduced price (about £15 I think) counselling sessions if you are on a low income. Maybe worth a try. Good luck x

[IrenaP]

Sounds horrible. Are you staying together or do you think you'll split up? I don't think I could forgive my husband, especially if you are pregnant. Even more frustrating/ stressful/ infuriating/ upsetting.... I would take some time out and think about how you want to go forward.

[poppet27]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Forgive me for making an assumption, but do you think maybe you do want to talk about it, given that you posted something on here with the detail? I know it can be easy to look for a distraction, yet you may find it's covering it up and will be harder later down the line.

HJM's idea is great. £15 isn't bad, and counselling really does work if you're open to it. Why not talk to your husband (assuming he's aware that you know), but make sure you get early nights, continue doing deep breaths and you have a support network - maybe some close female friends and family - you can count on.

xx

[Notinagoodplace]

I can concur men are stupid!

I believe it was serious enough whilst happening as it was over quite a few months and as he saw this person a few days a week it was regular. I don't want to write too much as its still very raw - this isn't our first child and I guess that's what upsets me is that he's risked it all for fun times and the grass isn't always greener.
He knows I know as I could never not have told him - I was furious at my findings! As I also really disliked this woman from the moment I met her. We are going to try and work it out but I question everything I do / he does, which is exhausting.

I do want to talk but not sure who too - I can't do awareness centre as I personally know one of them. But may do a little more research. I guess I was looking for a quick fix for me to find some happiness and balance to mylife again. If anyone knew an good book to read about getting through tough times / or an app to listen too!
Thansk for taking the time to reply.

[topolina]

Hi!
I'm really sorry to hear that!
I'm not a conselleur but I'm currently studying Psychology and Education, so if you're looking for someone to talk to, I'm happy to do it for free.
Just send me a MP and we can meet up I live in Balham so can travel anywhere.
Good luck with the baby!
Elisa
moscarves@gmail.com

[Beketaten]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think a book will help you as much as the opportunity to talk out your feelings.

The Wandsworth Association of Psychotherapists do low-cost counselling and I have benefitted from seeing one of their therapists in the past, worth a try:

http://www.wandsworthap.co.uk/

There's also Relate. You can go alone or with your partner if/when you feel ready.

[Wishingforsummer]

I'd recommend you read Not 'Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. I found it very useful when I was in a very similar position to you a few years ago.

I really feel for you. x

[HW_Lucy]

So sorry to hear your story...5 years ago when heavily pregnant, I went through something similar. The one thing I would add is that you are not yourself at 38 weeks pregnant! - Even the strongest woman can go to pieces when trauma hits at this point...All our hormones are focussed on creating a nice, safe nest for the new arrival, so this sort of thing (whilst horrendous at the best of times) is even harder to deal with. So please - don't make any decisions about the future now....Wait until you feel back to your old self. My initial instincts and my ultimate decision a few months post birth were quite different. I don't know your circumstances; I was lucky enough to be able to take refuge at my parents' for a few weeks while I got my head straight (was actually living there when my son arrived). That really helped me process things and regain a sense of perspective. For the next few weeks your needs MUST come first - as that's what's most important for the baby.

[Ali]

Dr Sue Johnson is one of the most ground breaking couple therapist in the world. ( Canadian) She has many free videos , interviews, and few books out ( e.g. "Hold me tight" ) . Hope it all works out. If you can, post back in 2-3 months to let other people know how you managed to get though and what lessons you learnt so another person in similar emotional turmoil might benefit from your experience .

[cloudthirtysix]

Hey Notinagoodplace,

Sorry to hear about your story, that completely sucks.
You say you'd like books/ apps to help feel happier right now, and I hope the suggestions already posted will help provide that.

If you'd like some quick steps to gain clarity on your situation, and to tidy up the storm of thoughts in your head, I've got these questions for you:

1. what do you want to happen next? do you want to stay with him? leave him? ultimately, do you want to find a way to forgive him? What would make you stay with him?
2. if you want to stay with him and work on forgiving him, what does he need to do to fix this? it could be therapy, it could be talking it out with him, kicking him out for a bit, getting him to hear your anger and your feelings about it, ... whichever feels right for you.
3. still, if you do want to want to forgive him, what do you want your new relationship to be like? when, hopefully, you have identified his reasons for cheating, and if you still want to forgive him, ask yourself how you will both address said reasons/challenges if and when they arise again. Set the new boundaries for your new relationship.
4. Finally, ask yourself and him what you have both learned from it all. Maybe tough right now as it is so raw, but if you want to go forward, doing so will enable you to OWN what happened.

The relationship you had has been dissolved by his betrayal - you need to create a new one. And it doesn't have to be a heavy process. I genuinely think it is something that can be started before your baby arrives. Going through this can take a couple of tough conversations with him, but I am sure that if he shows remorse and you are both keen to make it work then this will lay the path for more clarity mentally and hopefully a happier place for your new baby and the child you already have together. You'll feel more in control than you probably do right now.

Obviously if you don't want to forgive him or cannot, then it's a different story altogether. I hope this helps! Shout if you want to discuss that anymore. Good luck!

[Notinagoodplace]

I do - I really want to try and make it work for us and for the kids. But we have had a few more hiccups since I found out and makes me question everything again. I have discovered he is clinically depressed which didn't help the situation but I still believe you have to be accountable for your choices.

I can't bring myself to tell my parents as they would never forgive and would make the whole situation worse - which is not what I need. I genuinely never thought he would do it (maybe what all wife's say !) but I thought we were good together and never thought he would sink that low and risk losing everything for some fun. I also feel so stupid as I confronted him a few months ago and believed everything he told me. Thanks for all the replies and comments they really do help. And promise I will post back when I have settled down and hopefully we will grow stronger from this.

[cloudthirtysix]

Hey Notinagoodplace,

It's such a horrendous situation you're in, and I completely understand about not wanting to tell your parents- if you do work it out and chose to forgive him, they might not forget and forgive!
Don't beat yourself up for believing him back then - that's a great reflection of your commitment to this relationship and of your strength then to chose to believe and trust him. It says a lot about him, and it's a real shame.
I agree with you, he might be depressed, but people are responsible for their choices. Don't put yourself in the "saviour" position too much, as you need to take care of yourself too.

I'm here to chat if you want to, let me know. Good luck working through this one, and take good care xx