****** Addiction Post Reply

[needsomeadvice]

Hi I have recently split up with my husband and father of my two children essentially because he is addicted to watching ******. It has been a problem for many years and I tried to talk to him about it again and again but he just became embarrassed and wouldn’t discuss it. By the end he would go to bed on his own at about 8:30/9pm claiming he was tired and would spend hours on the internet and let’s just say would leave ‘evidence’ as to what he was doing (even though he was hiding it) or if I tried to go to bed at similar time he would suddenly make an excuse to stay up. I even caught him watching it in our home office once when my parents were staying in the room next door. I put up with it for years but in the end just felt worthless and unattractive. I haven’t put weight on or anything like that, I look after myself and take pride in my appearance so I genuinely don’t think that is a. issue. I genuinely think he has a real problem but in the end I gave up trying to get him to address it as he just denied it was an issue.

Anyway, as I am the one who ended the marriage I have lost everything, most of our friends, his family won’t speak to me etc. They all think I am horrible for ending things. Up until now I have protected him and just told everyone we had grown apart but I’m starting to think I should just tell everyone the truth, if nothing else to get him to face up to the problem. Plus he has now decided to stop paying towards the mortgage, child maintenance etc until we agree the terms of the divorce seen as I ended things. I am seeking legal advice with regards to the terms of the divorce but I haven’t told my solicitor about the ******.

What would you do? Anyone been through something similar?

[Annabel (admin)]

I am so sorry to hear about all you've gone through - I hope we can help.

I wanted to explain why the word p*rn was asterisked out - that's not down to any prudishness on our part - Google give's a hard time if certain words appear on the site and so if have an automatic filter.

I just didn't want you getting the wrong idea.

We'll mention this in our weekly email and, as I say, I hope we can help.

Thanks for using NVN.

A

[SW12Pops]

Hope these previous threads can help:

https://www.nappyvalleynet.com/communit ... 93&t=69996

and

https://www.nappyvalleynet.com/communit ... 15&t=48161

I think there are two elements to it.

The majority (not all but the majority) of men will watch ******, that is something that the threads here seem to agree with. However that's very different from addiction and from it leading to a breakdown in the family.

I suspect, and I am not qualified at all, but I have seen similar things with friends, that he is very depressed and this was an outlet. But you have to look after yourself and your family and if he was unable or unwilling to seek help then you obviously can't let it take over the rest of your life.

I also think you need someone to talk to about this - can you have some therapy? It may be a good idea with everything going on anyway.

I'm not sure I would tell my solicitor as I'm not sure if it would be useful but others may disagree.

Good luck!

[sparkletiger]

I'm so sorry your marriage has broken up and you are being blamed - by family and also by your husband, since he has stopped paying towards the house etc.

I think you have to tell you solicitor as this is the main reason of you splitting, not just the watching it, but the fact that he would not discuss it or see how it was negatively impacting on you. I have no problem with anyone watching xxxx but it sounds like it was over the top and seriously affecting your marriage.

You have not said how your husband is responding to the break up, other than withdrawing financial support, which is not a good sign. In your position I would not want to embarrass him by sharing why you have split, but I would be telling him in the strongest terms that he cannot withdraw financial support - assuming you have children?

Hopefully you have or can find a good counsellor to support you with this. Im assuming you've suggested couples counselling with him or him seeking help without success?

Holding space for you.

[AbbevilleMummy]

I would absolutely tell your solicitor as they need to know the cause of the breakdown of the marriage but I wouldn’t tell family/friends for everyone’s sake.

It will certainly not improve relations with your family, friends or ex and will probably only result in your ex being more difficult on the money front and you being more ostracised from everyone for putting them in a difficult situation.

[NoodleFan]

Your poor woman. I am so angry on your behalf.
My first instinct was to say tell him to pay up or you’ll tell everyone about his habit, but if he’s capable of withdrawing child support then god knows what else he might do.
I would tell your solicitor. I can’t believe you’re the first person in this situation and they may have some good advice. I think you need to be careful as he sounds highly unpredictable.
Best of luck x

[workmum]

Hi

I hear your pain. As I think you are aware your husband is a sex addict. There are recovery groups for him - such as sex addicts anonymous which is a 12 step programme based on alcoholics anonymous. However, he needs to recognise his addiction and want to heal himself. As he is an addict you are powerless over him and the choices he makes. His sex addiction is in no way a reflection on you as a women and you should take comfort in knowing that his addiction is not because of who you are.

There are recovery groups for people who have been affected by sex addiction. There you will find people who have experience of sex addicts (normally as a partner) and who are working through that whether they are or are not in a current relationship with a sex addict. I would recommend that you attend a group such as COSA - Co-Dependent of a Sex Addict - as you will find support there and people with whom you can openly share your experience. There are groups that meet regularly in Richmond etc.

I hope that this helps

[workmum]

I should add that if you do a search on google you will find a website for COSA which has details of the UK meetings on it. http://cosa-recovery.org/

[juliantenniscoach]

You have to tell your solicitor everything, you really do. They can't act in your best interest without all the information especially as you say this is the primary reason for the separation.

Probably more suitable for a separate thread but p**n is everywhere via every social media platform. Every day this week I've had friend requests on Facebook from, shall we shall, women of a questionable employment status. Which is weird because I have certain privacy settings and don't subscribe to pages outside of sports and travel (honest!).

Wish you and your family the very best to resolve this as best as you can.

[DavidT]

I should tell the solicitor as it's quite fundamental and could come under unreasonable behaviour - see Grounds for Divorce on this govt website: https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

Couples counselling would have been good if you could get him to agree to try. Might be a bit late at this point I don't know. He does sound in denial that there is any problem with his p**n use, avoidant to acknowledging it and its effect on you; probably quite ashamed.

Talking through this with a counsellor/therapist for either or both of you would probably be helpful at some point.

[headshrinker]

Sounds as though the weight of keeping his secrets is taking its toll on you. Talk to whomever you need to about this, Solicitors, Counsellors, close friends etc. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment around this stuff but that belongs to him, not you. Being more vocal about this may also push him to address it as it sounds like he is in denial about at the moment and is viewing himself as a victim here.

Some nice suggestions on here re support, therapy etc. Make sure you address the emotional damage here alongside the practicalities (maintenance). sounds like you have been quietly suffering for some time. Would be lovely if you could start to heal now.

Oh and on an entirely unrelated note is anyone else having their letters randomly swapped when they type on this site? I type i then f but get if. Noticed it on other posts too!

[Oldermum]

Feel sad for you. I know how you feel. But remember. This is not about you. It’s a problem he has. I suggest counselling could help you.
I was devastated when I first found out. He then went on to other sites not just ****** and started meeting people asian girls half his age. I had one of them call me once. I tried to end it but he promised it would stop. We both went to counselling. His suggestion. Two years later it started again. My daughter even caught him once. That was it. I couldn’t do it anymore. It took me a long time to tell people. Even my own family. Like you. I had such low self esteem I ended up going to counselling. But a few years on i now know it’s a problem he has and understand he still does it. I did eventually speak to his sister about it. As she kept in touch with me. We are now divorced. You need to be honest with your solicitor and divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Don’t worry what other people think. Don’t let that drag you down. But when the dust settles then you’ll be able to talk about it and maybe talk to those who turned against you.