A baby at 40 Post Reply

[Tobe3ornottobe3]

I'd love to hear from mums 40/40+ who have had a 3rd baby or those who decided against it. Obviously I'm not looking for you to make the decision for me but it would be great to hear from others who have been in my situation.
I'm a mum of 2 school aged children and have wanted a 3rd baby since my youngest was about 2, so a few years. My husbands main concern is financial and paying for 3 lots of education. Both of my children would be thrilled to have a new brother or sister but I'm worried about a few things... My health, baby's health, how exhausted I'll be.... I always wanted 3 children but am I being greedy?

I'd really like to hear your views but please be nice xx

[chestnut]

I'm curious: what would your two existing children think about having another sibling?

Also, people I know who have had a third child have found they've ended up needing to move house, despite initially not thinking they would need to do so.

[MumOnTheSrun]

Hello
I am not 40 yet (a couple more years) but I was in the same boat as you I have 3 children 18, 13.5 and 6 years old. I had my first set in my 20s as I was that woman I don't want any when I'm 30 but I had my son at 31 and now I'm pregnant with my 4th at 37.

I too was so worried about the health of my pregnancy when you read these pregnacy books or web pages, every thing bad happens after 35 but my doctor assured me this is not the case, you have to have other trigger or risk factors in a lot of cases.


Children are rewarding and if you can do it then why not! Children don't need much in the first 4 years of their little lives so that's the time to put down that child school fee nest (this is what we are doing).
I know my children are a lot more spaced out than the norm but this has helped us to budget and things like that.

Good luck on your decision.

[szerma]

Well, I had my first at 40 and my second at 43, and I would really hope I am not ancient
I had trouble-free pregnancies and deliveries that weren’t any different given my age.

I am older than most of the mums I know, but I don’t look it, and as I therefore hang out with people younger than me, I feel younger as a result.

If you want one, just go for it... you will feel tired, but then you will probably enjoy this one so much more because it will be the last one, and you have the experience and the maturity to deal with the ups and downs of the early months.

[Babber]

It sounds like your concern is more about health and not financial, so I will address that. I had my second baby at 40 and it was absolutely fine. I had my first at 37. I was a bit self-conscious going to the ante-natal appointments with my first at 37 and told the midwife "Oh I know I am not a spring chicken!" She said, "well compared to some of the other mums who come in here, you are!" My friend had her second at 43. So I think 40 and early 40s is fine to have another one.

Honestly though, if you are above 43 or 44, I would really have a hard think about it. The health risks do increase: gestational diabetes, down syndrome, pre-eclampsia etc., and I think they really are more common the farther you get into your 40s.

I know you didn't ask this, but also think about the age gap with your children: my sister and I are 14 and 12 years older than our brother and although we love him very much, he grew up almost like an only child since we left the house when he was 6.

Anyway, those are my two cents. Either way, you have to do what works for you. You know the answer in your heart, so go with it x

[pie81]

I have two who are approaching school age and we would all find it very hard to go back to the baby days and being ruled by nap times and feeding times. If you have an easy baby who slots in and sleeps well and flexibly then this might not apply but there is no guarantee of that. Depends what your family life looks like at the moment really as to how much things would change - if you're into lots of family day trips out and holidays abroad then those things may become more tricky, if you tend to stay at home a lot then not such an impact.

[cats1]

Hi. I had my third child at 45, she was not planned, I will call it a happy accident! it was a real shock to me, I have a 26 and a 22 year old, one of my elder children is Austitic, so I knew that it was not going to be easy, but what is? it is truly amazing but hard work as I am a single parent, however, I am so glad I had her, it feels like someone threw a love grenade into my life. Don't be put off by worrying about disabilities etc, as anything can happen at any age, to compare is to despair, do your own thing. You will never regret having another, but may regret not having another one! good luck to you and whatever you decide. x

[MGMidget]

I have a seven year gap between my two and had my second in my late forties. I am, perhaps, fortunate, in that I had smooth pregnancies with both my children and relatively easy births. The challenges I encountered have been:
a) doctors wanting to over-medicalize the birth because of my age (I ended up with a natural birth however, both only because I dug my heels in and was supported by the head mid-wife). Health problems are, of course, hard to predict, but it is not necessarily the case that you or your child will have health problems because you are an older mum.
b) having a considerably older child with an established routine which includes homework, early morning school runs and longish days (my eldest is in private school like yours)
c) the pressure to keep up with all the activities my elder child does which meant after school clubs/evening activities/collecting late from a friend's house after a playdate/having friends over for a playdate late at our house. These are all difficult with a fractious small baby/toddler towards the end of the day when they are tired.
d) the difficulty of following a routine for a baby/toddler. Linked with the above. I pretty much gave up on this but it causes a lot of tension in our house as my husband is unhappy at the lack of routine for the youngest.
e) the feeling that my older child gets less attention than my youngest because the youngest needs it and demands it. I worry whether this builds long term resentment and also that they miss out on the parental help/support that many of their classmates/friends get in developing their sports skills and academic abilities. My eldest has to do their homework and music practice without me in the room, for example, because I am having to keep our toddler occupied elsewhere. They rarely have the chance for ball games or jogging with a parent on the common because we have a toddler who is too young to join in.

Overall, I have been pleased I made the decision to have a second child and I think eldest adores their younger sibling. However, I think all children love the idea of a baby brother or sister but there will be a big burden on you to keep their lifestyle going whilst dealing with the needs of the baby. I find that me and my husband spend a lot of time doing things separately with each child or we have to chose carefully what outings we do to ensure there are things of interest for both of them. Also, take into consideration the finances. You mention your husband is concerned about this because of school fees, so I would definitely think about how you would deal with this and whether you have a plan B if you can't afford the additional school fees.

[Suresha]

Go for it! I always wanted 3 children and having two just felt incomplete. My husband had decided on two for financial reasons but obviously went along with everything after I fell pregnant. Our 3rd son is now 15, and is enjoying our full attention since the older boys are now at university. He is a joy, acts as a buffer between his competitive brothers and is the closest to my husband.
You’ll find the money by making compromises.
But stop at 3 because at least you can still drive a cool car and not be stuck with an embarrassing MPV- there are some things that you just can’t compromise.,.

[NYE31]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-43836072

Rachel Weisz expecting a baby at 48!

[parsleysong]

I say go for it too. Now well into my 40's I look back and wish I'd had a third, but I had 2 children in close succession in my late 30's so it was a bit of different situation to you. Anyway, I do regret not having the third and sometimes wonder what he/she would be like. You say you've thought about it for ages. No point me talking about the financial side, because you sound like you know enough about that already. Let us know what you decide

[daisydaisy]

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/0 ... ve-little/

[K1999]

As a birth doul, I've had lots of clients who have had babies (sometimes 1st babies) at late 30's/early 40's. You know what you are getting into already, and I think it sounds like a lovely idea.

[Mumof3Balham]

This is always going to end up being a personal decision. I, like you, always wanted a third baby but my husband was less keen as we already had 2 healthy ones. I also worked full time adding further stress. We did in the end go for it and I had a beautiful baby boy when I was 43.

Shall I address things in some kind of order:

1) In terms of the other kids I don't think there is an issue - mine were 6 and 4 and actually I think if they had been a bit older it would have been easier. My little one is now 6 - what I would say is that you do have to be prepared to split up to cover their needs as he wants to do different things to the older 2. I found the first couple of years the easiest where my baby just fitted in with what we were doing - it was more since he was 2+ and wanted to do more of his own things that it has been more challenging.

2) Health - as I had had 2 normal pregnancies and births I didn't notice much difference - in fact I was surprised how little the midwives worried. I did however go for an Amnio to rule out major issues as I worried these would impact my other 2 children 2 much - I was worried about that too but when I did research I found out if you go to someone expert (I went to Harley St) then the risk is very low indeed if you choose a real expert. I went to The Fetal Medicine centre to the famous Dr there who pioneered all these tests - forgotten his name but it's greek sounding. And as for delivery - all normal - and I found as it was my third and I sort of new what I was doing the mid wives were really happy to listen to what I wanted.

3) Money - if you plan to educate privately only you know if you can afford the additional £200K or so for this. But if your husband is worried about this then that's a real concern. However don't think you have to do the same for them all - we haven't.

4) Your partner - in the end the 2 of you have to agree on this. My husband was reluctant - and then came round - but probably to keep me happy. He was fine the first year - but then when it got more challenging he constantly reminded me it was me who really wanted it. We've got over all that now but it was a tough time and nearly cost us our marriage - but now we wouldn't have it any other way - both me and my husband think our 3rd keeps us young - especially as our older 2 now don't really want or need us in the same way.

5) Going back to having a baby around - I loved it - but I love babies - actually with the other 2 at school I could really enjoy my third baby and my maternity leave - but everyone is different on this - my babies have always been happy and I'm relaxed about things like routine - they have one - but if it goes out slightly it doesn't matter - if you are very routine minded you may find a baby gets really in the way with pick ups and drop offs etc for the older ones - e/g you have to be willing to lift them from their afternoon sleep to go to pick up etc - I found my son just got used to it all and wouldn't even wake when I moved him from cot to pram to car etc etc. But we do walk most places and I had a pram with a carry cot top so he could stay sleeping most of the time when he needed it.

Hope this helps - and at the end of the day follow your heart.......

[Happy Valley]

Regarding the finances/ 'you don't have to put them all in private education' point - you may want to read the other thread on here (entitled 'Only afford to send one to private school') about that before you make a decision.

If you want to educate 3 children privately then finances have to be a consideration, surely.

Finances aside, there's nothing wrong with having babies in your 40s - I and lots of my friends have!