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Re: Social life after divorce?

by rebecca.nicholls » Mon Dec 18, 2017 6:29 pm

Firstly I have never been married. But I do have a child and expecting my second child in august with no current partner. As daunting as this is for me at 37, and to be doing again the second time around I have learnt over the past three years to really know myself. Like besides from being a Mother which I love and very excited about my new bundle of joy. I look for things that really light me up and excite me.
My business is my other baby , so maybe look at something that you can do that brings you joy and money?

The past three years I took to writing, an old passion that I rekindled and I share my stories via my blog. I build a social media platform by sharing my story and help other women to find themselves in this world where we can get caught up in titles.

Its easy to lose yourself in a marriage and I don't know why your marriage ended but if it wasn't working I truly believe we are happier on our own and not staying in relationships that don't serve us.

Think about who you are and this might mean you going back into a space or time before you were married and what made you happy. I totally agree with the 73 year old woman about volunteering. I really help to contribute to this world as much as I can and nothing brings me more joy then connecting women back to themselves and helping them find that spark in life. You are brave to share your story and it can be lonely but I find pleasure and comfort in creation. So possibly finding a new hobby, joining a gym will help you become more social. I have been at home with my son for 7 months whilst we found a new school for my son. We have a new school for him now so in January I am excited about meeting new local single families. You are not alone. if you ever want to meet for coffee. I am happy to share my world with you and help you on your life journey

All the Love

Rebecca

Re: Social life after divorce?

by claire53 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:04 pm

Hi
I missed the earlier thread about meeting up a week ago in Clapham Old Town. I am divorced and around during the day to meet for coffee. Perhaps there are a few of us who could meet in January in Clapham Old Town?

Re: Social life after divorce?

by Marmot-in-london » Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:03 pm

Are you tallish slim and interested in horses/polo/skiing/diving and some arts/classical music I know a guy who is single and looking feel free to private msg me.

Re: Social life after divorce?

by shaneleone » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:48 pm

I'm also a single parent, of three, and would love to meet up with other single parents. My kids are 2, 4 and 7, and I'm in Tooting Bec.

Re: Social life after divorce?

by BMC » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:25 am

Meeting up with other single parents is a marvellous idea ! This is exactly what I did over 15 years ago and it made all the difference. My friend and I got so carried away by the idea we wrote a book , we even had a television series watched by people in Portugal at 3 in the morning !!! Long time ago . I have under my desk 20 copies of our single parent book , Kate and Emily’s guide to single parenting which get in my way any one can have one just shout !

Re: Social life after divorce?

by Ramaboo » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:00 pm

So i'm (about to be) in the same boat - single parent, 40.

I haven't yet found myself excluded - but maybe that's because I'm not quite yet in the school circuit..... it also helps that of the relatively small circle of friends I have these days, some have known me for 15 years+, before I was married and therefore are interested in looking after me in this shitty time.

I do find already though that I don't necessarily want to intrude on my friends' happy family weekend time, so find either weekends with my kid or without, are lonely and loooong. I likewise make multiple weekend plans to keep busy - but it often feels like a lot of effort to travel to friends with the kid in tow.

Sooo.... like the pp, I'd be happy to meet up for a coffee if anyone's keen. I know you are asking for advice, not begging for friends - But I've felt like this before for different reasons (pre marriage and pre kids) and just a couple of decent friends can make a real difference. Please pm me if keen. Am mostly around over the holidays ;)

Re: Social life after divorce?

by jomi273 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:16 pm

Ok so on that note of doing something... let's do it! Coffee, whoever wants to come.... daytime or evening? Perhaps upstairs at No32 OldTown near Clapham Common tube? Saturday morning 10.30am? I too am a single parent, and have been for years ( I really mean years!) it is lonely, busy and who has time to put effort into finding a partner when actually you are so busy trying to keep all the balls in the air that you can barely fit a haircut in let alone a date, where the cost in time (haircut), babysitting, effort to get the date etc make you wonder ( often) if it's worth it. I find meeting up with new people I meet along the way, and more recently grabbing chances to widen my social circle with them in an effort to a) get out more b) have adult conversations that are not work, helps.... and it's a start....so who is in?! ;)
And you don't have to be a single parent......just divorced, feeling lonely, whatever.

Re: Social life after divorce?

by foodeditorjo » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:05 am

Hi
I really feel for you... I was naive enough when I split from my husband, five years ago, to think that the women I'd met through school and who I'd considered to be good friends, would be supportive and that our friendships would continue. But no. I was pushed out of my book club and more or less cold-shouldered by everyone as I no longer fitted the mould of half a couple. It was a real shock and plunged me into terrible depression for over a year.

A few dear friends stood by me, but I now find even five years on that I have a very small circle of friends. As you say, a lot of people are still in that family/mothering role so our lives don't mesh at all!

It's hard to find new friends - I'm in my mid 50s and I'm fairly selective. Generally I love my own company and have travelled the world on my own. I think it's good if you can do that and not feel the need for lots of people around you. Like me, you probably have a vision of a life filled with friends but in fact as someone else has said that's not reality for most people.

I suggest that you have a look at the organisation meetup.com - it has a lot of activities that you can join in with, from visits to art galleries, to social events in pubs, photography, walks etc. And yes, try online dating. My experiences have been pretty mixed but I'm sure there are gems out there... good luck. And please PM me if you'd like to meet up for a drink!

Re: Social life after divorce?

by Super Daddy » Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:06 pm

Dear All,
I would like to propose the following for us all to do rather than being experts and consultants (action speaks louder than words)

- Everhopeful is not the only parent feeling the loniless or cold shoulder, there are loads of parents in our neighbourhood, play grounds, and schools that are excluded from the cool gang of the Motherland or dads day out with kids activities, it’s easy to say to a lonely lion that just join the pride but it is hard to be accepted by the pride, that said, it’s easier for the pride to welcome a new member to the club. So, if you are already sorted in your Motherland cool club or dads out with kids activities, I urge you to invite a new parent and make the circle even bigger, it would cost you nothing and highly beneficially to a new member. Yes, I am encouraging you to speak to the parent that you don’t know and does not look like you (that odd parent could spice up the cool gang).


Dear Everhopeful
Well done for your bravery. I hope the cool gang parents would invite you to their clubs irrespective of your martial status.

Super Daddy

Re: Social life after divorce?

by O Mumma » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:38 pm

Hello EverHopeful,

I'm currently in the process of divorce and your message definitely resonates with me. Please feel free to private message me. Perhaps we can catch up for coffee or arrange a weekend playdate for our children if they are similar ages etc x

Re: Social life after divorce?

by actuallyadad » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:58 am

well the first thing I'd say is that are you sure that all the "complete" families as you put it are actually invited to loads of lovely dinner parties and walks in the woods?? Who are these people 'cos we are not them! I'm sure they're not living the Utopian lives you think they are!

Jeez we're a "complete" family and we basically spend most of the weekend avoiding DIY, struggling with homework and if we do get invited to dinner, the chat is about senior schools and redundancies and where to ski... We often think we'd rather be at home with netflix and a bottle of wine! So you're not missing much!

Re: Social life after divorce?

by Babber » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:31 am

Hi! I am sorry that you are feeling lonely and excluded. There are lots of great suggestions here about finding partners and figuring out new things to do, but I agree that meeting new friends as a an adult is a bit more challenging. Have you tried the app Mush? It is available on Google Play or the Apple Store: https://letsmush.com/

I know I sound like an advertisement haha, but I am not affiliated with it. I am just a really big fan. It is an app for mums who want to meet local mums in the area. I call it the Mum Dating Website. You put in your age (if you want), your location and a bit about you, and you can see who's in your area and arrange meet ups. I used it when I first moved to Teddington and wanted to meet new mums near me. It is brilliant! As a result I have a few very good mum friends. I know there are single mums on there too, so maybe you could arrange meet ups with them or even go out on weekends when you both don't have your kids?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Best of luck and big hugs to you xxx

Re: Social life after divorce?

by janee » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:54 am

Reading through the responses, I have 2 comments. 1) some responses seem to focus on you finding another partner. 2) the other responses focus on finding yourself (and maybe a partner).

I have to declare bias. I am a single 73 year old who has never had (or wanted) children. I think that you need to sort out what it is that interests you as an individual (not as a mother) and get involved. Have you thought of doing some voluntary work - offering your skills for others? If you focus on your 'singleness' then you are likely to be seen as a threat by other women who are in relationships - because, in a sense, you are looking for a partner (possibly theirs!) However, if you focus on your interests and using your skills for others, you can develop proper friendships, rather than those based on children and status. There is a huge range of activity you could get involved in from exercising dogs for Battersea Dogs Home to visits to sheltered housing to helping in charity shops (my sister does that) to environmental work to sport to............

Re: Social life after divorce?

by jon_events » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:29 am

Echoing what others have said, focus on you.

I'm on the other side of a divorce, sadly with my daughter the other side of the planet. I've found Tooting Lido to be an amazing place with wonderful people. I started swimming there last summer and got through the first winter last year. Still going every day, really good for me, both the cold water and the chat with the Lido community. I'm also getting back into sports with a club which is helping too.

From my perspective re-connecting with my goals and being clear on what I want to do, should in theory (and in time) mean that I can meet someone who likes me for exactly who I am.

Good luck & take care.

Re: Social life after divorce?

by HikingGirl » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:11 am

Totally true. Lots of people are lonely. My husband travels a lot, and if he is home, he loves being at home and not having a social life. I have learned to build my own, but it does take time.

Frankly, as I am from abroad (The Netherlands), I have learned over the past 12 years that people do stuff with their family over the weekend, and perhaps with their friends from uni, but they certainly don't have time for me, just another mum from school. I think in 12 years, regardless of endless dinner parties, Sunday lunches, evenings-in etc. I have organised, we have perhaps been invited back twice. It took me 5 years to find out people actually do a 'Sunday lunch' and what it is. We were just never invited.

I also know, what no one here seems to say, that indeed couples do NOT like to invite singles. They are scared it could be awkward to not have an equal number or ...you might nick their husband. Honestly true! This is a real worry for people apparently. I have had it the other way around. I was good friends with a guy, as we both coached our sons sports team together. When he divorced he distanced himself from me (I was one of the last to even hear he was divorced). One of the other (male) volunteers eventually told me it would be better for me not to appear to close to him as it might get people talking....

A friend of mine who lost her husband to cancer, lost most of her 'couple' friends with it. She was just no longer invited as it might be awkward.

The solution? It's already been mentioned. Find a place where they really need people. I have joined countless things, but finally found my place in scouting. They are tremendously grateful for everything I do and we have a real fun group of adult volunteers. I have also found single mums are indeed great friends to do stuff with. And other foreigners, who also don't have the ready-made social life. Singles holidays could be a fun thing too (a friend of mine did). And yes, you do have to always be the pro-active one. Organise your own table for the school quiz etc. a friend of mine did that with all the other single mums.

One of the single mums actually did find a new husband within a year, by joining a golf club, apparently they are full of men looking for partners. (??)

I lost my previous partner to cancer, and got to know lots of 'young widows'. I was 30 most of them were around 50 years old. I learned from them that really the dating market is not in your favour. A 50 year old guy can find a new lady easily. However, it's much harder for women. Most of them tried, and did find some boyfriends and male friends eventually, but it's jut not easy, regardless of how much fun you are and how gorgeous you look. And only one of our group did remarry.

I am not saying you shouldn't try. But please, please don't blame yourself or your looks. It's hard for everyone.

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