Hello Notwhatitseems

I wonder how you are getting on as I see there have been many useful replies, and I also hear what an overwhelming situation this is on so many levels, in addition to your son’s Schooling issue

My first thought is it would be helpful to see a good couples counsellor as the issue here that has directly impacted both you and your son is that your husband has not been honest with you and you feel deceived. Having an honest and open relationship is key and it may have left you wondering if this is the extent of the betrayal?

My second thought is that you need to be honest with your son about how it’s not possible to send him to a private school as the budget is tight BUT he does not need to know the full details of why this is the case.

If we demonise dad in any way about his failure to budget or manage money this may cause your son some anxiety worrying about things not within his control and he may feel Dad is flawed. If he feels Dad is flawed, children take that to me something about themselves, so it’s never helpful

My final thought is you son will need lots of emotion coaching as his feelings of disappointment will be huge and depending on his emotional intelligence, he may struggle to articulate this. You need to validate all his feelings even though it may be uncomfortable for you. NAME IT TO TAME IT .... let him know it’s ok to feel upset and try not to reassure or advise or deny or dismiss his feelings. I know this is counter intuitive and that’s where the power of being an emotion coach lies

This is a stressful time for you all as it’s easy to catastrophise and think that his future lies in him getting the ‘best’ education .... with your support, he’ll be ok

Wishing you all the best
Elaine x

The best education you can give your son is to show him a strong independent (financially so) mother - Private or state - the only real education is in the home -you and his dad are his mentors 

If the dad is deceitful and bad at handling money (for what ever reason) and you haven't taken responsibility for getting involved - what lesson is that teaching you son?

Sorry to be harsh - but honestly - there is a lot of elitism in private schools and nothing wrong with a good state school but if the family dynamics are dishonest and based on conflicting values then the basis is not a good education for your son

Educate your husband first and be involved so you know what is going on . Good Luck 

It's not really clear to me what you are angry about. Is it that your husband has gone out and spent the money? Or is it that you've just discovered that you aren't as rich as you thought you were, and you blame your husband for not informing you of this at his earliest opportunity?

As others have noted, you can try getting a bursary out of the school - but I would imagine that they would only give you short term assistance (ie, maybe a year), if your son hasn't gone through the process relating to bursary applications. Alternatively, you can start planning now for 13+ entries, and find another place for your son.

As also noted, state school allocation for next year has already happened, so you are probably going to struggle finding a place.

No one seems to be talking much about your husband.  I understand that you may be annoyed by him but a) you need to talk to him about it; b) he needs to be involved in the decision about your son and c) perhaps he needs to be the one who talks to your son when the decision is made.

There seems to be a rather big lack in communication on both sides.

I’m afraid that you also need to consider that the good state schools will have allocated their places for September by now so you also need to talk to the council about which State schools have spaces and get on the waiting list for any which you prefer but which are full. It is quite common for spaces to become available as many families accept a state school offer as a back up for private and never get around to withdrawing - just don’t turn up on the first day of term. So you and your son may have to hold your nerve even beyond the start of term - and in the mean time he may have to deal with not going to the same school as his friends. Be prepared for him to be very angry (frustrated and scared) - and don’t be tempted to blame everything on your husband. That won’t help your marriage or your son - and could backfire nastily - he is old enough to understand that marriage is a partnership and he may well hold you responsible for not being properly informed about the family finances.
On the up side he is clearly a bright boy and he will do well in a good state school which will mean - even now - that he has a better chance of getting into a Russell group university - and by the time he gets to be 18 the current tentative policies to get more balanced intake will be even more established. Use any extra money you do have to give him the chance to do a range of sport, drama and music and pay for extra tutoring if he needs it at any point.
Good luck

You have had good advice about your son but didn’t mention details of your husband’s deceitfulness . A very big word of advice . My husband did the same thing when we were first married . I forgave him but it only became worse . He ended up forging my name on a second mortgage and pawning my jewelry many years later. The last thing I would do is set up a joint account . But I would focus also on this deceitful ness. You didn’t mention if you worked . If you do I’d be very wary of this situation and leave now . I should have walked out 20 years earlier and saved me and my daughter huge heartache and protected my finances . The deceitful ness does not go away it just gets harder to detect .

There's good advice above about asking the school asap if you are eligible for a bursary in these circumstances. If that doesn't work out, I don't think I'd get into too much detail with your son about your husband being deceitful. I'd be rope-able in your situation but that's for you and him to discuss privately I think. Once you've sorted out the immediate school issue set up a joint bank account with all of both your salaries going into it and your name on the mortgage and main assets otherwise you and your child/ren are vulnerable for this sort of thing to happen (am assuming he is main or sole breadwinner). Then you can check statements and keep an eye on the money which I wouldn't trust him to do now, given this situation. Best of luck!

Really feel for you and your family. You have every right to feel betrayed but i am sure that your husband feels very guilty and bad about this already. he's probably trying his very best. So my advice would be not to come down to hard on him. I would also speak candidly to you boy and explain the situation. X

This must be a very difficult time, to find out your husband has been hiding the truth of things from you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Your post asks how to tell your son. I think if you have the time (he’s not already telling his friends where he’s going) then do as much research as you can first on state secondaries locally and the possibility of bursaries at the private school he has got a place at. Get your ducks in a row, so to speak, so you can give him some clarity. If the bursary route doesn’t work I think you have two options:

Be straight with him and tell him that you and your husband have realised you’re not in a position to send him to private school. If you go down this route I wouldn’t blame your husband (it could create all sorts of problems and resentment now or later) but reassure him finances are fine day to day but just won’t stretch to private school. Back this up with examples of the state schools you’re considering and why. Get really educated on what’s out there. We’re not at that stage yet but I understand there are some really good secondary state schools in the area with great results. Some have a certain proportion of students via selective entry (Graveney I think?).

Option two is to say you understand there are some good state schools locally which you’re exploring as an alternative (assuming you can’t explore them first and then tell him a decision) and that you think the experience will be more positive for him. Maybe involve him in looking at them? I give option two because I know as a child I would have felt terrible for my parents and worried that there wasn’t enough money to live on even if they reassured me there was. But I was a worrier and your son might not be. My children are much younger so I’m not sure what an 11 year old is capable of taking on. If his friends are going to state schools it won’t be such a massive issue I think. If everyone else is going private it will be trickier and I think then you probably need to be upfront but be clear the family will be ok. Children do tend to sniff out when adults aren’t being straight with them.

If it was me I’d do option one. But I don’t know your son, exact situation etc. I hope that helps a little.

So you have signed the contract and paid the deposit?
Will cancelling now also mean you owe school fees for the Sept term?

Are you not on the mortgage?

I understand your anger but I think perhaps finding out the reasons for your current financial position would be more of a priority.  Addressing this issue as a family will help you all.  I went through a virtually identical situation where I had to leave a fee paying school because of our financial situation and go to the local comprehensive.  It didn't do me any harm.

Send him to the local state school. He might even be better off for it.

Yes I would suggest speaking to the schools about what has happened although they may have already allocated bursaries some schools have hardship funds. I guess it depends on whether you think you will get back to where you thought you were?

Good luck with it all.

Could you speak candidly to the head / bursar to see if you qualify for a bursary?