Granny obsessed with granddaughter! Post Reply

[Busycitymummy]

Hi there,

I am a regular user posting under a different name for anonymity. I have an issue which is taking over my life at the moment and I would appreciate some advice.

I am a single mum to a little girl, aged 7. I work in the city and have a pretty hectic life but I manage.

Since having my daughter, my relationship with my own mother has become very strained, we used to be very close but since having my daughter, all of her attention has gone towards her and for some reason I feel as though she really dislikes me. I know she doesn’t agree with me juggling a job in the city and frequently makes remarks to try and make me feel guilty and as though I should be a stay at home mum (I wish I could be but can’t afford to be!)

If I ever do anything for myself, such as have dinner with friends or god forbid have my nails done, then I am made out to be selfish (I have overheard conversations with mum and my stepfather). I would like to point out that I work hard to provide a good income for my daughter and I so that we can do nice things and go to nice places. It’s a struggle being a single mum but I’m also thinking of our future by staying with my secure job in a company where I have worked for years.

My mother is a shopaholic, to the point where they have had to remortgage their house to support her spending habits, she buys for my daughter constantly and completely overtakes and outdoes me to the point where I feel hurt. This may sound ungrateful but it’s complete overkill, to the point where she turned up on our doorstep three evenings last week, unannounced with clothes, gifts, chocolates for my little girls. Am I wrong to think this is not normal? I feel she is completely obsessed with her.

I also have boundaries as every mum does and whenever I try to discipline my daughter, she will undermine me and say ‘oh stop, she’s only...’. It boils my blood.

I’m not sure how or if I could every approach her to talk as she is very fiery and emotional and will most definitely fly off the handle, therefore I feel a need some advice on how to cope with this.

Thanks for reading my long post!

[rubyonrails]

Totally agree with Petal. It is your choice to parent how you feel is most appropriate. You do need to tell her before it all gets out of hand. 

Did she work when she was bringing you up? Maybe she is reacting this way out of guilt for things in the past? How were her finances when she was a bringing you up? Maybe she is spoiling your daughter as she couldn't spoil you?

I'm sure that she doesn't dislike you whatever her apparent behaviour.



 

[RumourMill]

What they said.

I also think you could write a letter?

It's something that Graham Norton always suggests - in his words "when you have a difficult conversation with someone they can never take back their first words or first facial expressions. With time to reflect they may wish they could do."

 

[Busycitymummy]

Thank you all for your replies, some sound advice.

@Petal Your last paragraph hits the nail on the head!

@rubyonrails I think you are right too, I feel she struggled financially when she was bringing me up, so your thoughts make sense.

@rubyonrails Also agree. I have decided to write a letter then invite her for coffee a couple of days later to discuss (and so she has had time to process what I say).

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I find this site so useful.

[Busycitymummy]

@runourmill *

[stellaofbalham]

good advice above...I just wanted to wish you all the best...and i think deep down (she will never admit this) your mum  is undermining you.
You are a good mum and we all rely on an income and we all feel guilty about having to work. However I know that quality time is better than quantity, create memories for your girl, my girls are grown up and they now recall special days (or even quite silly days at home) and events not opening gifts!!
You are a good mum and you do need to deal with it.