Elderly father to move in?

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takenaback
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Elderly father to move in?

Postby takenaback » Sun Jun 09, 2019 11:31 am

My almost 80 year old Father in Law was widowed about 18 months ago.

He has coped relatively well and has two children who have rallied to make the situation as bearable as possible. However it has become obvious that he will soon need more regular help than a weekend visit allows.

My husband has raised the idea of him coming to live with us.

He is a lovely man but caring for an elderly father in law alongside soon to be secondary school age children of our own wasn't what I thought would be happening and to be honest isn't what I want to happen.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you resolve it?

I totally understand that we do need to help, and that he may end up living with us, but I do want to explore all the options and in a way that won't wreck my marriage.

Thank you.
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awildebeest
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby awildebeest » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:54 am

One option you can look at it is day care at a nursing home- my friends did this for a while with her mother-in-law who had Alzheimer’s as they just needed a respite and to be able to get away sometimes without feeling guilty. That way your father-in-law can live with you but you don’t feel like you have to be the one cooking/caring/clearing up after him every day. Do your children get on with him? My father lives with us half the year for the same reasons and my girls love having him around. Maybe they can help with some of the care? Tricky situation though and I know it is not easy on a marriage sometimes, especially if you don’t have space to get away. What about your husbands sibling- can they not share the care so he lives with them half the year?
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Wuzalina
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby Wuzalina » Mon Jun 10, 2019 7:35 am

I think it’s an incredibly self-centred approach. Your father in law needs help. Give it. I imagine he didn’t expect to have such an entitled daughter in law but managed. Your husband clearly wants to do the right thing so why not do it?
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HightreesHouse
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Postby HightreesHouse » Mon Jun 10, 2019 7:43 am

After caring for two parents lovingly in their own home for a decade I would not recommend it. Caring has to be the most difficult job that you can undertake and unless and even if your heart is in it - at times next to impossible. It puts great strain on marriages. 

I would suggest that you look at care for him in his own home coming in a couple of times a day. This will cost money but might save your marriage. He will be happier living an independent life and may have friends who he will not lose touch with. If necessary he can have day care respite. It does still need everyone to work quite hard at say a weekend rota of seeing him regularly, having him to stay for Christmas and so forth. I would keep this going as long as possible. 

Do not feel guilty about it . Have an honest conversation with your partner. 
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Lovingsleep
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby Lovingsleep » Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:36 am

Wuzalina, have you cared full time for elderly relatives? You’re being very judgemental without understanding the relationships involved.
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Kirstie’s Mom
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby Kirstie’s Mom » Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:47 am

My 80 year old American Father moved in from the US when my mother died many years ago . I had a full time Managing Director role at a City bank as well as a 6 year old daughter to take care of. So I also had a lot on my plate although I did have a full time live in Nanny .
I have to say that my daughter now looks at it as a lovely time and wishes she had been a little older to remember and that he had lived longer than the 3 years .
Perhaps you might ask for some day time help and if money is a problem perhaps your F in L can help on that front .
As for my marriage having my father was not harmful at all.
Having elderly relatives live with their children used to be the norm . It’s sad that it isn’t any longer .
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SomethingBlue
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby SomethingBlue » Mon Jun 10, 2019 12:44 pm

Wuzalina that sounds a bit harsh... Not sure I would call someone « self-centered » and « entitled » just because they do not wish to turn their life upside down by welcoming an in-law in their home and caring for them.

Regarding your last comment about the husband that « clearly wants to do the right thing » actually if the poster is the one who will be required to do most of the caring it is not really up to her husband.
For what it is worth, I would do it for my parents but I am not that sure I would for my parents in law. And considering most of the caring would fall on me I would consider the decision mine.
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Alchemy
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Re: Elderly father to move in?

Postby Alchemy » Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:48 pm

Have you considered sheltered housing? Speak to Wandsworth Council, they have several locations: http://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/info/20036 ... ed_housing

It will allow him to live nearby, but as independently as he can be.
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