ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

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horshoe
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ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby horshoe » Thu May 13, 2021 12:10 pm

My ex husband and I split up nearly three years ago. It is an OK split as they go, we have a united front for our children.

One of our friends on 'his side' has booked a large house in the summer for a big birthday. Along with other families my ex are have both been invited and accepted, a large reason being that as children are invited we thought it would be a good way of them having both parents in a fun environment for a while but diluted by several other families.

I now learn that he is now planning on bringing his new partner. I think that this is unacceptable, in fact I am outraged given that a massive reason we both accepted the invitation was for our children.

Can't decide whether to stand down which would be awful for our children who are obviously excited or insist that he doesn't bring her. I just don't think that I can take being away with a loved up ex and am worried about how it will affect our children and the dynamics of the birthday celebration. Would love some perspective if anyone can offer any? Thanks everyone.
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rubyonrails
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby rubyonrails » Thu May 13, 2021 3:30 pm

I'm with you totally on this. You need to ask him not to bring her. If there weren't children involved it would be different but I imagine that it will make something that they are looking forward into something quite the opposite if you don't go.
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Goldhawk
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Goldhawk » Thu May 13, 2021 4:05 pm

More info needed - does he live with the girlfriend?  Do your kids spend time with her?
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itsw16
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby itsw16 » Mon May 17, 2021 8:26 am

Some guys are not easy!!! I feel your pain. All the best.
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Meadow
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Meadow » Mon May 17, 2021 8:27 am

I really feel for you. This makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. I can’t imagine why the new girlfriend would want to go too either - I couldn’t think of anything worse! I don’t know the circumstances of your separation or how you or your children feel about the new girlfriend but it feels far too soon to be doing this and my gut reaction is that he’s being unreasonable even suggesting it. Good luck!
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MummyCarolyn
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby MummyCarolyn » Mon May 17, 2021 9:35 am

I’d say if the children have already met her, then it’s probably a good idea that he brings her. There is a point where you both will have new partners and life continues and it sounds like it’s happened to your ex, not you yet, but that’s life. And she will be part of the extended family.
Having her to come in a “diluted” environment is probably the best way to introduce her slowly to the extended family in my opinion.

I would question why this makes you so angry and talk to a professional about it.

Most importantly, I would not stand down or the children will understand that you’re upset. And I would go there relaxed so having sorted my own issues beforehand...
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horshoe
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby horshoe » Mon May 17, 2021 10:43 am

Thanks so much for your thoughts. She is a relatively new girlfriend, they are only a few months into the relationship to my knowledge. The children have met her once or twice but she doesn't live with them. That is why I am so upset by it all. If they lived together I might feel different, to be honest ~I wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place and none of this would be an issue.
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Goldhawk
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Goldhawk » Mon May 17, 2021 1:28 pm

Don't go if she's going
You will get stuck looking after your kids solo while he has fun with his friends and his new gf
 
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Jellie75
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Jellie75 » Thu May 20, 2021 8:57 am

If possible, and he is serious about his new relationship, I would ask your ex to introduce you to the new girlfriend before the event so that you are not meeting for the first time in front of an audience and more importantly, in front of your children... perhaps even try a second meeting just you and her to at least have some familiarity. You never know, you might like her and get on really well!

It is inevitable that these occasions will come up and you can still show a United front for your children with other partners present.

I do completely feel your discomfort about the situation so speak to your ex and explain your feelings and if he and the new partner would be on board with getting introductions out of the way beforehand.

X
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Invisiblewoman
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Invisiblewoman » Tue May 25, 2021 11:16 am

Look I know that everyone should be adult about it and that you and him each have to move on with your own lives etc but I have to agree with Goldhawk. You will be doing all the parenting and your ex will be busy having fun with his new girlfriend and his friends and if you start asking him to do bedtime routine etc then you come across as petty “it’s your turn etc” and because they are his friends they will all support him and not you. I know that this isn’t the grown up way but sadly this might be your holiday reality. I wouldn’t go, let his new girlfriend watch him be a wonderful parent and you have a nice week with your friends and family....
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AlexBackersz
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby AlexBackersz » Fri May 28, 2021 11:12 pm

a very hard situation. I would personally ask him not ot bring her, but only after you speak together and figure it out.
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OliGirlz
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby OliGirlz » Sat Jun 12, 2021 5:33 pm

I think you shouldn't really care about this. He's your ex and you must deal with this situation. Bring your new bf with you!
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juliantenniscoach
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby juliantenniscoach » Sun Jun 13, 2021 12:19 pm

Goldhawk wrote:
Mon May 17, 2021 1:28 pm
Don't go if she's going
You will get stuck looking after your kids solo while he has fun with his friends and his new gf
 
Smart thinking 
 
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Sircharlie_newmum
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby Sircharlie_newmum » Mon Jun 28, 2021 10:59 am

Why don’t you Let the kids go without you?

It’s been 3 years so eventually one of you would move on.

If you decide to go then make sure you meet her twice before the event. If she is not serious about him she will then back out of the trip!!!!!

However if they are not your friends why would you go?
Let him take the kids and you have a fabulous time with your own friends……
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SunshineForever
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Re: ex bringing new girlfriend on family holiday

Postby SunshineForever » Mon Jun 28, 2021 1:05 pm

Horshoe, I totally feel for you and have sort of been there, though thankfully didn't have to endure being with her on holiday. Firstly, YOU feel uncomfortable about it, this absolutely has to be honoured. Yes, the children need to considered, etc, etc, you know all that, but YOU are hurting and you are allowed to have your feelings and look after your feelings. Anyone saying you need to get over him moving on, need to understand why it affects you, that you should just get on with it for the sake of x, y, z, has clearly not been in this scenario to have a clue how it really feels. And the amount of years doesn't matter, you are doing your 'healing' and getting over it all on your timescale not on anyone else's and it will take as long as it will take for you to feel comfortable with the different stages of you both moving on. And right now, you are not ready for this particular scenario. And that is totally ok. And totally to be honoured. And - if you go away in that scenario, it may not be helpful for your children, because you may be distracted in your mothering by your discomfort.

And you're not talking about all having to hang out together briefly at a lunch party, you're talking about a holiday - days - and nights of having to endure being with her. And you plain and simply don't want to have her there. As much as you say the other families going are 'his friends', it sounds as if they are still yours, - and yours above being hers at this stage!, so why shouldn't you be allowed to enjoy being with them too?

And suggestions of meeting her beforehand, etc, that's not going to change a thing. Even if she turns out to be 'really nice', etc, will not suddenly make it ok or more comfortable for you. I'd say that's a non starter and not worth thinking about and anyone making this kind of suggestion has not been in your position. (I insisted on meeting my ex's new gf and discovered she was a dreadful woman, so in fact it just made life more of a nightmare knowing how awful she was - and knowing that the terrible stories my children told me about her were therefore likely not made up stories.)

I would absolutely be asking your ex not to bring her, she's got no business being at a holiday that early in, when it's both parents putting on a united front for the children. He may feel it's the right time for them to be doing this holiday together, but it's not the right time for you and the 2 of you are still in the same family package that includes both of your children, so you are still an important piece of how you work this sort of scenario out. If he wants to go on a holiday with his new girlfriend and children - he can go ahead and arrange a different one! That's very simple. This is not the one the girlfriend needs to be brought on. Which leads me on to - we all know full well that the very fact he is choosing to bring the new girlfriend on this trip, means of course he's not going to agree to not bring her if you ask. Been there. Those men are totally one track, their needs are what's most important in any given situation and they are oblivious to any one else's needs or what's actually the right / best thing to do. (And goes without saying that the girlfriend should not have agreed to go, so there's the measure of her worryingly straight off.) So - either ask, knowing he won't agree, and already armed with your next decision / thing you're going to say - or skip bothering to waste the time asking him, and know your next move now. Which I would say is not going. - And your children not going either. I know lots of people are saying let the children go with him and you spend time with friends, but why should you? If that is your time with your children, keep your time with your children. He's changed what the trip is by now saying he's bringing his girlfriend - he's changed the trip for you - but he's also (possibly insensitively) changed the trip for your children - to be one that is either uncomfortable and not as joyous and fun because of her being there - or very different because you will not now be there. He's doing that to his children. He needs to wake up to how he needs to behave. This is not about using the children against your ex, before anyone jumps on that cliche.

My ex shoved his new girlfriend down our throats, forced her into everything, which she arrogantly went along with, had absolutely no consideration whatsover for our children, who adamantly did not want to meet her or spend any time with her, let alone go on holiday with her. They had a nightmare time during their relationship because of my ex's utter lack of consideration for anyone's but his own needs in terms of his girlfriend's place in his life. It caused so many issues. All he had to do was forgo one holiday with a partner to be fully focused on his children, but he never did. And they totally resented him for all of it, with repercussions still to this day. Partly leading to them now being divorced! You could always let it go down that path! ;-)
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