Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

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flying solo
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Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby flying solo » Thu Nov 18, 2021 4:09 pm

After 15 years together my husband and I are separating. We’ve done the therapy thing and we still love each other, but sadly, the intimate side of our marriage just hasn't stood the test of time.
It has been an extremely hard decision now made harder by the fact that my own mother is being very unsupportive of my decision.

She has pretty much told me that I am being way too indulgent, putting myself ahead of my young daughter who now has to deal with coming from a broken home and all of the issues that this will bring. Oh she's also thrown in that she won't be offering any financial help.

I already feel ashamed that I haven’t been able to make my marriage work and she knows that financially it will be hard as my husband is the main breadwinner.  I am beyond upset that she is behaving this way but her reaction is making me wonder if I am doing the right thing.


What do I do? I love my daughter more than anything and I don't want to ruin her life but I don't want to be living like a sister with her father for the rest of my life either?

 
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tamara
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby tamara » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:40 pm

I have to say that i would also be very upset if my mother reacted in that way. 
You sound as though you have taken your time to come to this decision I would get some one to one counselling to reassure yourself of the route that you are about to go down. I would also give your mother a wide berth. You don't necessarily need people who will tell you what you want to hear but you need angst either. You will find a way through.
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Ali4
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Ali4 » Mon Nov 22, 2021 6:20 am

I was in your shoes a few years back, I also grew up with divorced parents. One of my friends told me I was being crazy to think of divorce. Everyone else was so supportive of the idea, and this one friend really shocked me. I stayed. Nobody can know what you are going through not even your mother, but maybe there is a way you can see this working? Friends/siblings is not what you expected from a marriage, but maybe things will work out. Remove expectations and things might seem manageable. I’ve been in your shoes and your daughter’s and wish my parents had stayed together.
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Freem
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Freem » Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:06 am

If you really feel like you have done everything you can and don’t see a future with your husband then you are making the right decision.
I have been in your situation, my parents weren’t very supportive emotionally and didn’t help me at all financially.
4 years on I know for sure I made the right choice and I am so glad I did it. My children are happy and I now have a new partner who they love and have a great relationship with as well as their dad .
It’s very tough to go through a divorce but you can’t deny your own happiness. You matter too.
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NoodleFan
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:48 am

She is probably just worried about you and trying to “persuade” you to stay together, in a not particularly healthy way…

I think you’re very brave and it sounds like you’ve thought this through from all angles.

Surely your husband has to at least support your daughter? And doesn’t he need to give you something if he was the main breadwinner before?

Best of luck x
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Chucka2468
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Chucka2468 » Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:21 am

I can see you have conserns but there is precious little intimacy in being single or in searching for a relationship from scratch.
How might it feel finding that out just at the point your husband has become involved with someone else.
Try Retrouvaille. They have a great reputation.
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this_is_cat
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby this_is_cat » Mon Nov 22, 2021 9:22 am

Have you explained to her properly the reasons you want to separate?

Because the way you've described it in your posts makes it sound like you are doing this because you aren't getting enough sex..!

So if that is the way you've portrayed it to her as well, I can totally see why she wouldn't be supportive. 
To walk out on a 15 year marriage and wreck the life and stability of your young child, just to go in search of more sex, is pretty horrendous.  I can't imagine any right-thinking person would be supportive of that.

Perhaps you need to tell her that you didn't do a very good job of explaining your reasons last time, and reassure her this isn't about sex, or wanting your mum to pick up the pieces financially, and she might be more on side?
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Vickiwh
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Vickiwh » Mon Nov 22, 2021 9:25 am

Is your husband in agreement re the divorce? Have you talked through what his financial commitment would be towards you and your daughter post divorce? If you're both happy to split up, then maybe you could do some therapy sessions with your mother to see if she can begin to respect that you have a right to a life too. Or maybe you could wait til your daughter is older or even have a marriage of convenience til shes older and both you and your husband look outside the marriage for intimacy ... there are a number of routes forward that dont necessarily involve a complete split that might impact your child less. Its a very hard decision and I really feel for you but this is for all of you to work out, not just you.
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Swanladu2000
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Swanladu2000 » Mon Nov 22, 2021 9:37 am

I have been with my husband for 40 years, since I was 15. I love him immensely and he loves me, but intimacy is also a problem now.

We have been on the verge of spliting up, but I missed him and I can't imagine a life with him not being there, supporting me and loving me.

A few month ago I bought a book called the adventure challenge couples edition and we have to scratch off boxes that will reveal dates and challenges we have to do together. It completely takes you out your comfort zone and some are quite silly, but you can't scratch off the next one till you complete it so we do them and you know what? Even though we cringed, the dates have been fantastic and we feel like young teenagers again, it's been the best and cheapest therapy ever!
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NoodleFan
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Nov 22, 2021 9:52 am

How funny that someone above assumed you wanted more sex and I read it as he wanted it but you’d had enough (more common, no?)…
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Time for tea
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Re: Mother very unsupportive over my separation making me doubt what I am doing

Postby Time for tea » Mon Nov 22, 2021 10:05 am

As someone who was the child in this situation, do what makes you happy. I have much resentment over the fact I was the reason they stayed together in a loveless and then resentful marriage. Then when do you leave to live your life? My mother always said she left it too late to find someone who truly loved her. Hard not to feel the burden of that situation.
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