Mother won't see my child. Post Reply

[marymarymary]

Hello Nappy Valleyers,
Sorry this is a long post and its well out of nappies but its family so would really appreciate some feedback.   I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother, (she claims I ruined her life as well as my sister's as a difficult teenager, she was a young widow so single mum I was indeed a handful and it must have been hard without support, I have tried very hard to make amends but things were what they were and it was extremely complicated).  She is quick to take umbrage and happy to cut anyone out of her life.  I currently maintain a tenuous truce even though I am now over 50.   She helped out when my son was born but when the regular slots started becoming irregular she withdrew hurt despite me trying to explain whichever circumstances had caused it.  We stopped the regular/irregular arrangement, (it was mutual) and kept family contact but recently she has said she just doesn't want to see him.  She is now 89.  My son now wants to be a daughter, they are very confused about identity, and desperately wants to see and talk to her granny, who says she just can't.  She won't even talk to him on the phone and just hangs up. Her reluctance to communicate is not about the gender issue, I explained about this as a last resort to try and show her how much her grandchild needs to connect with family when she is having such an identity crisis - I don't want her to die without at least talking to them.  
Thanks for your time.

[emelrizwani]

I just saw your post and didn't want you to be left hanging with no replies as that must have taken a lot to share. 

This is such a tricky journey. There are a lot of online support groups, both for young people who are unsure of how they identify and for the parents wanting to support them through it. These communities are experienced, empathetic and kind. All characteristics that (a) your family needs and (b) your mother seems unwilling to provide. 

You could start with Wandsworth THRIVE's LGBT Forum
https://thrive.wandsworth. gov. uk/kb5/wandsworth/fsd/service.page?id=An1xRld0D0A

Families Together supports families of LGBT children
https://www.familiestogetherlondon . com/

Or this list of Wandsworth based services should be helpful
http://wandsworth . lgbt/wandsworth-lgbtq-services/

My advice, FWIW, is to focus your energy on finding the support that is out there, rather than throwing energy away on someone who doesn't seem interested. I'm not on the same path as you but have had to seek out communities where parental support was lacking, so I appreciate the ache and disappointment that you must be feeling. 

Wishing you the best. 

[Bebrave]

I feel for you. It sounds like you are trying to protect a relationship which isn’t supporting you, or your son. This must be a huge thing for him/her to deal with, stand by your child and show your mum that even at 89 you can stand up to her. Give him/her the support that your mother hasn’t given you and concentrate on the future.

[NoodleFan]

Agree with the above post. Possibly a slight generalisation but old people are so stubborn and certain traits they’ve always had get worse as they get older. Your mother doesn’t sound like she’s going to budge on this from anything you do. Also it sounds like she has some power here that she’s reluctant to let go of…

I would focus on your daughter and ensure she’s getting everything she needs - it must be difficult enough for her without this added stress.

Best of luck to you both x

[betterannabel]

Continue focusing on your daughter.

There is no need to pursue a relationship with someone who treats you or her so poorly, even if they are "family".

[Vicki W]

As above. I would concentrate on getting your child help. Many children desist after time and need help to talk through their issues, your mother doesn't sound like she will be helpful in this scenario at all.

[ProudParent]

I am so sorry to hear this. I know you say the issue isn’t gender related but in case you do want someone to talk to on that front (including other parents who have faced similar issues with family members) I would recommend Free2B who were a fantastic source of support and knowledge for us and our child. They also have youth groups.

[marymarymary]

wow, what a heartwarming bank of replies - thank you everyone who responded, great to learn there are resources out there, my gut feel is to cut loose but the guilt has been eating me up, thank you for all the affirmations that this can be an option, even just in thought as actually I don't really have the option as she won't see us!  Happy Family Festives to you all.
 

[Nonappyinsight]

hi
my impression is that I don't think you can do more at this stage.
And there is no need for definite action or cutting out etc. as your mother (not you) is the one who has withdrawn and so it is not for you to feel guilty.

Keep positive, find another older person to give advice to your children (do you value your mother's life opinions based on this behaviour anyway?)

She will probably reach out when she sees you have withdrawn, and when she needs you. :)

Then you can respond or not. No need to make a 'decision' atm imo. Step back at least until she becomes more friendly x

[Starr]

I can recommend a book written by my friend's relative, Found In Transition by Paria Hassouri. It's a beautiful memoir and very informative and I think you would get a lot out of it.
I'm so sorry about your mother but I don't see what you can do at this stage in her life except accept things and focus on you and your child and seek support elsewhere.
All the best wishes!