Permanently grumpy husband Post Reply

[mymyherewegoagain]

Has anyone got any tips on how to cheerup my weekends? My husband works very long hours and travels a lot for work. He’s the primary financier and I’m the primary care giver. Our weekends are miserable, he’s incredibly short tempered with the children and shouts at them for anything. I become very protective of the children when he’s having his rants and then him and I start arguing. It’s just horrible and I don’t know what to do.

[Pudding25]

He sounds unhappy, and it is more than understandable that you are unhappy too in these circumstances. Might this be a symptom of deeper issues in your relationship? Would he go to couples therapy?

His taking it out on the kids isn’t acceptable and they shouldn’t be subjected to this every weekend. And neither should you.

[Cinderalla]

I would say that either there is a deeper issue, could be money related, in my experience this can make people very unhappy and stressed. Or it is a case of you all needing a holiday, some time to break the hum drum of everyday routine. If he travels a lot he could well just be very tired. Wishing you all the  with getting it sorted.

[StressedHusb]

As above re deeper issues that may be at play...BUT my husband is really really grumpy because he is just really stressed and tired. He finds it hard to switch from manic at work to small kids running round....
What helps is a break. He is a much nicer person when not working! Also I try to make sure we have relatively low demand weekends - at one point I was like lets have dinner parties like everyone else and he said he is just really tired and wants to relax and see the friends he never sees rather than make new ones.... I also encourage him to have time out at the weekends to do what he likes eg playing golf. Yes, it takes him away from the family but he needs a break and comes back happier and more willing to engage.
I am also very happy to take time out for myself and he actually prefers being with the kids without me sometimes as he can just do things his way (as long as everyone is fed and no one dead, fine by me). It gives him time to connect with them. Also doing things with just one child at a time is less stressful (no sibling fights).

Once I framed it as him being tired and stressed rather than a nasty person, then I felt myself being kinder to him and the vicious circle got a bit easier (he was then nicer to all of us..).

[Moonlightdawn]

Hi

I can relate to what you have written and it's very tough. Just know that you're not the only one and that behind the jolly, often fabricated facade, many couples face similar issues.

Wholeheartedly agree with StressedHusb's recommendations. We also keep our weekends low-key. No big meet-and-greets for us. We have a babysitter who comes on a Sunday afternoon for a few hours. We go and read the papers somewhere and chat over a glass of wine and food.

What's also helped is marriage counselling. It's been a lot of work and not cheap. But I believe it's saved our marriage.

It is exhausting going from a very stressful job to full-on parenting on the weekends especially with small children. I let my husband have a lie-in on both Saturdays and Sundays. He's up at the crack of dawn Monday to Friday. I work too but not such crazy hours in a very demanding, cut-throat profession like my husband's. I've understood over the years that he's a more patient, gentle, happier person and parent if he gets extra sleep and rest.

Sending you a big virtual hug.

[Wandsworth_mum_of_3]

If you can afford it, get help on the weekends. Take the initiative, don’t burden him with the logistics, but get someone in for a few hours and spend time away from the children just you as a couple. Do some fun and exciting things together and find the joy in your relationship again. This doesn’t have to be permanent, just for 6 months, and then slowly start introduce fun family time. It will get better and it will be the best money you’ve ever spent.

[mymyherewegoagain]

Thank you thank you for all taking the time to comment. You’re right, he needs more time to rest and do his hobbies. I so appreciate the feedback.

[muddyboots]

I wonder if you have been able to tell him how you feel and how he is . Is he too lost in his moods that’s he’s in denial?

Whilst I think the advice above is nice, some very kind supportive wives, I do feel people need to take responsibility for their behaviour and mental health.

It’s one thing to be helping the situation, but I do believe that a person needs to do the personal growth and have the awareness to change habits and reduce stress.

It’s very hard when stress gets the family down. It’s hard to snap out of.
Little habits can make a difference, but he needs to be accountable for how he is behaving and affecting the children.
Only then will you even have a chance to make a change.

[HightreesaHouse]

I have been through this exact scenario.

It turned out to have its roots in a chronic lack of Vitamin D. This made him extremely tired and unable to cope

I would strongly advise a blood test.

[dhcwong]

I try and have sex with my husband when he is in that mood. Honestly, it works! Alongside all the other suggestions, this one gives instant results
for us both. There is no quicker way to show appreciation, love, care and increase self esteem for a stressed primary financier. Cheaper than counselling too hee hee

[NoodleFan]

dchwong that made me chuckle - but maybe he’s pretending to be grumpy more than if you didn’t use those tactics

[Anna2007]

Do you have times when you are alone with your husband when you could sit down and have a chat with him to tell him how you are feeling. Maybe you could go out on a date night with him without the children and have a conversation. Or you could get someone to look after your children and go away for a nice relaxing weekend with your husband. Are you always disagreeing with him? You should find out what your rights are by going to a family lawyer.

[Scientist]

As an occasionally stressed husband, I can relate to much of this and to many of the helpful posts in reply - especially the wise words of StressedHusb. 

There are so many things at play, in theory: his work environment; the home environment; how he feels in this moment, at his stage in life. I have a friend who travels constantly on business and I have noticed that he expects to live his life on a much more 'adult' level all the time, thus making fewer allowances for the constant interruptions and peccadilloes of children. I have had my fair share of time at home with kids, but I can get grumpy when 'adult time' seems to be forsaken. 

I think that if he is constantly working and travelling in order to bring him the bacon and you divide your share of family responsibilities in reasonably equal measure, then he is to some extent entitled to be less than bright and shiny if he doesn't feel that the other half of the bargain is being fulfilled. He may also be much more detached from the world of fatherhood than you realise. 

Maybe you need to organise some enforced time together, but away from the children, so that you can talk and express your concerns. Allow him to walk a mile in your shoes - and also listen to his concerns, try to put yourself in his shoes. Good luck. 

[funandfrolics]

Here I am feeling for the women in Iran risking their lives to be able to show their hair, and I get to read the answers on this post encouraging the patriarchy...

Has he thought about quitting his job? Like most women do who cannot balance a powerful job with family obligations? May I remind us that the most powerful women on the planet (Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Tsai Ing-wen) have been childless for a reason? 

Women with powerful jobs and small children dont get to rest or play golf. They dont come back in the evenings to a clean house, a ready meal and the newspaper. Women either cope or quit. If we cannot cope with the stress or it is affecting our kids wellbeing, we quit. We put our priorities right and usually small children wellbeing comes first. And that is why there are so many more men in powerful jobs. We keep hearing that we cannot have it all but men think they can? Why? Why do they (and some women here) think men are entitled to a better treatment? Why are we enabling that unfair treatment that only damages our career prospects and that of our daughters?

My advice: get him to go to counselling to manage his stress or quit. If he cannot manage his stress he is not the right person for that job. If he really wants lots of money and the only way to get it is to have a stressful job, he should not have had kids, as we must not mistreat them. Condoms are cheap. If your husband quitting and finding a less stressful job does not cover the bills then you have to get a job yourself, or lower your bills. Your kids happiness should not have to suffer because of your overstretched lifestyle. 

Re getting a job: get it anyway, even if part time. Men have not got a good record of being grateful. If he leaves you or you leave him, any money he has to share in the divorce settlement will be ‘you taking him to the cleaners’. He wont remember those Saturdays playing golf or you controlling his temper and shielding it from the kids… And if he gets run over by a bus, what will you and the kids do?  Both spouses working always makes more sense. If one loses their job or has an accident, there is still one salary to look after the kids. 

Re the sex answer: we all need that, and as long as you also get pleasure then great… 

Above all, lets not lose perspective. We adults have options, kids have not. The priority here are the kids happiness and wellbeing, and the example we give them, specially about gender roles, for both girls and boys… Try sharing the weekends. He gets his lie in on Saturdays and you get it on Sundays. Get him the kids on his own on Sundays. He should be rested and will get him to forget work for a day. Sometimes we people are better when there is no one there to care about our moaning. 

If you get him out of family responsibilities, the very few times he will have to deal with the kids he will feel entitled to be an arsehole and you would have enabled him.  And he will be like that with the kids if you divorce. He needs to know what behaviour is acceptable AND free from social services intervention…

StressedHusb: I dont believe you are a woman. 

[StressedHusb]

Oh I am very much a woman thank you. I also have a job that would quite easily support my family without my husbands income.

All I have set out is how I recognise what my husband needs. I very much look after myself too and do not appreciate your immediate assumption about my circumstances or that my husband comes home to a home cooked meal, his slippers and pristine children.