Been asked to have my nephew live with us whilst he goes to art school, help! Post Reply

[running stitch]

We have been asked to have my nephew come and stay with us whilst he does a year at art school in London.

We do have a spare room, so space isn't the issue, but sister and brother-in-law are quite different and they're much more rigid in their rules than I am.

For example I have two late teen/early twenty-something children and their partners stay over and my BIL did make a comment along the lines of "there'll be none of that with our son" and I'm not about to have different sets of rules for my children and theirs. Also although I love my sister she is quite high maintenance and she's making comments about how she can't wait for her "regular trips to London" etc.

I don't see how I can say no, and I'm not sure I'd want to, but I could do with some advice as to how to set boundaries with my sister and her husband and at same time let them know I'm NOT setting boundaries for their son.

[waltzer]

You are very brave. I think that they have put you in quite a tricky position. I have two older teens and I wouldn't relish having a third at all. That said if you do agree I would suggest a meeting to outline how it is going to work and send an email with what you agree afterwards. It will be easier to have something to refer to if you have it written down.  I would also suggest that he goes home for holidays, so that you get to be with your own family. Getting as much as you can sorted upfront will be key.

[Goldhawk]

Just say no
Art school will be much more fun living in student accommodation
He can visit you for Sunday lunches and you can host your sister when she visits him

[sid_seal]

Was this discussed with you before your nephew applied?
If not, you should feel no pressure to agree and they shouldn't just have assumed that you'd be happy with the arrangement.
If yes, the situation is trickier - you don't mention their financial situation, but living in London is expensive even in students' halls!
However, I completely agree with the points you and other people made: he should have the experience of living with other students, rather than with Auntie; you cannot be expected to push on him different rules from the ones your own children have; he is most welcome to come over for dinner at any time (I would personally tread carefully on extending the "welcome any time" invite to your sister if you say she's high maintenance...), and you are willing to help him if anything crops up, but you are not prepared to hover over him like a helicopter.
If you decide to go ahead with it, make it VERY clear with your sister that he will live by your rules, not by theirs.

FWIW, I went to uni in the city where my aunt lived. I had an open invite for dinner any time I wished, sometimes I would stay over if it was late, but I am pretty sure it never dawned on my parents to ask her to give me permanent accommodation - nor would have I wanted it, much as I loved my aunt and uncle!
What does your nephew want?

[muddyboots]

Firstly, they are asking you a HUGE favour and are in no position to set the terms.
If you say yes, then it will hand to be on your terms!

If they are so specific, they can always pack up and move to London to raise their son under their exacting standards.

Do you want to do this? It’s a huge ask and huge responsibility for you.
It will be you worrying when he’s not come home on time or something goes wrong.

It’s a very kind thing to do, it could be a great experience for the cousins together.
However, if you feel this too much, just say so.

Simply say, you’ve given it some thought and careful consideration and it’s not going to be something you will be able to offer.
End of .
Send a text to start the dialogue if you can’t pick up the courage outfight.

If you say yes and don’t want to, you will spend the next year being annoyed or commit to arguing with your sister if you don’t set the record straight about their expectations.

Good luck!