Worrying about bonding with number 2

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coolmum
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Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby coolmum » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:30 pm

I know I'm not the only one who has had these feelings but I'm currently in my second pregnancy and just don't feel as excited this time round. Infact I'm stressing, worrying, making myself feel down in the dumps as I am thinking why am I spoiling this wonderful thing I have already. What if my current child feels neglected when a new one comes along? How will I cope going through it all again? How will I share my love and how will I love it even more than my first.

I hate these feelings. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has one through this.
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stayathomemuminsw11
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby stayathomemuminsw11 » Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:39 pm

You're SO not alone!

I am expecting #2 in November, (my daughter will be 3 and a half then). I feel exactly the same as you sometimes, and also feel AWFUL and guilty as lots of my friends have had numerous problems having their second child, and I was lucky to get pregnant easily.

I love my daughter more than anything, and we have a lovely life together! She is at a brilliant age, really easy going, (generally!) and we have loads of fun together, she eats and sleeps well, and has her own social life (!) and my life is pretty good-I worry a LOT about disrupting all this. The thought of going through the 'baby' bit again doesn't exactly fill me with delight. BUT what I keep thinking is that it will be nice for her to have a sibling, and I know that hormones are playing a massive part-I'm sure when the baby is here I will be okay (or at least I hope so!) On a practical level I'm trying to organise a bit of help for afterwards, and get as much house admin and stuff done as possible now.

I do have moments of feeling excited though!

PM me if you want to chat more or even meet up.

xxx
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supergirl
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby supergirl » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:22 pm

I asked the very same question to my aunt (whom
I adore) when i was pregnant of my second. So i want to give you her answer "you love your child so much, in a way you have never loved before, that you worry if you ll ever get room in your heart for another one... Trust me, you will have room. You will love your second child as intensely and as inconditionnally but in a different way because you are different and they are different".

Dont worry. Your feelings are normal but you will be a fab mum, you will love as much and you will do your best. And yes, look at the bigger picture, it is so great for a child to have a sibling.

Enjoy as much as you can and try not to worry too much. Sx
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CornishMummyinLondon
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby CornishMummyinLondon » Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:21 am

I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant with my second and a lovely neighbour of mine who has four grown up sons said to me one day that with each child you have "you grow another heart" and I think she was right. All of your feelings are understandable but you are giving your daughter the best present ever, a sibling to share all the fun with. Good luck with your pregnancy. Your little one will fit in just fine.
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SusieL
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby SusieL » Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:05 am

Your capacity to love the second is increased by your love for your first. I worried that I could never love anything as much as I loved my first. And then my second came along and I love them Both MORE. I like the 'growing a second heart' analogy as you do- you actually love more. And there is just no feeling like watching these two little people you love so much love each other. I have tears in my eyes typing this! everything you feel is normal. The fact you are worrying about splitting your time means you will be aware of it and will do your best. That's all any of us can do! Try getting your first excited about the baby- give the baby a nickname, when he/she arrives little jobs like fetching a new nappy etc, cuddle into you when feeding. You will get through it fine

On another note though 'post' natal depression can creep up pre natally so if you are worrying more than you can rationalise then maybe a visit to GP as catching it early will really help. Good luck- my second is just a pure joy!
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edam
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby edam » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:51 pm

I am welling up reading these posts - sitting at my desk at work looking quite silly!

Thank you so much for sharing though - I am also expecting my second in October and this really warms my heart. Like the OP and others, to begin with I was really upset by the feelings of guilt that I was neglecting my daughter, but then I realised how sociable she is and that she will absolutely love having a sibling.

I absolutely love the 'grow another heart' analogy!! Am so excited to see what my gorgeous girl will make of her little brother come October ;)
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dansk1234dance
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby dansk1234dance » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:55 pm

Hello coolmum

I'm due with my second one in a week's time (!) and rest assured you're not alone. In fact, I'm still not 100% that I really, really want a second one and I haven't started being really excited yet either.

Like you, I'm very worried how my first will take it. I really just want him to be happy and loved and will we be able to do that to the same extent with another in tow, dividing our time?

I've had a terrible pregnancy, which hasn't helped. It's been hard on our lives and our relationship. Also, there's been so much 'admin'; sorting out a new room, new childcare arrangements (had to say goodbye to our regular and much-loved nanny due to costs), I know I'll be lonely on mat leave etc.

HOWEVER, I also take solace in the fact that I feel pretty certain, as other posters are saying, that I'll bond with the second as much as the first. SO far, I haven't heard anyone who's regretted any of their children ;) . I'm also not looking forward to nappies again, night waking, bottles etc, but I always bear in mind that actually it's such a short period of time - I know that now that my second one is 3 years old.

I'm looking forward to holding her, because only at that moment will it turn from pregnancy pains/worrying/diy to the baby room and become apparent why I've endured this, because in my heart and head I know that of course I'll love her as much as my first! From that day and until I die!
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coolmum
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby coolmum » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:57 pm

Thank you so much for all of these lovely comments!

I know I'm just being silly and when he or she is here everything will change for the better. I also love the grow another heart bit.

I'm not the first to do it and I certainly won't be the last.

The many emotions us mothers have to go through!
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coolmum
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby coolmum » Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:58 pm

Dansk, that last paragraph seriously made me well up.

Wishing you all the best with your delivery. Keep us informed how everything goes.x
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mummyjen
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby mummyjen » Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:34 pm

I felt exactly the same before the birth of my son. I loved hanging out with my 3 year old daughter and was quite sad about the fact that our lovely little family unit of 3 was going to change. However, as soon as my son was born we ALL fell in love with him and it was almost like first time around when you can't really remember what life was like before. I cherished the baby stage with him because I knew it was so short a time and it was much more enjoyable because I was so much more confident in my instincts than the first time. One thing I hadn't really thought about before was how the children's relationship would develop - there is nothing better than seeing them playing & laughing together. I'm now expecting my third and going through similar emotions again, although this time I'm feeling a bit sad that we are making my son into a middle child!!
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Mrs Contractor Mum
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby Mrs Contractor Mum » Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:48 pm

Mums - you are making me really broody reading all these lovely comments especially about growing a second heart.
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sparkletiger
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby sparkletiger » Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:28 pm

I also couldn't imagine how I'd have space to love my second like my first. The love I feel for my first child was so huge I couldn't see how a second would fit. But she does and I love them so so much. A mum has space in her heart for her children. And like another poster it is so amazing to see them Together. Of course you feel guilty you can't be there for both of them every minute but guilt is something that comes with parenthood I think because we love them so much. Good luck all you about to be second mums out there x
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HelenBirthBaby
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby HelenBirthBaby » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:37 am

I think every mum goes through this. It seems impossible that you could love another child so much. I certainly felt that way.

There's a good article on it here: http://helenredfernbirthandbaby.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/can-you-love-more-than-one-baby/
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emsken
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Re: Worrying about bonding with number 2

Postby emsken » Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:53 am

I felt exactly the same way and even In labour I was saying "what happens if I don't love it" but the second he was nor. It all withered away and my heart literally swelled for him! I a, soooooooo pleased I have two kids...it's hard work but amazing!!!! X
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