Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

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1sttimemummy
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby 1sttimemummy » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:19 am

I haven't read all the comments, but as a keen traveller myself I can see both sides of the coin; I used to travel regularly and often stay out of the UK for months at a time. I can see why he would want to go and travel and I can see why he would feel it is his last chance to do this, in reality this is not the last chance he can do this, but this is how he feels and he is entitled to feel this way.

I'm not sure how old your children are, but couldn't you travel as a family? This would be a fantastic opportunity for the children and you could also do some volunteering at schools, animal sanctuaries etc. while your exploring this fabulous world. Imagine how amazing that would be for the children?

On the other hand, I can see why you are upset by this. My ex-partner had 12 months of garden leave and he actually spent more time at home than he had ever done. He normally only saw his children at weekends but he decided that he would arrange to have them more often and did lots of lovely things with them during this time. He also made sure he spent a lot of time doing what HE wanted to do, he went on a few holidays with his friends (which I didn't mind) and he spent time on his hobbies (golf, shooting, fishing). We also spent so much time as a couple - it was the best year of our lives!

As a new mother myself, I cannot imagine ever wanting to leave my son for 4 months and I would be angry with my husband if he wanted to leave our son. I think the two of you should sit down and really talk about his feelings. I completely understand that he doesn't want to waste his precious 6 months off, those opportunities don't always come up!
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Scientist
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby Scientist » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:40 am

Firstly I can't believe how stupid and downright rude some comments are coming from women on this forum who feel it is ok to stereotype men based on this one example. Keep your foolish and blinkered views to yourselves.

If this man has provided the 'bread', so to speak, then he should be entitled to at least explore his options whilst on gardening leave - but in doing so he should involve his wife in the decision making process, rather than present it as a fait accompli.

I would love to go travelling on a sabbatical, as I never had a 'gap yah' and I have always felt I missed out. 6 months is a long time to be stuck at home. But what I would have done, apart from the suggestion above, is ensured that I could present a childcare option, together with domestic help, whilst I was away.

The worst outcome in this might be that the lady in question 'wins' the battle, but causes so much resentment as to damage her marriage. Good luck.
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AlisonH
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby AlisonH » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:46 am

Could you both do with some time? What if you agree that he can go for a month if he stays home and looks after the kids and lets you go somewhere for a month, then spend the other 4 months together? might be good for everyone!
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justanothermum
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby justanothermum » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:25 am

First time posting, but this intrigued me so much.

You asked if other wives would ' let' their husbands go... the question itself is problematic, but that aside, I like others would see this as a fantastic opportunity for your family.

As some people suggest, why don't you all go? Or if your husband goes for half the time and you go for the other half? Or shorter spells each.

You have lots of options to make this work for both of you.

However this is only a strangers view...I would trust my husband implicitly and would be happy for him to go...(but v. jealous so would def try and get in on the action!). If you don't trust your husband, then that is something different, and a different question.

I tend to agree with the earlier post, maybe you should really think why this is bothering you? Why does he want to go for so long? Is there something deeper that is the problem (eg.trust/selfishness etc), and if so this is also a great chance to get it out in the open and work through it.

Either way you have some good opportunities here to make things better in one way or another. Good luck. xx
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mijessi16
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby mijessi16 » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:29 am

How about taking the opportunity to go travelling as a family?
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Worriedandstressed
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby Worriedandstressed » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:34 am

Thanks for all the feedback, it's very very useful
I tend to agree with the earlier post, maybe you should really think why this is bothering you?
I think this is an interesting question.

I do trust him so it's not that I am worried about him straying. I think what really pisses me off is that up until now we've had an explicit agreement in that he works hard and brings in the money and I work hard and manage children/house/schools etc etc. That's not to say I wanted this situation but he has an incredibly well paid and incredibly busy job and a number of years ago he suggested that if he was to get to the big league pay-wise then he'd need to dedicate himself 100% and that meant I would have to do everything else.

That means when we go on holiday as a family he comes home from the office, takes a shower and steps into the cab ready to take us to the airport. His bag is packed, his passport ready and he just walks and leaves.

I was happy to do that (and more) as we had a deal and now I feel that now he has some time we should all benefit. Why can't I go to college for three months?

I see it as time for us and not time for him

I suppose that's what really bugs me
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Thecouplescoach
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby Thecouplescoach » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:53 am

I'm putting my coaches hat on for this one. Rather than look at 'who's right, who's wrong' it is generally far more helpful to look at what's trying to happen in the relationship.

What I'm hearing here is a request from both of you to have an easier time of it, that you are both feeling you are working very hard and need a break. Your husband is feeling that he wants to have an adventure and a break from the usual routine and sees this as a great opportunity to do that. At the same time you are hoping to share more of the burden for running the house / childcare etc. Your relationship has been feeling under pressure due to the demands put on it and you both feel you need some time out from your respective roles. Neither of you is wrong in this or right, both voices are equally valid and hold some of the truth (but not all of it) in what is happening.

As a relationship coach I would look at what's trying to happen in this relationship and, without coaching you both to go deeper, my sense is that this relationship is looking for some readjustment in terms of working hours for both of you. The opportunity of gardening leave has just brought this to the fore and now hopefully you can both look at the ongoing situation together.

If you both come from a place of curiosity around what your partner's needs / dreams are then it might help you in talking this through and reaching a solution that works for both of you, both in the short term and longer term.

Good luck,

Sue
www.thecouplescoach.co.uk
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wriggles
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby wriggles » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:15 pm

I sympathise with you about this as I do feel that it is entirely selfish for your husband to feel that he has earned the right to go and holiday on his own while leaving you with the duty of raising your children and looking after them on your own - unacceptable.
Whether he earns the money or not, your contribution at home far outweighs any monetary value so point one is you are both contributing and money doesn't or shouldn't mean that one's value is more than the other. Secondly, surely he would want to go away and spend time together as a family - is there something else bothering him? To see you have a break and get happiness from that angle as well as satisfying his urge to travel should be most important. It is a partnership, you are a partner, not only his support.
It is time that women stand up for equality at home and get husbands to understand the level pegging. Whoever the bread winner, man or woman, there is no one parent that deserves more than the other if both are contributing in some way.
Having one year off on maternity leave and now being back in a high profile position at work, I can genuinely say that looking after children (well) is much much harder.
I hope you do resolve the situation, it isn't fair, and get him to empathise as opposed to feel like he is owed this. If you let him go now, it wont be long until he says he is off again....
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Harbut
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby Harbut » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:44 pm

I'm a normal guy who's lucky enough to be married and have kids. I've also been lucky enough to experience gardening leave. Nothing special there, it's all very normal.

What's really not normal is a husband & father announcing he's off on holiday solo. It's a clear sign he believes he's living a parallel life to you and the rest of his family and, for what it's worth, you need to tell him 'no'. Your guy just needs to get over himself and man up to the reality that there are other people going on in his life.

I doubt either of you agreed to holiday separately when you got married, and I'm sure it's not what your kids agreed to when they won the prize of him as their Dad. So either you all go or none of you go, that's a pretty fair deal and why you're together I imagine.

Despite a lot of the comments about the general insensitivity of men, I can assure you (and others) that if he ever announced his grand plan out loud in front of most married guys they'd tell him he was being a dick & to grow up and go home.

Hope this helps.
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TootsNewMum
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby TootsNewMum » Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:22 pm

Very odd and selfish. Sounds like he wants to (re)live his twenties... But to what end. Aside from all the family issues and relationships issues this raises, does he really want to hang out alone travelling? How much fun does he think that will be? Or if he wants to hang out with other ' travellaaars', does he realise the twentysomethings will probably think he's a bit of a weirdo and give him a wide berth? What would he have in common with them anyway?
There is no way on earth I'd agree to this. I'd agree to a week in Vegas or a golf holiday with the boys for 10 days but I'd find this kind of request totally unreasonable and unfair.
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TootsNewMum
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby TootsNewMum » Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:25 pm

Love Harbut's advice! They'd tell him he's being a dick and go home. Maybe he should survey his mates on the subject.
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mama18
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby mama18 » Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:34 pm

This is incredibly horrible for you. I suggest you split the time up into chunks. Start with time together even if just a few days doing special things without the kids. Then let him have a week on his own with the children and you get a well deserved week away. Then he has a week away.

By then you might have connected as well as had some time away and he will have done idea what your job involves. Then sit down and plan the rest of the time. It is not HIS time... You are a family.

I suspect there's more going on here but let's not assume the worst. There's some amazing adventurous trips you could do all together as a family...

But you need to find out why and what he expects of you. Surely you are entitled to a break too? He needs to grow up and grow some! But be patient with him and try not to shout him down!
Best of luck x
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Lucullus
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby Lucullus » Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:09 pm

Harbut wrote: Despite a lot of the comments about the general insensitivity of men, I can assure you (and others) that if he ever announced his grand plan out loud in front of most married guys they'd tell him he was being a dick & to grow up and go home.
Exactly. Not read the full initial post, but sounds like he's being an insensitive, selfish dick.
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elenafrancesca
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby elenafrancesca » Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:17 pm

So he's basically married to you for ...what? Wow.

I think you need a marriage counsellor!
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supergirl
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Re: Husband wants to go on holiday on his own

Postby supergirl » Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:26 pm

I told my husband about this thread this morning. He said "well tgats ridiculous. Maybe he could negotiate 6 weeks but only if he pays for a full time nanny".

It makes me very happy to be married to him :D

He then said he would like to go on his own for 3 weeks (which i would love for him to do) but he wouldnt want to stay away longer. He would relocate us somewhere nice for the whole summer.

This and the few men who posted on here show that NO not all men are selfish.

In fact i do not know any selfish men, well we knew one but dont see him anymore. He was a real dick (hope he has learned).
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