1st world problem Advice please.

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Hamptons_EandS
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1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Hamptons_EandS » Wed May 25, 2016 11:16 am

Dear ladies of Nappy Valley

Please excuse the length of this but i need to set the back ground a little.

We have just had our first child and I am having a ring made up for my wife as a present, it is not going to be particularly big and shiny but hopefully not too insignificant either, the idea is that, in due course, our son can use it to propose with if he so wishes. The reason for this is that I did not have a family ring to propose with which is a shame as I like the sentimental side of that. As it turned out my wife and I designed our own ring and when my mother saw it she said "oh I have just given your sister a ring very similar to that!) always good to hear!!! Whilst there was no family ring to propose with my mother does have some random diamonds set in old pieces of jewellery from her grandparents and great grandparents I.E an old tie pin, that she has said are mine if I want them.

With that in mind I have asked my mother for these old diamonds and I am having them taken out of their settings and set in to a new ring along with an emerald that I have bought. My mother is slightly reluctant for me to give these diamonds to my wife in case we get divorced and they leave the family. I pointed out to her that the ring is meant to be available for our son to propose with if he so wishes thereby staying in the family.

My question is: when I give this ring to my wife should I mention that it has to go to our son should the worst happen and she and I get divorced or do I just give it to her, not say anything, and only bring it up if I ever have to cross that bridge?
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tooposhtopush
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby tooposhtopush » Wed May 25, 2016 11:54 am

What a lovely lovely gesture!

But I don't think you can have your cake and eat it.

What I mean is that it's a gorgeous gesture full of emotion and gravitas and it signifies your love etc etc but you can't make a statement like that with a caveat!

Otherwise it's not the statement you want it to be.

Sh*t happens and people do get divorced. If you think that's likely then I wouldn't be making the gesture, if it's not likely I'd make the gesture and accept that along with all of the pain and heartbreak that is involved in any divorce, this ring would be one of the casualties.

If your mother is still not happy on these terms then I suspect not everyone is onboard with the gesture.

Not sure if I have helped!
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Hamptons_EandS
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Hamptons_EandS » Wed May 25, 2016 11:58 am

Dear tooposhtopush

That was very helpful and thank you, I am of the same mind as you but you know mothers!!!!

I am excited to see the finished article once it is done and I hope the wife likes it, but she is very picky!
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Reb
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Reb » Wed May 25, 2016 12:05 pm

Lovely idea, but you can't expect to control something like that. Your son may never want to get married, or if he does he might want to get his own ring, or not bother with a ring, or get married to a 6ft 5 male who doesn't like emeralds. And you may have more children and they might end up fighting over who gets the ring, the ring could get lost or stolen before your child's 10th birthday....endless scenarios.
My advice....say nothing. It's a lovely gift for your wife, but I don't think it's fair to set conditions. I'm sure your wife will share your hopes for the ring to remain in the family in the future too, but if things don't turn out that way I'm sure you'll get over it After all it's just stuff ultimatley. A VERY 1st world problem. I wish you and your family good health, that is the most important gift you can give to your children.
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actuallyadad
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby actuallyadad » Wed May 25, 2016 12:11 pm

If you end up getting divorced then you'll have bigger things to worry about so I wouldn't over- think it.
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actuallyadad
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby actuallyadad » Wed May 25, 2016 12:13 pm

also not sure a family ring is so great any way. I'm pretty sure (and quite relieved) that my wife has totally different taste to my mother... !
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AbbevilleMummy
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby AbbevilleMummy » Wed May 25, 2016 12:56 pm

I agree with other posters and definitely wouldn't say anything. Also, even if you don't get divorced in the future, I'm not sure you can tell your wife that she needs to give it to your son to propose with one day? Surely that's got to be her decision/gesture?

My husband has given me some beautiful rings that I love, one of which being when my son was born. I adore it and it's of great sentimental value and will hopefully remain on my finger until my dying day! I certainly don't want to hand it over to my son in 20 years time so that he can give it to a girl he loves! It is and forever will be MY ring!
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Mrs Contractor Mum
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Mrs Contractor Mum » Wed May 25, 2016 1:57 pm

Totally in agreement with Reb. My MIL wanted my husband to give me an engagement ring which she inherited from her aunt. The ring was given to her as an engagement ring by her fiance who went off to war and didn't come back so she never married.
I didn't particularly like the ring and when I asked if I could get it reset as it didn't fit anyway the conversation got very uncomfortable and in the end my husband got me a ring of my choice.
Similarly, my grandfather bought a stone for my mum which was to be given to my husband and set in a ring. My husband didn't particularly like it so we both ended up having rings of out choice.
The sentiment is lovely, but personal choice of you son and his future partner should over ride. It might be better if conditions are to be applied to keep the pieces as they are and gift automatically to your son.
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Hamptons_EandS
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Hamptons_EandS » Wed May 25, 2016 6:16 pm

Dear All

Thank you for your invaluable advice, it reconfirmed my thoughts and whilst some suggestions about keeping the stones to one side and buying a new one make sense I want to have the family stones in there to mark the birth of our first child, As you say he might fall in love with a 6'5" Estonian body builder who prefers Saphires to Emeralds (not sure how I would cope with that! I am only 5'11" myself), or my wife might not want to give it up (although hopefully she will if the issue should ever arise). I like to live dangerously and give surprises so I think I will go ahead and have it made up. Next question is how best to present it (jeweller says it should take 4-6 weeks to make). I was thinking of a surprise dinner out, it could be our first couples night out since the little one's arrival!
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juliantenniscoach
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby juliantenniscoach » Wed May 25, 2016 10:27 pm

Reality bites:- When our first child was born, I bought my wife a lovely watch. For our second....................a fridge freezer! :lol:
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firsttimerSW11
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby firsttimerSW11 » Thu May 26, 2016 9:25 am

What nice husbands you are (Julian, I'm including you!), I got nothing at all from my other half. Might need to show him this post!
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actuallyadad
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby actuallyadad » Thu May 26, 2016 9:52 am

It's interesting, as an aside to the original topic, to see people's views about pushing presents (aka "child birth celebration rings") come out in this thread.

My wife thinks they are patronising and anti-feminist. Like she has to be rewarded by me with a gift from me for giving birth to my child, as if I'm some Henry 8th figure to whom somebody has delivered a son on demand. She feels it's like I'm paying her for her time and hassle in pregnancy and child birth, or incentivising her to do it again, which feels a bit weird in terms of equality in the relationship.

And if I want to buy her a ring (or she wants to buy something for me) from what is our pooled marital money, then we should just go ahead and do so. You don't really need an excuse to buy something nice and special for your spouse.

Anyway, obviously people's views differ and there's no right or wrong, but it's interesting!
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Seb
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Seb » Thu May 26, 2016 10:48 am

It's interesting, as an aside to the original topic, to see people's views about pushing presents (aka "child birth celebration rings") come out in this thread.
Agree.

My wife's friends were all asking what gift I was getting to get her after the birth of our first and I felt quite grumpy about it. Not only did I not have the money but I couldn't help shake the feeling that it made it more of a financial transaction as opposed to starting a loving family.

I am sure, actually I know, that part of my grumpiness was my own inability to buy a ring, so it was easier to pour scorn than play along, but from any perspective it wasn't a pleasant situation.

With hindsight, as I get older, these feeling of anger on my part seem a little childish. The two of my wife's girlfriends who got the biggest "baby bricks" (thats what I called the big diamonds for giving birth) ended in dreadful situations.

One ended up in a horrific divorce and the other became seriously ill and so my grumpiness seemed totally childish, we all ended up with much bigger issues to worry about.

But yes, I'm not a fan in principle.
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Seb
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby Seb » Thu May 26, 2016 11:13 am

My hub bought himself a very expensive 12 volume Jewish Encyclopedia ... each to their own rewards.
Love it!

I reckon I could have been given a THOUSAND opportunities to guess what present he'd have bought for himself and I'd never EVER have guessed that.

:-)
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NoodleFan
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Re: 1st world problem Advice please.

Postby NoodleFan » Tue May 31, 2016 8:35 am

Lots of sound arguments for and against but whatever, it's a lovely gesture and shouldn't be spoilt with any talk of the distant future. Especially if your wife has any post-giving-birth hormones hanging around!

Not sure this is a first world problem but more specifically an SW one!
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