Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

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rasberryripple
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Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby rasberryripple » Fri Jun 05, 2020 1:47 pm

My brother was unexpectedly made redundant at the end of last year.
For obvious reasons he hasn't been able to find a new role and his redundancy money won't last for much longer. He is understandably really stressed and I want to help.

I said as much to my husband earlier in the week and was shocked to learn that doesn't agree. He thinks that there are so many unknowns at the moment that we aren't in a situation to help and in any case it could cause a family rift if it goes wrong.

I am so hurt and shocked that he feels like this and I'm finding it hard to get beyond it. I guess my question is do I just respect his views and let it go? I don't want to push it only for it do more harm than good.
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chorister
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby chorister » Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:16 pm

I don't know if this helps, and it is certainly not intended in any way to be judgmental, but I have been involved in cash being distributed around a family, though not against the background of COVID.  You don't say anything about your circumstances - have you got children?  Are you and / or your husband both secure in your jobs?  Do you have a sensible level of savings and not too much debt?  How material would the amount your brother needs be to you?

It is beyond dispute that things really are insecure and uncertain at the moment, and your husband may actually be trying to do his best for you, feeling a greater loyalty and responsibility for you than for your brother.  Or he many simply be the sort of person who finds insecurity and uncertainty hard to deal with, and so wants to hang on to what he has.  It's a cliche, but you have to discuss it.

One piece of advice I would however offer from experience.  However crazy it sounds, if together you do choose to help your brother, then don't lend him the money, but give it to him, and mentally write it off.  If necessary make clear "there's no more from where that came from".  One day he may repay you in some way, but at least you won't be setting up a future dispute.

Best of luck.
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Grandison80
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby Grandison80 » Mon Jun 08, 2020 7:26 am

A difficult situation. Without knowing all the facts, I can see your husband’s point of view.

Assuming your brother has been working a while, and isn’t on minimum wage, not having any rainy day savings beyond the redundancy cheque seems a bit reckless. If that’s his approach to his finances, it seems there’s a fair chance any loan won’t be paid back, certainly not for a long time. He will have made choices along the way of the size of house he’s renting or bought, car he drives, holidays, spending etc, all of which have culminated in the current stressed financial situation. So it’s a really unfortunate position, but plenty of people, even on quite modest incomes, plan their finances to protect them if they lose their jobs in a recession.

Search any message board and you’ll definitely find similar situations, but five years down the line, where families have fallen out irreparably over these sorts of loans. The initial generosity can easily slip into resentment if money isn’t repaid or the terms of repayment drift. Your husband is right to be cautious of the chances of a falling out.

If you go ahead, I suggest you talk through the second order consequences. When and how quickly is it paid back? It might seem excessive but draft a simple legal document for the loan. You may never actually enforce it but it ensures everyone has agreed the parameters.

Ask is you would feel upset if in a years time he’s paying for a holiday before paying you back? If so, what if it’s a week in the Maldives rather than a caravan holiday in wales. This may sound flippant, but it’s exactly the sort of thing that causes falling outs later on. Your brothers family mat have different priorities to yours, and his idea of necessity maybe your idea of indulgence. On a more mundane level, what if he keeps buying a £3 flat white every morning which out of work, while having your loan. That might not bother some people, but might really grate with others. So have the uncomfortable conversations now.

Then think about your own family finances. How would feel if you or your husband see a reduction in income in the coming recession, and it affected a major decision for your family, such as opportunity for children or dealing with an unexpected health problem. At very least make sure you’ve got plenty of rainy day savings, and clearly mentally write the loan off as a gift.

Finally, one thing your husband might be worried about but not saying is whether it’s fair to his side of the family. Assuming you pool your finances, does a loan (especially a loan that doesn’t get repaid) leave him unable to make a similar gesture to his side of the family. If so, and your family finances are really strong, perhaps suggest he can make an equal loan/gift to his parents/sibling so it feels more equitable.

None of this takes away from a really tricky situation. The natural human instinct is to want to help family. Hope your brother finds a job soon.
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Nutcaseuk
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby Nutcaseuk » Mon Jun 08, 2020 7:45 am

I was made redundant at the same time, so fully understand his situation...
Happy to meet up to compare notes !! It’s tough at the moment for sure....
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nairobi365
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby nairobi365 » Mon Jun 08, 2020 9:45 am

I have been in the situation of helping people financially and have ALWAYS found it to be a life changing experience for them.
It has come after sitting down with them and going through finances in detail with utter openness and making a plan to help without judgement. It may include helping them into benefits and ringing any companies that they may owe money to.

After this comes a plan that we can write down as to whether it is a loan or a gift - again the non judgemental attitude is key and I am very clear that I won't help anyone with addictions until they are off whatever it is and in a regular addiction programme.

This includes friends and close family and I want to stress that the results have been staggering over the years, a bit like planting a garden that can then bloom. It's not always alot of money but it might be a turning point and I'm not rich and do contemplate seriously what I am doing.

If you'd like to talk to me, you are very welcome and I wish you all the best in this
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ArleneA
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby ArleneA » Mon Jun 08, 2020 10:24 am

i would go into my own savings account and take the money and give it to me brother . He would do the same for me. 
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rasberryriple
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby rasberryriple » Mon Jun 08, 2020 12:53 pm

Thanks to you all for the help. I guess I was thinking along the lines of ArieneA. My brother would never ask for help but I know that he would help me if he knew I was struggling and I wanted to save him the embarrassment. The fly in the ointment here is that I am not in a position to help as we have joint bank accounts. I don't think it is right for me to help him without us both agreeing.
I am not as mad as I was at all. I think that the sibling tie may have been making me blind to the fact that it is a tough world out there and the reality may very well be that we have to gift rather than loan.
I am going to speak to him again about it and maybe I hope I will be able to look back like Nairobi365 having helped him successfully.
xxx
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AndrewMane
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Re: Husband is saying no to us lending my brother money

Postby AndrewMane » Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:44 am

Fingers crossed everything turns out in the best possible way. Itțs always difficult, when itțs about your close people
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