in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

6 posts
playfair
Options:
Share this post on:

in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby playfair » Fri Sep 25, 2020 3:34 pm

My in laws have started to treat my young daughters very differently, favouring one over the other in an increasingly obvious way. My husband was insistent that I was imagining it until this last week when my mother in law got very cross with my eldest over a spilt drink whilst we were having lunch. She properly shouted at her for being clumsy and told her that there was 'no ice cream for girls with terrible manners'. She then openly praised my youngest for her perfect manners.

My husband spoke to her and I am apparently 'too lax on discipline'. I am so cross and so upset and don't want them anywhere near my house. My husband is embarrassed. Not really sure what to do next. Has anyone else got evil in law grandparents ? I would be grateful for any advice. Thanks.
Post Reply
DianaParr
Posts: 5
Joined: Sep 2020
Options:
Share this post on:

Re: in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby DianaParr » Sat Sep 26, 2020 12:44 pm

My in laws don't show any affection towards my kids. They show love only for the kids of their daughter, those kids get gifts and my kids get nothing...
Post Reply
Skies
Options:
Share this post on:

Re: in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby Skies » Mon Sep 28, 2020 7:33 am

I am not saying this lightly; you need to give your in laws two choices
1. Change the way that treat your daughters
2. Do not see them, definitely not unsupervised

This is not a matter of negotiation where a compromise can be met. It is your responsibility as a parent to protect your daughters from being exposed to such treatment. What if it gets worst as they are older and away from you. They need to know you (and their dad) will put them first no matter what.

I honestly know it is hard. But your kids need to come first, it is your obligation as their minder. And I am saying it as someone who did give those ultimatums to both set of grandparents.
Post Reply
NoodleFan
Posts: 115
Joined: Mar 2012
Options:
Share this post on:

Re: in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Sep 28, 2020 7:34 am

If you’re lax on discipline then how can your youngest have perfect manners...
Hopefully now your husband has said something they (although sounds like it’s mainly your Mother in Law?) will think about the incident and make an effort to be nicer.
How old is your eldest daughter and does she think she’s treated differently?
I would be furious but it does sound like it’s her problem more than yours - you don’t shout at someone like that unless you’ve got a few issues going on. Lockdown frustration..?
Best of luck...
Post Reply
supergirl
Posts: 1246
Joined: May 2011
Options:
Share this post on:

Re: in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby supergirl » Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:00 am

Hi OP

I agree with a previous poster that said that you cannot let it go. How you respond now will be the benchmark for both the future treatment of your daughters and your future relationship. So think it through yes, but DO respond.

I would make it very clear that
1. You are the parent and when around you are not expecting them to do the parenting;
2. If they must discipline a child they CANNOT i the same breathe praise the other;
3. That if they cant deal with a spill, that you wont see them until such a time that you are confident that your daughters have “manners”.

So you ask them to choose between having a relationship with BOTH your children or manners.

I would not wait for my husband to solve the issue. Any other cause of frictions, i very much of the thought let your husband deal with his own parents. But in this case, it involves your children for which you are 50% of the parents. Therefore I would very firmly and politely set up the boundaries. I hate blatant unfair treatment.

A part of me would have wanted to spill my glass too in sisterhood with my daughter 😉😂. I wouldnt of course.

I would also explain to my daughter that she needs to learn to be careful and what can we do to help, but that Grandma shouldnt have overreacted. At the end of the day, it is a spill.

As for the ice cream i dont understand the issue. Grandma said no ice cream for ill mannered girl. If I was there and was the mother, I would have said.

“I m sorry but I call the shots. You have already overreacted to a glass spill and shout at my girl, I dont think I agree with the removal of the ice cream as well. You have made your point. Enough now”.
Post Reply
GrandmaBeverley
Options:
Share this post on:

Re: in laws favour one granddaughter over the other

Postby GrandmaBeverley » Wed Sep 30, 2020 10:14 am

Skies is right. Protect your daughters from that kind of emotional abuse. I always regret allowing that to happen and trying to explain it away, but your children do not have the same rational defences against being treated badly by someone who should love them unconditionally as we adults somewhat do.
Post Reply