called out by school mum for not consulting on birthday gift Post Reply

[almonds]

My daughter is year eleven and the first of many school friend's sixteenth birthdays was just after they started this academic year.

My daughter asked if I would buy the gift that she and six others wanted to get as a joint present and then they would pay her / me back. I double checked that they were all committed and went ahead and purchased the Tiffany bracelet. I sent my daughter the receipt.

That was over a month ago. So far I have had two contributions not including my daughter's.

Yesterday I got a call from one of the mums saying how ridiculous that I didn't consult parents before purchasing such an expensive gift and that she wasn't the only mother with this view. No mention of forthcoming payment.

To say I'm cross is an understatement, not that totally disagree, maybe with hindsight I should have checked but I am spitting that this person spoke to me so rudely and is clearly not going to pay.

Any suggestions on what I should do next would be very welcome.

[Vista321]

Hi there

Poor you, this is tricky. I think if I was the Mum of the recipient of the gift, I would probably have been surprised about the generosity of a Tiffany bracelet and understand if you explained the circumstances, asked for it back and then replaced it with a less expensive bracelet or present just from your daughter.  I would not want there to be any bad feeling related to my daughter's birthday.  That's just my opinion, but I would understand that teenagers are not 100% reliable with their promises!

Good luck and I hope it sorts itself out

[windmill26]

As a parent I would have expected you to get in touch with me regarding contribution to any present more so for an expensive bauble from Tiffany.
I would email the other parents with the explanation you have given above and they can take it up with their daughters .
If my child gave the go ahead for such an extravagant gift without my permission I would expect he would pay for it out of his own pocket...
 

[Frazzled working mun]

Ultimately you shouldn’t have to bear the full cost Of what was an honest oversight. I would suggest that you ask the remaining parents to contribute what they are comfortable with, so you are at least less out of pocket.

[supergirl]

At 16, I would expect my child my child to be able to own a decision they have made be it a mistake or not.

But I would also expect an ADULT to be able to check that the money exists before buying such a gift: send me the money first and then I ll buy it or something like that.

I would also expect that, unless they all have a part time job, the mother would contact the parents to make sure we were all in agreement.

Ultimately, the 16 yrs ild were just that teenagers. And you made a mistake. I think you are more cross at yourself for having trusted them in the first place including your daughter as you say.
The next step is up to you: you can suck it up or you can ask for the bracelet back and return it / sell it, ultimately it is a lesson you all have learned.

The other mother didnt have to be rude about it but she has a point. Sorry it happens though i know it is upsetting (she who just bought mega overpriced socks for her husband because they looked fun )

[hal]

Your intentions were obviously good and it was a kind thing you did for your daughter and her friends; but you should have checked with the other parents before making the purchase to ensure it was ok with them. That’s the case even if the other kids had the cash up front - they’re only 16.

The parent who called you is completely right - they just shouldn’t have been rude about it as it’s an honest mistake.

Now it’s done, I think you can only tell the parents that you’re sorry you didn’t consult with them, you’ll understand if any of them don’t wish to contribute and that they are welcome to pull out, leaving it as a present from the rest of the kids, with you picking up the balance. I don’t see how it is right for you to expect them to bail you out for your decision to trust a group of 15/16 year old girls (although they may choose to contribute and should now be speaking to their children about responsibility and what they thought they were doing - if it was me, and depending on the price, I would pay and use it as a lesson for my kid, but I still would have said something to you about it).

Or alternatively you speak to the parents of the birthday girl and explain that there has been a breakdown in communication and a mistake, and you need to exchange the present.

Either way though, while clearly generous and well-intentioned, it’s your responsibility to bear the burden/embarrassment as it was your lapse in judgement. We all do it, and I appreciate it sucks - good luck!

[MagnoliaMum]

I actually think it was the girls' responsibility individually to check with their parents if they expected them to pay or contribute. From what I've seen of my son's friends at that age, many of them appear to have generous allowances or be making money, if not from a job, from selling on clothes online. I don't think it was unreasonable of you to assume it was ok if you double-checked with the girls themselves. At that age, they want to be treated like adults - but equally have to bear the consequences and pay themselves if they made a mistake or work something out with their parents.

The other mums are clearly talking amongst themselves so you need to confront it. Ideally ringing them individually, if you know them well enough, to explain that you were assured that it was all ok before you spent the money. You now regret that you didn't check with the parents as well, but were told it wasn't necessary. The problem is really the lack of communication between them and their daughter in my view - but you have to be a bit tactful on that as everyone is different in their parenting and some girls may be a lot more grown up than others!

For me, the major issue would be the precedent set by an expensive present for the first birthday in a year of birthdays, but hopefully it's only that small friendship group...

[Kirstie’s Mom]

You didn’t state the price of the bracelet so it’s a little difficult to know if this is wild extravagance or just cheap parents .I have bought silver Tiffany necklaces in the past for around £300 which amongst 6 girls is £50 each . Pricey but not outrageous and thoughtful for a 16th- more than most tat that will probably be lost .
As the girls are 16 I think they are old enough to make decisions and frankly it’s not your job to check with each Mother especially after speaking with the girls . Having said that if these Mothers’ had any decency they would have spoken to you directly if they found the present expensive to understand the background rather than gossip behind your back - most importantly they should have spoken to their daughters. They should all pay and thank you for taking the time to purchase the gift . If they think it expensive they should then ask for payment from their daughters either through chores or allowance clawback . As per the rude Mother she is just lucky she didn’t speak to me like that .

Having said that if the present hasn’t been given I’d return it to Tiffany and call rude Mother and hand the job over to her .

[nvmof3]

I agree with @MagnoliaMum.  If the daughters committed to buy a gift, then they should honour that commitment.  Their parents should be teaching them that if they say they will do something, then they have to go through with it.  Each family should have its own rules on whether their kids have to check with parents for purchases over a certain value.  The daughters seem to have broken their own families' rules - you have not done anything wrong.  If I were you, I would retrieve the messages in which their daughters committed to buy the gift and send them back to the parents dexplaining that in your view their daughters are on the hook. If it were my daughter and she had committed to buy something that she couldn't afford, I would pay for her and then make her do chores/work to the value of the bracelet in the hope that that would teach her the value of money. They should look upon this as a learning opportunity. 
On the flip side, I would be shocked if my daughter were given something so valuable. It is way out of kilter with the normal value of birthday presents, and because of that, perhaps it might have been prudent to double check with parents, but it is too late for that now. 

[dudette]

OMG please don’t ask for it back if you’ve already given it. Just don’t. I can’t believe anyone suggested that. I also am fairly surprised, as the mother of a 16 year old, that anyone is paying for their daughter’s friends presents. They’re old enough to go to Tiffany and buy the bracelet themselves. I think the mother who was rude to you was out of order and I’m afraid that the blame for this mess lies wholly with your daughter. It’s her responsibility to get the money from her friends and if they can’t/won’t stump up then she needs to pay you back any way she can. 16 year olds are old enough to get married! They’re certainly old enough to take responsibility for something like this. Apart from the fact that you’re currently out of pocket and you had someone being rude to you, it’s really not your problem. You need to be a bit tough I’m afraid - it’s how they learn!

[Happy Valley]

I think I’d be upset not to be consulted as a parent. Not least because if you do this for one girl then surely you have to do it for all six - if it’s £50 a time then £250 for 5 friends is rather a lot.
Yes they SHOULD be responsible at 15/16, but they are still children. No doubt well-meaning but they probably didn’t think it through (and/or, who knows, maybe wanted an equivalent present themselves!!).
Not sure what you can do now - agree you can’t take the present back.

[JoeS]

Genuinely shocked by the responses to this. The girls are 16, not 6, and if they agreed to pay you back they should do so - you did nothing wrong! The other mother in question sounds pretty awful and clearly needs to have words with her own daughter (rather than you) if she’s promising money she hasn’t got. Wouldn’t waste my time on someone like her...

[almonds]

Thanks for all of your replies.
Kirstie's Mom your reply made me laugh. Yes I wish i could hand the job over.
To further explain, I really did double check that they had replied in writing not just said that they wanted to be a part of the whole thing. The bracelet cost approx £45 each. It isn't the first time that the friends have pooled to buy a present although it has usually been 2 or 3 friends and the cost per head less. I really didn't think it would be an issue.
I do wish that I had run it by the other parents involved before going ahead but only as I have found this quite stressful.

I just mostly don't think that I needed to be rudely called out on it. I have now spoken to parents of the non paying cohort this week suggesting that I may have made a bad judgement call. They have generously said 'not to worry about it' and implied that they would get the payment sorted. The other mother I have invited over to coffee to smoothe the waters. Let's see how that plays out.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions they have been very helpful and even made me smile!

[chorister]

Well done - sounds like your diplomatic talents are wasted .... if you can sort this out, perhaps you should have a go at North Korea!!

[Kirstie’s Mom]

Or at least Brexit