Do I ignore my husband's affairs to have the life I want? Post Reply

[despairingmum]

Hello
I'm a regular on NappyValleyNet but think best to write under a different name today.

I love my husband dearly, he is a great dad but throughout our marriage there have been a few indiscretions. I'm pretty sure that he has been seeing someone now, although he denies it using COVID as his alibi.

I'm so sad about his unfaithfulness and it makes me feel so worthless.

I hate to admit it but I look at all these perfect mums and families at the school gate and I just feel as though I don't belong. Do I keep on trying to get him change or turn a blind eye and put up with his unfaithfulness so that I can almost have the life I want.

Occasionally I feel as though I am strong enough to ask him to leave and then other days I feel I could never support myself and my children without his money?

Am I dreaming to think that he will change or is he always going to be unfaithful?

Thanks for reading, even writing this has helped.

[coffeepod]

Hi Despairing Mum
I am so sorry that you are going through this, I felt your sadness and wanted to reach out.
I haven't been in your situation but sadly have friends who have and I've witnessed their distress.

I'm not qualified in this are at all but my gut instinct tells me that most couples could  work through one indiscretion if they really wanted to and over time the wronged party could learn to forgive and move on but if it is repetitive I think that may be much harder.
 
You mention the life that you want? I wouldn't be so sure that everything is as it seems at the school gate, especially at the moment. 

Have you had a counselling? Either on your own or as a couple? That might be a good place to start?
I hope that others on this site might be able to offer better advice.


 

[juliantenniscoach]

I hope you resolve this issue but I would make one observation; no one is perfect.  Don't ever be fooled into that.  Good luck.

[Moonlightdawn]

Your post really struck me and saddened me greatly. You are not worthless. I bet you are a caring mum, a great friend, a loving wife and many other wonderful things.

Regarding the perceived domestic perfection displayed at the school gates, don't fall it. People put on a facade and hide behind masks. Just like social media: with the right filter and snappy status update, people project an image of a life far better than the one they authentically have. There's a lot of suffering out there - alcoholism, debt, childhood trauma, you name it, but it's all hidden under the surface.

Someone suggested counselling. My husband and I have been doing weekly counselling for the last two years. It has been a painful journey, but I believe counselling has saved our marriage. Although our marriage has not been plagued with infidelity, being able to speak to someone outside of our relationship has been a huge comfort and help.

I wish you luck. Sending you a big hug.

[Anon2020]

I’m so sorry to read this and agree with the other responses - I wouldn’t assume others are perfect and I also think this is likely to continue and your husband won’t change. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy.

Don’t assume that you won’t be able to manage financially either - if you were to divorce, you would be well looked after and you would get a good share of the assets and ongoing maintenance. It is worth speaking to a family law solicitor to understand what you would be entitled to - they will do this for free initially (in the hope that you would use them). The divorce process isn’t an easy one - especially if your husband puts up a fight - but it is worth it if you can get some independence from him and hopefully one day find true happiness. I would be happy to provide a recommendation of a firm if you want to message me...

But above all - don’t feel your worthless and don’t allow him to make you feel that way.

[OMumma]

Dear Despairing Mum,

I'm so sorry to read your post. I have walked this path and felt exactly the same way. I would be happy to connect and share my experience if it would be helpful to speak to someone who has been in your position. Please feel free to direct message me if you would like to connect x

[ceecee12]

I have two children and my ex husband was abusive it took 3 attempts and 5 years to leave. I had £200 a some clothes, my kids and my dignity. I am now 4 years on studying to begin university next year both kids at school and a house I rent which isn’t perfect. Communication is key whether you figure it or break up. Here to listen x

[boonkoh]

Don't worry about finances, if your husband is making good money and you both have good savings and assets, the courts are good in the UK about dividing fairly and will award you ongoing maintenance. A different story though if he's not really making much money though.

Several indiscretions suggest it's not a one off judgement in error. So you're right that if you keep turning a blind eye, it will keep coming.

[Vickiwh]

You suspect he is cheating on you and lying about it, not for the first time. The bond of trust has gone. I'd ask him to go to counselling with you to try and resolve this with a third party present. I'd also be checking your legal position around divorce and how to support children and yourself. I'm so sorry, it's a **** place to be put in.

[Anon45]

Like others I really felt for you reading this. Being in an unhappy marriage is hard enough at the best of times, but must be lonelier than ever right now. I agree with everything others have said. Here in “Nappy Valley” nothing is ever as it seems. Divorce is rare particularly in primarily school aged kids, probably for the very reasons you are experiencing. Nobody wants to break up their family and raise their children as a single parent, and the financial implications are overwhelming. A lot of people have found counselling life changing, myself included, while others find more destructive ways of coping with the loneliness and anxiety.
The Awareness Centre have some excellent counsellors.
But I’d also speak privately to a divorce lawyer so you know what the likely outcome would be financially. You may be surprised. If you have young children he has to support them, and my understanding from word of mouth is that fault is now taken into account by the Courts.
In my case my husband and I had stopped communicating, so counselling was able to help us. It can’t fundamentally change who we are, so we still struggle with those issues but understand them better. I’m afraid when it comes to serial infidelity he probably can’t change that either. And you deserve so much better than this, and to be happy. Not just for your own sake, but so your children grow up in an environment with healthy respectful relationships. You can still be a loving family who co-parent, and you can live the rest of your life much happier than you are now. I hope this helps and that you have friends you can talk to, as none of us know you or him. Take care.

[Jfromnorfolk]

Dear sad mum
Many years ago I was in your position- a husband who cheated all the time but I stuck with it while the kids were young - eventually he left for a much younger woman (to my relief!) - I was advised by a relative to stay in the relationship as once you go down the divorce alley money issues get tighter he will probably have another family and the cycle will start again! It was 20 years until I met my current husband, who is wonderful, - my children took president in those 20 years as they needed the support, guidance and love that they lost when their father left! In this current climate I would make sure you are well protected financially and your lifestyle will change once you divorce- in many ways financially, socially and emotionally. Try the counselling route but remember people don’t change and for some the chase is the excitement- if you decide to go it alone it could be very tough and make sure you have a strong network to support you. Good luck it’s a tough one to make but you are in the driving seat here and if you decide to stay don’t feel you have been weak as it will be a decision you have made for your family.
Best wishes x

[Anonymous125]

I am so sorry you are having a terrible time of it and I while I'm not qualified for giving advice I wanted to echo the other responses to say you definitely are not worthless. You sound like a very strong person who happens to be with someone who is not treating you as you deserve to be treated.

As someone living in a blended family, while not what we're told is the ideal, I would say that that it is FAR better than being in an unhappy relationship, both for the adults involved and the kids.

If you agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and you're not getting that (yet it's what you want) then you absolutely have the right to that and if he won't meet you there and it makes you feel terrible then you may well find that you are better off on your own.

Whether you decide to stay or not, by the sound of it you want (and definitely deserve) better so I would keep that at the front of your mind as you navigate this rather than focussing on him as a father etc. If you do leave, it doesn't mean that he won't continue to be a good father - in my case they stepped up significantly as they were required to when they were at his house and Mum wasn't around.

If you want to leave in your deepest heart of hearts (to use a cliché) then go. You will be doing yourself and your kids a big favour in the long run. Society pressures women into thinking that they can't or shouldn't go it alone but for those of us who do it, it really is a breath of fresh air (after a scary adjustment of course). You will be surprised how resilient you are, how freeing it is to be able to make your own decisions, re-establish who you are and what you want from life and to not be picking up after someone and holding the fort for them while they don't give as much back.

I really wish you all the best and so much happiness, which you absolutely deserve.

[Rsatterthwaite]

This is awful. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I had a different situation where my husband did something unforgivable (it wasn't cheating, but it was pretty awful and many would say worse). I had the similar reservations about wanting to keep my family together and financially it would have been be a big hit. I also didn't want my son to grow up in a spilt household. 2 years on we are happy and strong but I do worry that something could happen again. Sorry you're going through this, I can sympathise. 
Xx

[Sav]

I am actually seeing an amazing counsellor at the moment.
Please feel free to reach out if you would like her details.

Sav x

[WellbeingCentreLondon]

Others' lives seem perfect but most are not.

It might be worth talking to counsellor with whom you can confidentially talk about your problems and feelings and you can find a solution that is best for you. Or maybe you could even have a session with a couple's counsellor, if your husband is willing to give it a go? 

Have a look here, there are some really wonderful counsellors here. If you feel you would like to talk to a female counsellor, then you could talk to Lyn Thomson, Ali Gill  or Caroline Lazarus. Kasia Pachana is the couples counsellor, she works with both, individuals and couples, so she might be ideal for you. 
https://www.wellbeingcentrelondon.com/our-therapists/

Best of luck, you will get through this