how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

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swingsandroundabouts
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how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby swingsandroundabouts » Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:21 pm

My elderly mother has had a spate of being in and out of hospital since the start of the year. My brother refuses to get involved in anything to do with helping the situation. He seems to expect me to do everything, drop things at hospital, be there when she is discharged, organise practical things in her home etc. None of this I resent doing, she's my mother but I do feel that he should help, especially as I feel this we are in this for the long haul. We both have careers and young families to juggle.  He just bats things in my direction and plays the work card. He is generous, arrives with flowers, books etc. which of course my mother loves but how do I get him to share the load with out a big falling out which is not what either of my parents need at this stressful time.
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coffeepod
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Re: how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby coffeepod » Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:36 pm

Why do brothers think that it is a sisters job to do this work!!

I'd suggest getting together for coffee (when allowed)  to decide how best you are going to manage your mother's situation between you. Maybe send an email or text ahead of the actual meeting so that he knows what he will be expected to consider. Sounds a bit formal but to be honest I've had to do similar with my sister for other family reasons and it helped. Best of luck.
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Sw11247
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Re: how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby Sw11247 » Fri Mar 05, 2021 6:34 pm

It’s annoying, it also may be true that your brother may have less time though no fault of his own.

My brother pays for my parent’s cleaner to support their care in recognition that he is less able to give his time.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to write down what support is needed and discuss together how each of you can support either by doing it yourselves or arranging carers.
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saltandpepper
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Re: how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby saltandpepper » Sun Mar 07, 2021 7:57 pm

I feel your frustration. If you both have careers then you should be sharing the duties in my opinion. You mention 'parents' in your post. Would your dad be able to step in and suggest to your brother that he needs to do his bit. Not sure what the family dynamics are? 
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nsllee
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Re: how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby nsllee » Mon Mar 08, 2021 8:33 am

The next time he bats something in your direction, why not just bat it right back and say you're too busy right now, you did the last one and it's his turn? Possibly he thinks it's your job to do stuff because you always do it, so he thinks it's not a problem for you.
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Carol2R
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Re: how do i get my sibling to help with my ill mother?

Postby Carol2R » Mon Mar 08, 2021 8:55 am

Have the conversation; he needs to know how you feel and you need to know his view of the situation.  But in the end, if you always take care of everything, nothing will change.  As someone else suggested, when he bats something your way, let him know, "Sorry, I can't; you'll need to this time."
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