husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

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teaandcake
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husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby teaandcake » Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:39 pm

I would like to know if I am being unreasonable by asking my husband to stop drinking in the house whilst I get myself into a better place in terms of alcohol. He did originally agree but two weeks in he is now having an evening beer and it is making really hard for me not to join him.

He is generally very supportive but like me (increasingly) relies on a drink in the evening to unwind. He thinks that I am being extreme in wanting to stop drinking and after a conversation last night about the beer it seems that he pretty resentful of the request as he doesn't feel he has an issue and should be able to enjoy a beer when he finishes work.

Not sure if I am going to be able to get myself sorted on this basis and to be honest pretty upset that this is his stance. Am i asking too much? Would love some thoughts.
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Forgotmyusualusername
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby Forgotmyusualusername » Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:10 am

Hello! Yes, I’m sorry to say you are being completely unreasonable.

It’s great that you want to cut down on your alcohol intake, but you need to own that decision and not be reliant on others “helping” you. If your husband wants to drink beer that is his choice and if you don’t that is yours. It’s completely unfair of you to expect him to change his behaviour to suit something you have chosen to do.

Obviously in an ideal world he would choose to stop with you, but it’s his life, his body, and I suggest you give him a break and let him do what he wants.

Good luck! Ps check out sober Dave on Instagram for some really helpful tips (and lots of support)
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Dillydally
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby Dillydally » Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:54 am

I actually do not think you are being unreasonable. You are trying to change something harmful in your life. Your husband should do everything in his power to support you.
My husband is an excessive drinker and I would do anything at all if it meant he would stop. Unfortunately he doesn’t want to. At least you are taking steps to improve, but if he is an enabler then you may need to take steps to get away from that environment. I know it seems extreme but so are the effects of long term addiction.
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Needcoffeenow
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby Needcoffeenow » Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:13 am

So are you saying you liked to unwind with a beer but want to give up drinking altogether or have you sought help for a serious problem?
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Whatever
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby Whatever » Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:49 am

Well yes and no. I see your point, in wanting support from your husband, but ultimately giving up alcohol is something that you can only do for yourself. That said, if you can get support from like minded people then that will help enormously, but that doesn’t have to be your husband. Of course he can also show his support for you, and acknowledge what you’re doing without him having to stop drinking too - if he is not ready to do that himself.
Someone has already mentioned Soberdave on Instagram, he is a marvel and he can add you to a group chat where you can talk to others who have also just given up or have been sober for a while.
Lots of other stuff online/Instagram re the sober revolution, also if you’re a reader I would highly recommend Quit like a Woman by Holly Whitaker, The unexpected joy of being Sober byCatherine Gray, and Alcohol Explained by William Porter, that should get you going.
Instead of this time becoming about conflict with your husband as he’s not doing the same thing, try to embrace it as something wonderful and positive you are claiming for yourself. You’re not losing anything by giving up drinking but you are gaining so much - waking up without a hangover being only one small part. The longer you don’t drink, the more the benefits increase, both physically and mentally. Good luck to you, and would love to hear of your progress 😊
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Jojo007
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby Jojo007 » Mon Jun 14, 2021 8:01 am

Hi
I can completely relate to your situation… it is extremely hard but it’s fantastic that you have recognised you have a problem…. That is one major step. I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol for years and wanted to give up but just couldn’t! I even contemplated getting pregnant again so I couldn’t drink! … well it took scares for me to finally stop … I had a few withdrawal seizures… extremely scary! … it basically put everything into perspective… and while in hospital they helped me detox …. That was 4 years ago and I cannot stress the help of AA … a very supportive group … I found it slightly religious… but you can take from it what you need. I have had a few relapses but now I am 6 months sober and it feels fantastic! My husband still drinks in front of me but it doesn’t bother me anymore! … being sober can almost become like the addiction… addiction to feeling great both physically and mentally…. I really hope you get to the place you want to be … only you can do it … and as they say .. one day at a time …. If you want to message me there must be a way to message me direct
Wishing you all the best …. Believe you can do it … you’ll get there !!!! Xx
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dudette
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby dudette » Mon Jun 14, 2021 8:32 am

Is it the alcohol you find hard to give up or just the ritual of having a drink in the evening? If it’s the latter then why don’t you try and find an alcohol-free beer you like (even Doombar make one now) or a non-alcoholic spirit. Hayman’s, our local gin distillery does a fantastic gin called Small Gin which has five times the flavour of normal gin so you can use just a thimbleful for the full G and T experience (it is alcoholic but you used such a small amount you don’t feel it). I think if you could join your husband in an evening drink but just have something with low/no alcohol, you might feel a bit differently about him drinking.
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David Wilson
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby David Wilson » Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:32 pm

Hi, I would love to support you more with this so please send me a message on my instagram @soberdave. ☺️
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eibskee
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby eibskee » Tue Jun 15, 2021 10:24 am

If you think he’s being unreasonable, that’s what matters - he made a deal with you and he’s backtracked on it. I think this shows more about how much of a hold alcohol has on people, than your husband himself; and “Whatever” gives some great resources to read more about this - totally agree with Quit Like a Woman, and I read www.thealcoholexperiment.com which is also available to download for free because the author “doesn’t want the price of the book to stop anyone from quitting”. I also just followed someone’s suggestion to SoberDave and found he’d quoted drop_the_bottle_ which said “Sobriety is not about giving something up. It’s about taking everything back.” I think you could chat to your husband again and let him know that he’d agreed to it and that you feel he’s being unsupportive of your efforts. Perhaps set a 6 week time frame; Another friend used to go up the road to the wine bar and have her glass of wine there when her husband was back from rehab - I always found it odd she didn’t quit alongside but, that’s the powerful pull of alcohol.

But yes, make this about you - I used to have a seedlip as my alcohol replacement but now don’t bother with anything - I no longer need the ritual. I read The Alcohol Experiment and wondered why anyone ever puts ethanol in their body - seems like a no brainer not to drink, but it’s pervasive in our society. There’s NOTHING good about alcohol in our bodies. I’ve had breast cancer - which I’m now sure in part was because of alcohol consumption. We all eat well, exercise but then drink, it makes no sense once you see it. Grab some of the books people have recommended in this thread and read up on alcohol - it should be required as part of school education. You’re doing well - keep going.
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teaandcake
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby teaandcake » Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:24 pm

Thanks so much everyone for all of your helpful replies. I actually shared them with my husband and that has helped enormously. Mostly, I don't think he appreciated how much I wanted to get control of my drinking. He has now agreed to not drink at home for a while until I get to a place where I feel I won't lose it if I see him enjoying a beer. 
Thanks for the AA, big red flag, I didn't think that it applied to me and for the sober dave rec too. In general thank you for all of your helpful replies and for not judging. Was in need of some support and you have given it, means the world.
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eibskee
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Re: husband won't not drink at home to help me give up alcohol

Postby eibskee » Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:36 pm

Communication is everything, well done for discussing this with your husband further.  I highly recommend reading some of the books - it should help clarify all your reasons for slowing or stopping alcohol consumption.
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