very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

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peanutbutterontoast
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very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby peanutbutterontoast » Fri Oct 29, 2021 11:23 am

Would anyone be happy to share how they manage the chores with their other half? My husband has always been messy but my post covid return to the office seems to have made me all the more aware of how bad it is. Our cleaner comes twice a week but in a matter of hours it looks like we've been burgled. I am aware that time is more pressured with us commuting again etc. but it is starting to cause some huge arguments and to be honest I think he needs to do better. I hate men bashing but would love some advice. 
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messyme2
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby messyme2 » Fri Oct 29, 2021 11:55 am

perhaps we should swap. you sound like my husband. I'm not allowed into the kitchen after his cleaned up.
no advice.
but as the one that gets moaned at - please go easy on us.
we don't see the mess
we focus on one thing at a time
and just can't multi task.
so if I'm going out - I can only focus on that task of getting out the door - and will just drop everything on the floor thats not related to getting out the door. I feel stressed about getting out the door - so cleaning as I go would cause a melt down.
we are not lazy
our brains work differently
my husband says our next house he will have his own living area.
having labels where things go definitely helps me
(injured finger hence no caps)
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dudette
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby dudette » Mon Nov 01, 2021 7:43 am

I’m with messyme2. I have been serially untidy my whole life although paradoxically I hate mess. It is definitely the way our brains work - I can put things away Ok but if a room reaches a tipping point I feel a sense of being overwhelmed and don’t know how to organise it. Also I’m not very good at tidying up as I go. The kitchen looks like a disaster area after I’ve finished in it. So I would back off your husband’s case straight away. There is no point having arguments because he will never be able to become suddenly tidy. The best solution and the one that works for us is to get more help. Can you get your cleaner to come in every day for a couple of hours so at least things don’t get too out of hand? Failing that I suggest you let him have an area of the house which is a no-go zone for you and where he can be messy to his heart’s content. If he can use this place to dump all his stuff then hopefully the rest of the house will stay tidier. Any stuff oh his you find lying around you can just put in his room. But getting cross with him won’t make any difference other than harming your marriage.
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Rsatterthwaite
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby Rsatterthwaite » Mon Nov 01, 2021 8:04 am

I’ve had the same problem and I learnt it’s not fair to harass him (well not overly) and to just tidy up mess by myself 🤷🏼‍♀️ It was just causing friction in our marriage so I took the view it I want something done I need to do it myself. He has managed to agree to make the bed every morning though 🙋🏼‍♀️
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Vicki W
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby Vicki W » Mon Nov 01, 2021 9:12 am

Maybe go to counselling? He seems not to understand his behaviour is causing you massive stress. Is he massively untidy/disorganised at work? Or does he think that being female, its your job to look after him? Its not man bashing to want to be treated as an equal in your own home and if this is really upsetting you, it appears that he's not adjusting to your need for a tidy home.  There should be an element of compromise in all relationships, so maybe counselling would give you a person to help you find the middle ground with him.
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NVNV
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby NVNV » Mon Nov 01, 2021 12:01 pm

I feel for you. My husband is quite messy. I’m not sure it’s a mental inability as much as he doesn’t care about it as much as I do. I’m not a clean freak either I just like order, and care more about interior design than he does. I’ve repeatedly said how much it annoys me - and let him say what I do that annoys him (leave used contact lenses by the sink and tissues that I intend to reuse). When I do the thing that annoys him I use it as an opportunity to make my point. I’ll always be tidier but that’s because I’ve had decades of training that he hasn’t (his mum’s a massive tidier. Mine isn’t). However, it doesn’t make it impossible to share more of the load. Now when the house is a tip we tidy together. Plus he does way more laundry than he used to (possibly more than me) as I voiced how much that endless chore pissed me off. I think the key for us was both understanding it’s an issue of respect. If someone repeatedly says something upsets them, it’s a problem if the behaviour continues unchanged. I don’t really buy the whole ‘I’m not made that way, drop it’ defence as we’re all clever grownups with elastic brains and we (mostly) manage to learn the things that we want to learn. Eg I don’t really care about lateness. It realllllly upsets my husband so I’m learning to allow more time, and pack in fewer jobs, in order to improve my punctuality. It’s a process, I’ll never be like him but I can respect his requests and try. Again, my mum is always late, his dad is always insanely early - I think much of it is learned behaviour and to an extent can be relearned if we really try. However, a desire to change is necessary! Oh and ps, my husband started to do more laundry when I quietly stopped doing so much. Often we get away with what we can get away with until the consequences are serious enough to affect us. Good luck! Don’t give up. As Vicki W said above, compromise is essential. When it’s just one person sacrificing all the time the problems will air themselves in other ways - like voting with your feet!
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Moonlightdawn
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby Moonlightdawn » Mon Nov 01, 2021 3:38 pm

Hi

I can relate to this in many ways as I’m like your husband! I’ve battled messiness my whole entire life. Clutter and mess are comforting to me. My ideal of hell would be a minimalist home, for instance. Whereas for my husband, clutter represents chaos and stress. Two very different brains and not a lot of harmony at times.

We ended up seeking couples therapy to address this issue amongst others. It was causing so much strife between us, leading to horrible rows.

The counselling has certainly helped. We understand each other better and our trigger points. On my side I set myself five minutes to do a quick tidy up at the end of the day. On his side, he has tried to let go of his expectations. It’s taken a lot of work and commitment though to reach this point.

I know living with a messy person can feel intolerable at times. We don’t mean to be thoughtless or selfish though. Most us are oblivious to the mess.
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Astolat
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby Astolat » Mon Nov 01, 2021 4:43 pm

There's an interesting blog post from about 5 years ago She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink | Must Be This Tall To Ride

It's very insightful into both sides.  Basically as people have said, messy folks don't care about mess so don't understand why you do, as has been amply shown on this thread, they want you to see their point of view.

The insight the guy who wrote the blog above got to was that it's about respect.  You don't have to care about the mess, but if you care about your other half you should respect them enough to do something about it.  

Only you can know if you are being a bit intolerant of a difference in personality or there is no meeting half way that is respectful of your need for order and more importantly your role as not having to tidy up after another adult.  

 
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ronangel
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows? Magic coffee table answer?

Postby ronangel » Thu Nov 04, 2021 6:10 am

Maybe you need a magic coffee table!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGv ... dex=1&t=8s
 
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Beachboys
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Re: very messy husband starting to cause huge rows

Postby Beachboys » Mon Nov 08, 2021 9:58 am

I sympathise. My husband is incredibly messy and I hate disorder. To be fair to him, I knew this from the very start -- his university digs were appalling but in the flush of young love it didn't matter then!

We have, as other posters have said, learnt to compromise. I refuse to pick up after him, so only clothes that are in the laundry basket get washed. (The rest stay in a mangled heap on his side of the room and I turn a blind eye.) I have a small tray in the kitchen where I chuck all the stuff that gets strewn over the breakfast bar, like his keys and wallet. Clothes left in the living room are swept up and dumped in the abovementioned mangled heap. 

He chips in with other chores like making the bed, stacking the dishwasher, raking the leaves and driving the kids to their fixtures.

It's not perfect but we get by. Good luck, and do send a pm if you want to have a good moan! 
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