Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

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grapefruit gin
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Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby grapefruit gin » Fri Jul 29, 2022 12:03 pm

Wondering if there is anything I can do here?
I seem to host a LOT of playdates, pick up and drop a LOT of children for various things and yet I have already bumped into 2 different groups of my daughters friends mid playdate which were to be followed by teas or sleepovers but my daughter wasn't invited? The irony is that all of these children have been or will be coming to our house / things with me in the next week or so.
I feel a bit taken for a ride and my daughter has picked up on it and is very upset. 
It is quite distressing. She has just finished yr 5. Is there anything that I can or should do?
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Batterseamummy
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby Batterseamummy » Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:49 am

Hi grapefruit gin

I am in exactly the same situation as you - my daughter also has just finished yr 5 and is always the one doing the inviting and I’m always helping friends out but invitations from her friends have totally dried up. My heart breaks for her as she, like your daughter, is so hospitable and kind (not being biased either!) and has noticed and can’t understand why she wants to see her friends but they don’t seem as keen to see her.

Speaking to friends with older girls they tell me yr 5 and 6 is often a time when friendships change and new ones are made so I’m hoping it’s just a transition phase. But I also wonder if it’s the kind girls, who don’t try to be mean to be cool or try to control others, who are the ones who suffer as other girls aren’t ‘trying’ to make them like them.

Perhaps anyone with older girls will be able to shed light on it all for us?!
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Needcoffeenow
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby Needcoffeenow » Mon Aug 01, 2022 8:13 am

As you say, heartbreaking. And girls put so much emphasis on friends and can be so unpleasant about it! a) The school should help shed a light on this. Our kids (at state primary) went through various friendship issues and the school was very helpful, at the very least talking to us about what was going on and making positive suggestions. They also had Friendship Groups within each tutor group whose purpose was basically to be kind to each other, which helped a lot. b) As I’m sure others will say, meanwhile try extending your daughter’s social contacts to children at other schools via clubs, activities, through neighbours etc. This will boost her confidence too. c) Maybe just say to some of the mums when you drop their daughters off that you know yours would love to come back for a playdate and that (whichever evenings) are best? One of my cousins in a similar situation used to whip out her diary at this point although I suspect this was a little counter-productive!
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Guest
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby Guest » Mon Aug 01, 2022 8:33 am

Hi, I have two secondary age girls and I would suggest to just play it all down, so yourself and your daughter. Stay upbeat and try not to make a big deal of it. The mysteries of these things are mysterious indeed and it’s impossible to ever try understand all the dynamics.
I’d also get more discerning about who you help out. If your gut is telling you the level of reciprocity or authenticity isn’t right, just casually extricate yourself!
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Vicki W
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby Vicki W » Mon Aug 01, 2022 10:37 am

I would ask the parent who's hosting the playdate if there's any reason why your child isn't being invited? I'd try and keep it as a gentle enquiry, explain that its upsetting to your child and see what they say.  A large amount of people in the 'you do you' culture don't understand that support should be mutual.  My mum used to tell me not to accept drinks that you weren't prepared to buy back as it made you a leech, but many people haven't been taught this basic rule of pulling your weight in a friendship.
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Groovybaby
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby Groovybaby » Mon Aug 08, 2022 10:07 am

My daughter (now year 8) went through exactly the same thing and now looking back I see it had alot to do with the mums (particularly those with older siblings who all knew each other and had found a comfortable dynamic). I played it down with my daughter and she eventually found friendships in year 6 with other girls who had also been excluded from the clique and these friendships have lasted into secondary school despite being at different schools. The kids ultimately decide where their friendships lie and knowing that there are those friends who are “takers” and who don’t reciprocate will help her see that they aren’t her people. If you arm your daughter with that knowledge now, she’ll breeze the friendship stuff at secondary school, in my opinion. I’d not bring it up with parents. If you’re having to raise it and the parents haven’t had the sensitivity to address the imbalance in hosting then they definitely are not your tribe. It’s tough but ride it out. Your daughter will be so much more resilient and will be able to identify better friends in secondary school.
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dinosaur
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Re: Daughter left out of playdates despite us being very hospitable

Postby dinosaur » Tue Aug 09, 2022 5:43 pm

I absolutely agree with everything Groovybaby has said. These issues tend to disappear at secondary school when the children rebel against friendships curated by insecure mums protective of their clique. You are actually quite lucky to be on the outside as life on the inside of an insecure mum friendship clique is a vacuous rollercoaster.

It's quite common in this area and some schools are better than others at supporting the resulting friendship issues in a positive way. As others have said, it is best to play it down and please do not think for any moment that it is happening because you are doing something wrong. As someone already said - these incidences happen because someone else is lacking in social skills. 

I know it can be so distressing for you and your daughter, but please know that her resilience and sense of self-identity are being developed healthily whereas those in the friendship clique will struggle later.


 
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