My mother cut my daughters hair without my permission 2022 Post Reply

[rsmith13]

<Post edited for clarity - the user in this post was actually replying to an old thread so I split the recent posts and created a new thread. The original post was about a grandmother cutting their granddaughter's hair without permission>

I know this post is from 6 years ago, but I’m struggling with a similar situation. My mother in law watched my daughters this past weekend and when she dropped them off she had cut their hair. I just can’t get over it, I’m so angry and sad. I hadn’t touched my two year olds hair yet. It was just finally long enough for me to be able to fix it. I am completely heartbroken that I’ll never be the one who cut her hair first. I didn’t get her hair from her first cut either. My husband did call her and tell
her to never do it again. I wish I could just tell her I can’t stand her now and never want to see her again. Unfortunately I’m going to have to fake my way through the holidays, but she isn’t going to be getting much alone time with my kids anymore.
So, since you’ve had some time did you eventually get over it? I don’t want to hang on to this anger forever, but every time I look at my daughters’ hair I get so angry.

[chorister]

Meanwhile in the real world climate change means it’s a day like September in mid November - which might warn you that you and your daughter face far bigger challenges than who cuts whose hair.

[dachshundvalley]

Hi @rsmith13
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this.
It is a really traumatic situation - ignore the idiot who replied about climate change (why even reply if you’re not being helpful?!).
It took a while and a lot of talks for my mum and I to get back to “normal” and it definitely changed our relationship. I realised I never asked her to babysit anymore, that the trust was gone. We realised we had a boundary issue - so she over stepped it massively and sees now she did wrong.
I totally understand looking at the new haircut, it upset me so much too as it was always a reminder. It does grow though, and there really isn’t anything you can do now.
Your husband needs to make sure his parents know how wrong it was and to never do anything like this again.
If I were you I’d even say something myself. I couldn’t be fake and friendly when I’m feeling rage inside.
Good luck and again I’m sorry this has happened to you x

[chorister]

@dachshundvalley - you are quite right to rebuke me - but honestly, it does seem a bit of a first world problem.

[dachshundvalley]

No one is saying anything about it not being but why try and belittle something that means nothing to you but a lot to someone else. Why are you even on here - if you had even read the comments and had an ounce of sensitivity you would understand that what you’re commenting is such a waste of time.

[muddyboots]

You are completely justified in your outrage and anger.
However, this should be an opportunity to set boundaries not to destroy such an important relationship.

Both as your mother and grand mother.

Let the dust settle, let her know how much she upset you and make sure no repeats going forward disrespecting your parental wishes.

Please just don’t ruin the relationship over this.

[Annabel (admin)]

@chorister and @dachshundvalley you are both very important members of the site. I love that you have both contributed to this post but please can I ask that you are civil towards each other going forward.

Much appreciated

A x

[chorister]

@Annabel - no problem, I’ve already said it was OK to rebuke me. I do though think some of the things that people manage to wreck relationships over very strange.

[Pigeon1]

I agree…. And telling someone they have to “grieve” a haircut is a tad mental! Yes, your mother overstepped but you have a mother who is engaged and wanting to be a part of yours and your daughter’s life. Your daughter is healthy and beautiful and strong. Why don’t we leave the ‘grieving’ to those who maybe don’t have those mothers, or who really did miss genuine milestones with their children. I am in both those boxes and so I’m not being unsympathetic but just reminding you to focus on the good stuff! I’m not saying it wasn’t a big deal to you both, it obviously was, but good lord don’t break up a family relationship because of it- look at the bigger picture!

[sgmitch]

Hi - I had to reply to this because this happened to me. My parents dropped me at my grandmother's for a matter of minutes and when they came back my hair was shorter and looked horrific (she cut it herself without even asking). My mother was especially horrified. I feel your pain and I'm very sorry. The only thing I can tell you in our situation is that it has been a story that we have all discussed often enough that it has almost become funny in our family (and I don't even remember it). Why would someone do this? What a strange thing to do, etc.? Now as a father I see all kinds of strange things that grandparents do, overstep boundaries etc. Although they love their grandchildren immensly. Maybe they just want to participate in some way. One day we will be the grandparents and will surely do something ridiculous. I hope that after some time you are able to find some peace regarding this because it would be a shame to damage the relationship.

[Batterseamomma82]

I wholly understand this, I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this. In my opinion it’s less about the haircut but that she over stepped on something that was personal to you. We have a similar issue with my mother-in-law. She was so desperate to be the first to meet our child, she pulled my husband out of sitting by our child in special care, whilst I was in a seperate recovery ward to see and hold our daughter, even if that was before me. I’ve found that being honest and setting boundaries helps. Eg, she can come to these types of “firsts” but it’s our choice to do it. I do often remind her that she’s had her firsts already and she must let us experience it too.

[NoodleFan]

I wonder what you’d feel if it was your own mother - you’d possibly be able to shout and rant and get over it, but because it’s your MIL it’s quite tricky.. As someone else suggested maybe speak to her - you probably won’t get closure from your husband having a quick word.

[eb949013]

It's a boundary that she should not have crossed, you are the parents and it's not her place to take these decisions upon herself - grandparents can be terrible with accepting they have to take the backseat now. It's so awkward but you and hubby need to address it with her clearly so she doesn't do similar things again.

[MagnoliaMum]

I can understand why you're upset, but I think you need to take a deep breath here and try to see the bigger picture. I can't believe this was a malicious act by your MIL done deliberately to upset you; she was probably just meaning to be helpful or responded to something one of your kids said. She may not have realised it was your youngest's first haircut or the huge significance of that to you. 

It is really important not to let something like this destroy your relationship with your in-laws. You mention upcoming holidays but there will be numerous other times your husband will want you all to spend time with his parents too - and if you don't or you resent it, this will put pressure on your marriage. Your in-laws are prepared to look after your kids - that's actually a good thing and you may be very grateful for that in the future, however you feel now. 

I lost my mum unexpectedly when my kids were little and my dad proved useless at any practical help, so I have been indebted to my parents in law for providing help with my kids, both planned and in emergency circumstances. My mother in law has a different approach to me (huge amounts of sweet treats) and has sometimes got it horribly wrong (notably once letting my kids open their Xmas stockings without me there, which I had bought and wrapped!), but I have realised it all comes from a place of love and she means well. It doesn't have to be a competition between us for control (I'm the outright winner there for 99% of the time just by being the mum) and the kids benefit enormously by having interested and involved grandparents.

So please don't let yourself be poisoned against her forever over what was probably a misunderstanding and something that may possibly feel quite insignificant later on, hundreds of haircuts later. It really isn't worth it, in my view. See if you can forgive her and move on, for the sake of peace all round, not least your own.

[dudette]

What utterly bizarre behaviour by your mother-in-law and I have to agree I’d be mighty angry if it had happened to me. I also have to agree with the others though that you should try and maintain a relationship with her, if only because you can make use of her. My mum died when my kids were very little (my son was a baby) and as my dad had already died I only had my in-laws, who had little interest in the kids and were pretty useless. It was quite hard not having anyone I could rely on - I ended up just paying for nannies if I needed someone. I have maintained a good relationship with my in-laws but I do feel quite resentful. Our kids both had their first haircuts at Trotters. They are now 16 and 18 and somewhere in a box somewhere is a certificate with a lock of their hair but I haven’t looked at them since we put them away and if they’re lost it’s not really a big deal. Your daughter’s hair will grow back and if you want to cut it next time you can make that an event in itself.