Postby yellowrose20 » Mon Mar 06, 2023 10:15 am
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I don’t usually respond to posts but I felt I should this time.
If you are sure he’s cheating then do gather evidence where you can. He will probably deny it. His motivation is excitement and power rather than anything you are or aren’t doing in your marriage. So don’t blame yourself and you deserve better. I am of the belief you should leave but everyone’s situation is different and ultimately you need to do what you feel is right for you.
You mentioned he cheated before, how did you move on from that last time?
Here are your options as I see them;
You could just carry on as you are and do nothing.
Or confront him and offer to do some some couples counselling/have the last chance talk
Or agree to an open marriage where you are both free to have relationships (he probably won’t like this one)
Or end the marriage and move on
Your husband provides for you but as others have said, he will still legally have to provide for you and your children after you split so don’t let that hold you back if ending your marriage is what you want. He probably knows this which is why he doesn’t want a divorce as it will be expensive for him. But you need good legal advice.
I’ve been divorced for 10 years now so I have survived this process. It wasn’t easy, my daughter was 2, we had been together 17 years, married for 11. I was scared and didn’t know where to start as no one I knew had been divorced, but I had the support of a few family members and a few good friends. You can move on if you really want to. You are not trapped, but there will be a lot of hurdles along the way.
Having been in your situation, leaving my ex was the best thing I could have done. My self-esteem was low trying to second guess him and how I could make things better. I was depressed and withdrawn from my friends as I felt I couldn’t tell them about my unhappiness and I was worried it would show on my face.
But ultimately I couldn’t fix things. I dragged him to couples counselling. He didn’t engage with it. My ‘final straw’ moment came and I did it. I ended it. I eventually found out from him “I haven’t loved you in years”, so it was nice to know that all my time and effort had been worth it!! I should have moved on sooner.
As others have said, cheating is a huge problem in marriages so don’t worry about seeing happy families. My ex used to put on a ‘happy marriage’ act in front of people but behind closed doors it was a different matter. Many people I know have gone on to get divorced and asked me for advice as they were not as happy as they seemed either.
Now, I am in a happy, non-toxic relationship of 9 years. He’s also a divorcee and we have 3 kids between us. I’m the happiest I’ve been in my entire life.
Sending you virtual hugs and strength in whatever you decide. Look after yourself x