Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

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beaujolais
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Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby beaujolais » Fri Mar 03, 2023 9:25 am

Hello
I'm a regular on here but I'm writing under a different account today.

My husband was unfaithful nearly 10 years ago and now I am pretty certain he is being unfaithful again although he denies it.
I feel constantly wretched and so inadequate, made worse by the perfect families I seem to be surrounded by. My issue is that he is the main breadwinner and he provides a lovely life for my family. Do I accept that I can almost have it all and put up with his unfaithfulness, or walk away? Some days, when I'm feeling angry I think that I can go it alone and then other days I feel I should get real as I could never support myself and my children without his money?

Do these things ever sort themselves out or is he always going to be unfaithful?

Sorry for the depressing early morning post.
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waltzer
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby waltzer » Fri Mar 03, 2023 1:17 pm

I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. To answer your question directly no I don't think that they change. I think that anyone can mess up once but if it is the second time I don't think that he will and you will send your life worrying where he is and what he up to. I would say that you shouldn't put up with it but that is my view others may think differently. Get your best friends and family around you and make a plan, the money isn't everything, not in the long run.
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muddyboots
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby muddyboots » Sat Mar 04, 2023 6:29 pm

I’m sorry you are feeling inadequate and sad, what he’s doing is a reflection of him and not you. Remember that.

He might be the main bread winner, but don’t forget in a divorce he will need to settle 50/50 with you.
And you will need to get two places to live in where children can be comfortable so it’s not as if you will move into a shed and he stays in the house.
Both parties will end up losing out normally unless you can afford two lovely houses.

I would confront him properly and also gather evidence if he won’t be honest.

The prospect of divorce is extremely unsettling and scary, but you need to think about what life means if you settle with feeling unloved and inadequate.
The children will grow up and then you will perhaps wish you were brave enough to give yourself a chance at happiness.

Do you think he will wilfully carry on disrespecting you or is there a chance of saving the marriage?

I would confront him, tell him exactly how you feel. Demand change and take it from there.
If he’s willing to save the marriage, give him one last chance and remind him exactly what is at risk.
Perhaps he’s convinced himself he can do what he wants and you will never stand up to him.
This is if you can forgive him of course.
If not, it’s never going to work.

Good luck and don’t forget the happy families you see might not be all that happy. People tend to put a mask on and play happy even when things are bad.

Don’t forget who you are, you are not the person he’s made you feel like. Start doing things for yourself, try not to let this eat you up.
Confront him and let it be known what you expect and decide the outcome.
Take control of the situation, you don’t need to be his victim.
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2 pence
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby 2 pence » Sun Mar 05, 2023 10:06 am

Unfortunately, the percentage of people who cheat within their marriage is huge; whilst outwardly everyone else’s marriage looks perfect please know that you aren’t alone here.

If you can, I’d recommend finding a detective to help you it may put your mind at ease or if he is cheating and you do divorce it will provide proof of indefinitely.

You may also wish to quietly meet with a lawyer to understand your options if you do divorce.

I’d also recommend channeling energy into yourself, build some new friendships outside of your marriage to ensure that if things do come apart you already have an independent life to jump into.

Seeking therapy yourself will also help you to work through your feelings and to decide if infidelity is something you can live with.
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SWtastic
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby SWtastic » Mon Mar 06, 2023 10:09 am

Some good advice ^^

Get legal advice.  In the meantime, gather all evidence about your finances etc.

You could stay and continue you life as it is but what kind of a life would that be?  All the best.
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yellowrose20
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby yellowrose20 » Mon Mar 06, 2023 10:15 am

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I don’t usually respond to posts but I felt I should this time.

If you are sure he’s cheating then do gather evidence where you can. He will probably deny it. His motivation is excitement and power rather than anything you are or aren’t doing in your marriage. So don’t blame yourself and you deserve better. I am of the belief you should leave but everyone’s situation is different and ultimately you need to do what you feel is right for you.

You mentioned he cheated before, how did you move on from that last time?

Here are your options as I see them;
You could just carry on as you are and do nothing.
Or confront him and offer to do some some couples counselling/have the last chance talk
Or agree to an open marriage where you are both free to have relationships (he probably won’t like this one)
Or end the marriage and move on


Your husband provides for you but as others have said, he will still legally have to provide for you and your children after you split so don’t let that hold you back if ending your marriage is what you want. He probably knows this which is why he doesn’t want a divorce as it will be expensive for him. But you need good legal advice.

I’ve been divorced for 10 years now so I have survived this process. It wasn’t easy, my daughter was 2, we had been together 17 years, married for 11. I was scared and didn’t know where to start as no one I knew had been divorced, but I had the support of a few family members and a few good friends. You can move on if you really want to. You are not trapped, but there will be a lot of hurdles along the way.

Having been in your situation, leaving my ex was the best thing I could have done. My self-esteem was low trying to second guess him and how I could make things better. I was depressed and withdrawn from my friends as I felt I couldn’t tell them about my unhappiness and I was worried it would show on my face.

But ultimately I couldn’t fix things. I dragged him to couples counselling. He didn’t engage with it. My ‘final straw’ moment came and I did it. I ended it. I eventually found out from him “I haven’t loved you in years”, so it was nice to know that all my time and effort had been worth it!! I should have moved on sooner.

As others have said, cheating is a huge problem in marriages so don’t worry about seeing happy families. My ex used to put on a ‘happy marriage’ act in front of people but behind closed doors it was a different matter. Many people I know have gone on to get divorced and asked me for advice as they were not as happy as they seemed either.

Now, I am in a happy, non-toxic relationship of 9 years. He’s also a divorcee and we have 3 kids between us. I’m the happiest I’ve been in my entire life.

Sending you virtual hugs and strength in whatever you decide. Look after yourself x
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Kirstie’s Mom
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Kirstie’s Mom » Mon Mar 06, 2023 12:37 pm

This is a tough thing to go through and I am so sorry . your self esteem and example to your children is very important and by staying I can’t this isn’t happening . A few things to note :
- divorce is usually 50/50 split . You will be able to stay in your family home until the children are I think 18 , maybe older . Your life style won’t change except maybe a few less holidays but do you really want to go on a holiday with a serial philanderer ?
- divorce is hell but everyone I know who has been through it are in a much better place than they were . Their lives have improved immensely . I don’t know anyone who has regretted the decision.
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Clapham
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Clapham » Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:32 pm

I don't have any personal knowledge to add to this but I don't see that the OP would necessarily definitely be able to stay in the family home. Surely there would need to be 2 homes purchased and I would have thought for most people, that means smaller homes? I just wouldn't want the OP to make a decision on the basis of information that might not be correct. It sounds like an initial chat with a solicitor is needed and personally, I would employ a private investigator (if such people actually exist) to try to find out whether you might be worrying about nothing. It's a very hard decision and I feel for you. I expect things can work out either way although both will involve hardship and compromise and you need to work out what is best for you.
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Realist2007
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Realist2007 » Mon Mar 13, 2023 6:06 am

I honestly believe the old saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I am happily divorced. My ex husband cheated, but there other reasons for the divorce, the cheating (which he denied) was icing on the cake. He’s now behaving exactly the same way with his new partner and my child reports the same arguments between them. They fight over his behaviour with another woman too.

I think some men are hard wired to be loyal and faithful. Others feel entitled to do as please, regardless of wives, children and commitments they have made. People don’t change, especially because others want them to. I also think some men take forgiveness as permission. Ie., She forgave me once, I can get away with this again.

I think it comes down to what you can live with. Please don’t think that the happy families you see don’t have their own very real issues, some of which are infidelity. As others have said, plenty put on a mask.
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Onlyboys2
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Onlyboys2 » Mon Mar 13, 2023 12:42 pm

I'm really sorry to read this, I won't try to judge your situation but I think sometimes it helps to hear someone else's story... This sounds very similar to my life a few years ago except that it was only 3 years between affairs.

During that time I nearly went mad with suspicion, not knowing whether to trust that he was where he said he was. Not knowing if it would happen again, not knowing whether I was enough, physically attractive enough or interesting enough or even worth loving. Looking back I had no idea how low my self esteem had sunk until a few months after it was over. 

The immediate stress and panic of your marriage ending and the uncertainty of what comes next is overwhelming but from my experience once a bit of time had passed I just felt relief. I had lived as a nervous wreck for 3 years. 

It is hard being alone and I don't have family in the UK to help me but even on the toughest days I know I am better off than in a marriage without trust and respect. I too had a very nice, privileged life before and it's not bad now. It's richer in other ways and I am happy enough. 

I'd be really happy to chat if you'd like to message me. The proof is the tricky part but our instincts are, I believe, usually right. 
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Susie2468
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Susie2468 » Mon Mar 20, 2023 7:47 am

I am so sorry you are suffering this.

Please look up Retrouvaille.
We did this and wished we had done it years ago. Couple to couple coaching. Ours included a couple who have suffered infidelity and overcome it to have truly growing loving communicating marriage. Even presenting a part of this course together!

This is great especailly for men to hear men speak too.

Do not give up on happiness. Treasure awaits.
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Susie2468
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Susie2468 » Mon Mar 20, 2023 7:56 am

I would add that the couples presenting the course have tried other help previously. But this is the only thing that worked for them. There is a requested donation of £150 but genuine cases who cannot afford that are never refused on those grounds. We were considering marriage counselling but it was £50 per session. So this is an absolute steal. It's run by volunteers. It's not a commercial venture. It is Catholic but all are welcome. People attend whether they have another faith or no faith.

A Lifeline for Troubled Marriages
Retrouvaille is the name of a programme designed to help heal and renew marriages. The word "Retrouvaille" simply means "rediscovery". The programme offers the chance to rediscover yourself, your partner, and a loving relationship in your marriage.

Help is Available!
If your marriage needs re-focusing, please call us. Help is available. If you and your partner want your marriage to work and are willing to put in your best efforts, then we invite you, even urge you, to attend. If you are thinking of separation, divorce or you are already separated, but want to try again, then we believe Retrouvaille can help. If you know of a couple who might need help, please tell them about Retrouvaille and encourage them to contact us. They are probably desperately looking for help and don't know where to turn to find it.
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Susie2468
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Susie2468 » Mon Mar 20, 2023 7:56 am

I would add that the couples presenting the course have tried other help previously. But this is the only thing that worked for them. There is a requested donation of £150 but genuine cases who cannot afford that are never refused on those grounds. We were considering marriage counselling but it was £50 per session. So this is an absolute steal. It's run by volunteers. It's not a commercial venture. It is Catholic but all are welcome. People attend whether they have another faith or no faith.

A Lifeline for Troubled Marriages
Retrouvaille is the name of a programme designed to help heal and renew marriages. The word "Retrouvaille" simply means "rediscovery". The programme offers the chance to rediscover yourself, your partner, and a loving relationship in your marriage.

Help is Available!
If your marriage needs re-focusing, please call us. Help is available. If you and your partner want your marriage to work and are willing to put in your best efforts, then we invite you, even urge you, to attend. If you are thinking of separation, divorce or you are already separated, but want to try again, then we believe Retrouvaille can help. If you know of a couple who might need help, please tell them about Retrouvaille and encourage them to contact us. They are probably desperately looking for help and don't know where to turn to find it.
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Susie2468
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby Susie2468 » Mon Mar 20, 2023 8:05 am

One last point To participate in Retrouvaille any involvement of a "third party" must be ended. That is a question your husband will have to answer first. Noone is recommending that ongoing infidelity is acceptable. And if he is telling the truth it is perfectly understandable that you both need to work on regaining mutual trust.
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dhcwong
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Re: Think my husband is being unfaithful for second time

Postby dhcwong » Thu Apr 27, 2023 1:42 pm

Whenever i think about cheating husbands I think about Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon Ozbourne. She stuck by him forever and is with him still. He probably doesn't cheat anymore (or can't haha). Is she happy? Was it worth it? Their recent interview showed that they supported each other through their exciting life journeys and no groupie was ever going to be take her place. 

People cheat all the time. Is it worse for a husband to cheat on you with work (cancelling everything, going on long trips, being disconnected at the dinner table and then running away to the study after dinner to leave you with everything), OR have a husband who has sex with someone because he couldn't control himself and then gives you all the love and attention you crave? 

Every family is different, I suppose in the long run, these infidelities pale after 40 years if the partner supports you fully through a cancer diagnosis or a death in the family. There is so much pain in infidelity, but there is so much pain elsewhere as well. 

I'm not sure about giving advice, but if you love him so much, and he loves you (he just craved excitment, somethig different/midlife crisis/realisation that he is going to die soon and hasn't had a threesome), then there might be something to save. If looking at him disgusts you, then you know what to do! 

I am basically cynical, I cannot believe that anyone can be faithful in all circumstances (put me on a long filming schedule with Ryan Gosling in character as someone who loves me ) and i will probably fail. The solution is not to put ourselves in any tempting situation. Some of us are lucky that we can achieve this.   

Good luck

 
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