Stepdaughter hates me and I am starting to resent her coming. How do we navigate? Post Reply

[choc mint chip]

Appealing to any other blended families out there who might be able to offer some help. I am married to someone who has been married previously and has a daughter 8 years old from that marriage. We have been together for 5 years, married for nearly 3 and have a one year old daughter.

Things seem to have gotten horribly off track over the last 6 months. My step daughter has gone from seeming to love coming to stay to resenting it and hating me. Our every other weekend is ruined and ends in tears all round. Worst of all I am starting to resent her coming. She is ruining what should be a very happy time for me and my family.

I am wondering if anyone who has been similar can offer some advice. Do we just ride it out as best we can or tell her that she doesn't have to come - my preference although I recognise not necessarily right. I know that there we could try counselling but my husband is dead against. Help!

[waltzer]

Hi choc mint chip - Sorry that you feel that you are having such a tough time.

I have a couple of friends in similar situations to you and I would suggest that it is part of the journey that most families in a similar go through. Of course your stepdaughter would have loved coming over initially, I imagine that she felt the centre of your world whilst you made sure she felt happy in your home but now you have your own child she is feeling left out and she's not sure how to let you know this so she plays up and takes her anger out on you.

I'm not sure that her not coming is the answer at all, its only a short term fix. Not sure how your husband's relationship is with his ex but maybe she can help?

 

[family matters]

Maybe ask her if she likes this routine or would like to change it a bit , now she's a teenager and might have interests she hasnt voiced.

[not very famous five]

Hi I feel your pain, I've been there and are still there in many ways. Its all part of the journey I'm afraid. It will get better once your stepdaughter realises she hasn't been replaced.
Things that worked for us where having my stepson spend time with his father on his own. Doing an activity each holiday that he wanted to do and having him bring a friend on our family holiday, that seemed to improve his behaviour massively. Good luck with it all.

[not very famous five]

Hi I feel your pain, I've been there and are still there in many ways. Its all part of the journey I'm afraid. It will get better once your stepdaughter realises she hasn't been replaced.
Things that worked for us where having my stepson spend time with his father on his own. Doing an activity each holiday that he wanted to do and having him bring a friend on our family holiday, that seemed to improve his behaviour massively. Good luck with it all.

[muddyboots]

Just be kind, you are the adult here.

Whilst I understand it’s hard for you, the fact that you resent her coming and deep down prefer if she didn’t come is most probably felt by her.
Kids are not stupid, she will instinctively feel this.

She’s part of your husbands life as much as you .
If you struggle to find empathy, just imagine this little girl is your child in a few years.
Imagine you divorce and your own child would be in the same situation going to visit a step mum.

Instead of looking at she behaviour, try to find out why. Has something changed ?
Has something happened with her mum ? New partner there or something on school ?

I agree your husband should carve out some alone time with her bond with her.

I understand it’s natural to be defensive of your “own” family, but you married a man who has a child so now you need make it work for his and her sake.

[muddyboots]

So done be selfish ….

[Kirstie’s Mom]

I have been there only Dad was a widower. The step daughter was horrendous . Please ride it out . I did took many years but she calmed down and now accepts me as she has become older . I think in the beginning she was frightened that he would abandon her . It looks like in your case she is worried that your new child will do the same . Take a really deep breath and give her lots of love but do not allow her to be mean and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable but never tell her not to visit . It will get better I promise .

[BeStepWise]

Hi,

Have you come across these Be StepWise videos? There are a whole series on this topic. 

See this one called 

"what to do when your step-child hates your guts"

https://studio.youtube.com/video/aqZfcjWLZp0/edit

You can find them in YouTube @bestepwise

Or this one called, "For when you have awful emotions towards your step-child", and one called "find out the early warning signs for step-parents", which talks about how things can be fine to begin with. 

I hope they help, and all the best,

Alison






 

[choc mint chip1]

Thank you all for sharing. I think that I needed to be told that this on me to make work and lots of you have done this, thank you all. Will try and enforce boundaries whilst being welcoming and I will check out these videos for sure. Have a lovely evening everyone and thanks again, the replies are very helpful.

[BeStepWise]

Hiya

Here is the link again in case it doesn't work first time. 

https://studio.youtube.com/video/aqZfcjWLZp0/edit

or just go onto @bestepwise and search videos.

No subscription necessary.

Good luck, and all the best
Alison


 

[Bibi2000]

Hi Choc Mint Chip

We are also blended family - oof they are very challenging . Lots of feelings , lots of abandonment issues, LOTS of logistics ... I can really relate to your feelings.

My partner has a daughter the same age as my own - which is great ! But oh my goodness there can be some weekends which are just awful .. whether its my daughter of my partner's D being difficult. 

I have had many many thoughts in the early days where I considered leaving , as his daughter was incredibly difficult and every weekend was stressful. Plus, she lives 2 hrs drive away - so my partner is not around Friday or Sundays evenings - so most weekends were reduced to Saturdays only .. incredibly restrictive. 

BUT .. the girls are teens now - they are AMAZING .. get along and everything has smoothed out . Keep going - it will get easier. 

Blended families are hard for us adults , let alone a child with a lot of strong, hurt feelings. Consciously and unconsciously.

Maybe she is feeling vulnerable now you both have a child together and needs reassurance that she is still very very important and loved more than ever!
Your home was once just for her and now she has to share both her father and her space with another child that you have together. She is probably jealous and unsure how to verbalise this - so comes out in nightmarish behaviour. 

Try killing with kindness .. and LOTS of deep breaths .

I feel for you , but it will get better 

Happy to chat as I have been through it too and also struggled for a long time ( still do occasionally ) 

xx