I post on here often - but am using a different name today.
I've been married for a number of years and have two beautiful young children. My husband and I both work hard, with no family nearby to help and have spent the last few years of our lives permanently shattered.
During this time our relationship has worsened considerably - and we reached the stage some months ago when my husband basically stopped liking me. He hasn't physically touched me in well over six months, is generally mean in things he says and thoroughly lazy / selfish leaving me to deal with all household / financial / childcare arrangements. I've become very resentful -for example, I haven't had a lie in for two years and try to ensure he has a chance to sleep in as I try to make his life easier but the more I give, the more he takes and I just feel empty. I guess we have just grown apart and want different things - although I have no idea what he actually wants from life. I have offered to move out of London, to give up work to look after our family (although I'm the higher earner and so we'd probably lose our home), to get a less demanding job, for him to give up work but he won't have any conversations with me - and I feel so lonely and end up talking to my friends about my day to day probs (not my marriage) and so I feel like I'll lose them too as they must feel that I am a boring chatterbox - I really can't remember the last time I smiled and am begining to feel like an outsider in our conversations with nothing fun or exciting to contribute and so I'm choosing to see them less although that means I am feeling even more isolated.
I have lost all my confidence, am struggling to hold down my job as I am so miserable and exhausted and my head tells me that our marriage is over and I need to get out. I've broached the subject of us taking a break and he tells me that I am mad, couldn't cope without him, that he'd have me commited to a mental home etc. I don't think he means these things and is saying them for dramatic effect - but means he doesn't take anything I say seriously and just thinks we can carry on this way for the sake of the children.
The thing is, when he spends time with the children - he is a fantastic Dad. He is patient with them, plays with them and they totally adore him. He really is a great Dad - and it reminds me of how he was, once, with me. It annoys me he won't help "care" for them in terms of cooking, washing, activities etc, but when he is with them, they clearly adore him and him them.
I just don't know what to do. To split up means effectively taking my children's Dad away from them, plus their home, their friends if we move etc. Selfishly, I'd also lose my lovely home and may well have to leave my job as I couldn't face my children spending longer in childcare.....and have no idea how I would manage with two children, no family around, a demanding job, not enough cash. But I just don't know how long I can cope with feeling like this - being told constantly how terrible I am, rubbish mother, rubbish wife, rubbish daughter and just so lonely. I'm worried if it goes on much longer that my confidence will be so destroyed that I'll never leave.
But at the same time, I just can't do this to my children. I wonder if maybe I just accept my marriage is over and look to find fulfilment elsewhere (social activities, sport, my career etc) and somehow we try to co-exist at home. So I just accept that we don't talk, I get on and do everything (but without looking for his approval - so he can't put me down) and we "divide" up time with the children - at least that way I'll have accepted my marriage is over and he can't keep hurting me and controlling me anymore.
Sorry for the rambling message. I just don't know what to do. Outwardly I look to have it all, but inside I'm destroyed and so miserable and just can't carry on like this any longer. Any advice appreciated - particularly from anyone else who has managed to "co-exist".