Worries about creepy sleepover family

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whatdoIdo
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Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby whatdoIdo » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:33 pm

Hi all, I'm posting under a different name because this is a sensitive and difficult question that I've been worrying about for weeks.

My 7yo has been asked for a sleepover at her best friend's house. When we had this friend over for a sleepover last time I caught the friend laughing about "f**king you up the b*m". Sorry for the obvious there, but I feel I have to spell it out, because that is pretty disturbing in my books. It's not good is it!

When my daughter last had a sleepover at the friend's, I arrived to find the sibling (not much older) watching clips of 9/11 - the actual planes hitting the buildings. He has also spoken about sex when he has been at our house.

I don't want to project manage my children's friendships. I am fine that they will be like people that I don't particularly like. But I just find the language and behaviour of this other family really disturbing. I really am uncomfortable about her going on a sleepover with this family. What would you do? What would you say, both to them and to my daughter? She knows about the invite and really wants to go.
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whatdoIdo
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby whatdoIdo » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:35 pm

should read: "I am fine that they will like people that I don't particularly like." Sorry.
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ExitPursuedByABear
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby ExitPursuedByABear » Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:09 pm

Seven still seems very young - I say go with your gut instinct if you don't trust the family.

You could always let her stay till 10.30pm and pick up her up. Or say that you've already arranged another sleepover for her on that date, then hastily arrange one!
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BetteDavisEyes
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby BetteDavisEyes » Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:18 pm

Absolutely agree you should go with your instincts. Allowing your child to be friends with people you don't like is completely different to keeping them safe (and safe includes, in my book, keeping them away from talk about adult themes that they aren't yet emotionally ready to deal with - I realise that there is inevitably talk in playgrounds, but that is usually with a peer group - I think consideration always needs to be given to the possible behaviour of older siblings when a child is on a sleepover).
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gail0810
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby gail0810 » Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:25 pm

I also agree with others about trusting your instincts. My children aren't yet old enough for independent sleep overs with friends, but my sister had a similar quandry with the family of a friend of her 9 year old daughter and felt very uncomfortable with the step dad - she thought he was a bit pervy and had pictures of naked women on the walls and other bahaviours that made her very uncomfortable. So her daughter didn't go on another sleep over there and it turns out that other mums at school felt the same too.
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whatdoIdo
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby whatdoIdo » Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:02 am

Thanks all - I'll take your advice to go with my instincts as I find my instincts are usually pretty accurate! Now I just need to figure out a good excuse for why she can't stay the night there but still does sleepovers at other houses. It's going to be really uncomfortable having to lie to the Mum, but I suppose that's a small price to pay.
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NoodleFan
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Apr 27, 2015 6:55 am

Why do you have to lie to the mum? I think you have a perfectly good reason(s) and if she doesn't understand your concerns I wouldn't care what she thought! Maybe she doesn't realise the extent of it and you'd be doing her a favour.
Obviously I realise it's not easy saying it - I find email really useful in these situations! Seriously, she'll find another date for you if you don't address the issue.

Good luck!
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Sheds
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby Sheds » Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:06 am

Firstly I feel for you being in such a predicament - especially as it involves your daughter's best friend.

However, your gut is telling you exactly what you need to listen to.

There is no need to lie. If you spend some time imagining that you and the other mother are in each other's positions you will find compassion for the situation you are both in. Would you like to be told so that you did not spend endless hours wondering why? So you have the opportunity to do something about it? How would you like to be told?

Taking it further… how would you feel once you had been told? Then you can prepare yourself for how the other mum may react and give her the time and space to do so….

It can all be done with love and kindness and the outcome can be very positive.

Don't feed the worries into your mind, there is no need.
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NoodleFan
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:02 am

It can be done with love and kindness if she doesn't go on NV and hasn't seen the title of this post...
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dachshundvalley
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby dachshundvalley » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:06 am

IMO (and it's irrelevant as my eldest is only 3!) but I think 7 is too young for sleepovers so in that light I would say to the mother that you are worried she is growing up too fast and you are limiting the amount of sleepovers she has. You could say you don't want her exposed to certain things and the friend having an older brother makes your daughter exposed to them. It's not worth it, I would hate my daughter to be in an environment I wasn't comfortable with, for your daughters sake as well. Good luck.
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Sheds
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby Sheds » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:35 am

Can still be done with love and kindness...
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galpod
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby galpod » Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:25 am

I would also talk to my child and explain why I have concerns. I think it can be a discussion about how you want to keep her safe and how much weight should she give to your word, and perhaps even (depends on the child) about what to do if she feels uncomfortable with something that someone--even one of her friends--says or does. Just my 2p :)
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NoodleFan
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby NoodleFan » Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:34 am

It depends if your daughter has noticed anything so far.
My kids are totally oblivious to anything that isn't in "their world". I've noticed people swearing near them and they just don't hear it. If you warn her then she might start thinking it's more interesting than you'd like.
But I agree that you should ask her to come to you if she's uncomfortable with anything.
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headshrinker
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby headshrinker » Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:47 am

Regardless of what you decide, what is important here is to talk to your child about it. They will be exposed to stuff like this from time to time (more and more as they get older) so it's good to explain that although your friend says something, it doesn't mean it is OK. Also, encourage them to ask questions about what things mean and whether they are appropriate/allowed in your house. You can also explain your reasons for not going ahead with the sleepover if that is your choice.
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Evabee
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Re: Worries about creepy sleepover family

Postby Evabee » Mon Apr 27, 2015 10:59 am

I had to reply to your post after reading as i have experienced something very similar.
For kids to be using those sorts of phrases at that age starts alarm bells in my eyes. Honestly - in what situation should a child under 10 even know about the phrase that you mentioned?
I think i was too liberal with my eldest, and we paid the price - turns out the mother had no idea what her kids were getting up to or what they watching on the ipad upstairs and my son was exposed to far too much. I stopped my son from staying there and felt no obligation to explain myself - if the mother in question is wondering, perhaps she will ask her children? It may be the trigger she needs to tune in to what is going on with her family.
Honestly, trust your instincts every time.
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