Husband has visited escort- advice please

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Siyeo
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Siyeo » Mon Jun 22, 2015 11:10 pm

Where I can't condone your husbands behaviour. You do indicate yourself what the cause may have been. "although we have sex less often since the birth of our babies, he and I are still affectionate and intimate."
Men in general find it incredibly difficult to voice dissatisfaction in the bedroom and strangely often seek solace elsewhere without letting their partner know about this dissatisfaction. Of course it would have been more mature and correct to have told you about his unhappiness, if in fact this is the case, but as I say, men do find this subject very difficult to discuss, even with their long term partner
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Thecouplescoach
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Thecouplescoach » Wed Jun 24, 2015 2:22 pm

Dear upsetandconfused

Firstly I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It must feel dreadful and as if the bottom has fallen out of your World, especially as he previously seemed to be the perfect husband so there was no warning.

And I'm also glad to read further down that you have now contacted a counsellor as having a professional involved will help the two of you to be able to talk about this, to really hear what you each feel about it and to find a way forward. When emotions are running out of control, as I'm sure they naturally are, it is very hard to hear anything that our partner is saying, or to even figure out what we truly want ourselves. A professional will help you both to explore what's next.

Your relationship has just undergone a massive shift - from one with trust at the centre of it to one with no trust currently. Know that it will take some time to get your bearings again and understand your new situation. And support from a good friend can be invaluable at a time like this. But I would caution to choose your friend wisely - generally best to avoid those that are very opinionated and want to tell you what they think / what you should do. It's not advice that you need here as every situation is different and nobody truly knows how they would react until it happens. Instead opt for a friend who will listen and empathise, be there with you in your upset and not try and tell you what to do. It's not about gaining allies to tell you how wrong he was in his actions, but about having an outlet and someone you can pour out your heart to. It may also be helpful to speak to a friend who is not in your immediate circle or at least not in your couples circles. Or another option is to speak to a separate counsellor / coach, other than the one you are seeing together as they can help you to really express your feelings.

I want to wish you best of luck though at this rotten time,

Hugs

Sue x
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dodgypinz
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby dodgypinz » Mon Jun 29, 2015 9:13 am

Please don't go down the detective route it will be difficult to stop once stsrted. As I presume you would prefer to be able to work through this uoset and end up with a stronger marriage both for yourself and your babies your best route forward is couples counselling and maybe some individual counselling for you. Not least as I strongly believe you should NOT talk about this with family/friends as hopefully you will reach a position where b :shock: you can forgive and mostly forget. Other people WILL NOT. Imagine your teenage children overhearing a comment about their adored father?

I know how impossible it may feel now, but life and love together can be achieved if you both want it. Use your counselling for both of you to come to understand why it happened and how it is affecting EVERYTHING in your lives now. Then assuming you both value your lives together with your children ...What you need to do now and ongoing to ensure you can both be happy and secure together.
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Doman
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Doman » Mon Jun 29, 2015 12:36 pm

What an awful thing to have happened to you. I'm so sorry.

I honestly wouldn't go down the 'amateur detective' route. That is not healthy and won't allow you to move forwards. What's done is done. There's no point opening the wound over and over again.

I know it's hard but, having had serious crisis points in my own relationship before, if you decide to move on then you really, genuinely have to move on. You can't let this become a toxic issue that gets brought up every time you have a row. Discuss, accept apologies and explanations, make up and leave it behind you.

Good luck. I hope you sort things out.
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vendredimanche
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby vendredimanche » Tue Jun 30, 2015 9:00 am

There is an article about this post on the Daily Mail website - which ends by asking 'do you know this woman'? Outrageous.
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MrsAmanda
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby MrsAmanda » Tue Jun 30, 2015 10:50 am

I've just seen the DM article.

Perhaps we should all email neil.chandler@mailonline.co.uk and explain what lowlife scum he is for wanting to identify - and presumably publish - the couple. Want to potentially destroy and family and marriage, do you, Neil? Expose a family to public ridicule? Your parents must be so proud.
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Doman
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Doman » Tue Jun 30, 2015 10:52 am

Bloody Daily Mail ... makes my blood boil ... I'm going to email him.
What's he doing lurking on Nappy Valley anyway???
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MrsAmanda
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby MrsAmanda » Tue Jun 30, 2015 11:00 am

DM 'journalists' - I use the term in its loosest sense, seem to spend their time lurking on social media. Half their femail stories come from mumsnet etc.
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honestguy
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby honestguy » Tue Jun 30, 2015 1:08 pm

Just a happily married guy here trying to help.

I work with people that often do this kind of thing and justify it in a number of different ways.

Some men are unable to see what's wrong with this type of behaviour in fact they wouldn't see it as being unfaithful. There was no flirting, no longing stares, no waiting for the first kiss, no meal out, no affair, no "thrill of the chase". So as far as they are concerned its just a "quick one" and they would feel as much as guilt about it as going to the driving range. They are completely unable to understand that the other half of the relationship wont see it like that as its a complete breach of trust and love to them.

their justification is also sometimes "its not like her i love her" in fact its likely he doesn't even know her real name. Consequently he can detach himself and his emotions entirely. he would view you and her as two completely separate entities altogether. And there would be no correlation.

There is peer pressure to get involved, I'm fairly lucky in that i can say no and would rather put up with the banter and name calling but then be able to go home without feeling awful and inconsiderate.

Some guys cant. That doesn't excuse the behaviour but men don't really grow up at all. The banter can be hurtful and very playground like.

Most men speak, behave and do things they would never do in front of you when they are out with the "LADS" even well educated well off guys do this. Listen into a rugby crowd next time you are there.

I think you need to find away to make him understand how his actions have made you feel and the potential damage it could do to the relationship and the knock on effect that could have had on your family and children's lives.

All for a "happy ending" was it worth it?

Explain what its like for a new mother whose confidence and body image can sometimes be at an all-time low after having children. His life and body will have carried on relatively unchanged and its unfair of him to treat you with that much contempt even though he may not see it that way. Especially at a time when he should be making you feel as amazing as you can when you don't sleep !! He should be in awe of you for work you do at home with the children not out with escorts fumbling around.

But remember us men are just men we all make mistakes - its what we do to put them right that makes a difference.

Good luck hope it works out.
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Harbut
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Harbut » Tue Jun 30, 2015 6:59 pm

I think it's a bit much suggesting the journalist from the Daily Mail is setting out to destroy this marriage. The only person doing that is the guy one who thought it was a clever idea to nip off for a quick handjob / blow job from a prostitute. Let's be honest with the facts.

The journalist is doing his job, as much as it pains me to type that, just like the lady (or could have been a man) was doing his / her job when s/he was being paid to pull the guy's plonker.

All very seedy and sad however it's presented.

Regards a normal married bloke who's no fan of play-away Dads or the Daily Mail.
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Polly7
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Polly7 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 7:38 am

This is a really difficult one, my advice is to ensure you have money, sort out bank accounts, get tested for STD, read infidelity help group and chump lady, their advice is spot on.

Furthermore, it is not your fault, I repeat, it is not your fault. He made a choice. people and husband will trot out the lame excuses of he is in a fog, you didn't pay him enough attention, his dinner wasn't ready etc, but this is pure gas lighting.

Bottom line is he cheated, he didn't communicate, it was pre meditated. Lawyer up and photocopy all financial statements.
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Czubak
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Czubak » Wed Jul 01, 2015 3:45 pm

Another married guy here trying to make sense of all this. Firstly, I would like to say you have my sympathy in what must be a terrible situation.

Let me start by saying there really can be no justification for this kind of thing. But that doesn't mean that there are not causes at play here. Too often men and women fail to talk through their issues especially when their circumstances change such as when they have children. Both parties can struggle to deal with the new additions in their lives.

The problem seems to centre on the inability of some men to adjust and grow up - as the poster below states. As men we all have these 'urges'. The difference is some men - or even women - act on them and others don't.

I have known guys exactly this your husband in the past. Some manage to change their ways but other don't. My advice would be to work through your problems and try to save your marriage. But if your husband is not going to adjust his character and make some changes you are better off without him.

Hope this helps and good luck for the future.

Michael






honestguy wrote:Just a happily married guy here trying to help.

I work with people that often do this kind of thing and justify it in a number of different ways.

Some men are unable to see what's wrong with this type of behaviour in fact they wouldn't see it as being unfaithful. There was no flirting, no longing stares, no waiting for the first kiss, no meal out, no affair, no "thrill of the chase". So as far as they are concerned its just a "quick one" and they would feel as much as guilt about it as going to the driving range. They are completely unable to understand that the other half of the relationship wont see it like that as its a complete breach of trust and love to them.

their justification is also sometimes "its not like her i love her" in fact its likely he doesn't even know her real name. Consequently he can detach himself and his emotions entirely. he would view you and her as two completely separate entities altogether. And there would be no correlation.

There is peer pressure to get involved, I'm fairly lucky in that i can say no and would rather put up with the banter and name calling but then be able to go home without feeling awful and inconsiderate.

Some guys cant. That doesn't excuse the behaviour but men don't really grow up at all. The banter can be hurtful and very playground like.

Most men speak, behave and do things they would never do in front of you when they are out with the "LADS" even well educated well off guys do this. Listen into a rugby crowd next time you are there.

I think you need to find away to make him understand how his actions have made you feel and the potential damage it could do to the relationship and the knock on effect that could have had on your family and children's lives.

All for a "happy ending" was it worth it?

Explain what its like for a new mother whose confidence and body image can sometimes be at an all-time low after having children. His life and body will have carried on relatively unchanged and its unfair of him to treat you with that much contempt even though he may not see it that way. Especially at a time when he should be making you feel as amazing as you can when you don't sleep !! He should be in awe of you for work you do at home with the children not out with escorts fumbling around.

But remember us men are just men we all make mistakes - its what we do to put them right that makes a difference.

Good luck hope it works out.
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advancedmummy
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby advancedmummy » Thu Jul 02, 2015 10:22 am

I'm afraid to say, darling, it won't have been his first visit, nor his last, for sure. It was his first 'mistake'. There's no point in believing he wanted you to 'find out'.

Take my advice (since you quite rightly wish to work on your marriage) read/listen to an expert (and ex sufferer) of the same in her early marriage - Joy Rosendale, who is now a psychosexual counsellor (as a result of her husband doing the same continually and eventually destroying their marriage). She was a guest on Ladies Hour with Jenni Murray. It should enlighten you.

Sadly in the professional workplace it is acceptable for men to openly discuss it, and crude comments relating to their sex lives, 'referring to a sex worker as 'a brass' - even in the presence of their female colleagues; it's a form of bragging to each other. The female colleagues accept this as i't's not their concern', and fear that complaining to HR dept may result in punishment from their male colleagues.

Otherwise, his behaviour will continue, albeit much much more carefully hidden. A telling off/plea for forgiveness will not suffice. This behaviour usually begins with viewing computer images, (iPads etc can easily delete history) then leads to 'home visits' as telephone numbers are advertised on every page (they even have forums where the 'clients' recommend certain workers!) then, eventually more 'unusual' activities begin because the female/male (don't rule it out) sax workers become 'boring' leading to eg LBoys/more sordid proclivities.. I know, it is horrendous when one learns this of their partner, but, despite his denials/disgust at even the slightest suggestion he may be interested in the latter, do not believe him. It will happen eventually if it hasn't already.

FYI It happened to me, but I eventually divorced, because it was too late. I wish I had been advised then as I am advising you now. Good luck
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Bellahriou
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Bellahriou » Sat Jul 04, 2015 6:13 am

Ditto the author below, I think I too "found out" too late, there is no way for me forward as if someone is doing this to you it means your emotional intimacy as a couple been violated and to me it's the end of "love-trust". It is very true the saying "once a cheater - always a cheater". I let myself not to believe in this 8 years ago, now, older and with a small child, I regret that I didn't. It's never to late to fix your life and find someone who would love, respect and appreciate you for who you are. And even if I don't meet this person, I'd be better of on my own than living with someone who lies to me. I don't take all this male "rationalization" of such behavior, mine one also says that "that is different, I chose this way so I don't get emotional connection to them", but he will never understand that for women it is different, we don't see it the same way, for as it is cheating in the most degrading way. Whose who go to prostitutes for "extras" are satisfying their animal instincts. And the God gave a man human brain so that he is able to control his animal instincts.
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Pud1
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Re: Husband has visited escort- advice please

Postby Pud1 » Sat Jul 04, 2015 10:13 am

This post has also made it into The Telegraph this morning...
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