abusive relationship?

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abusive relationship?

Postby SW4SW4 » Sun Mar 11, 2018 7:35 pm

Absuive relationship?

It has taken me a lot of strength to write this, I wasn’t quite sure if I should or not... I know if I was the ‘reader’ I would be pretty much shouting at my message telling me the right thing to do!.....

I’m 35 years of age, have been with my partner for 6 years, and moved in with him in ‘hes’ flat 6 years ago. I’ve known him since the teenage years.

6 years ago I moved out of my parents house in Rayners Park (yes I know quite late), I lived at my parents as my sister suffers with ADHD/ autism and for the last 4 years has had mental health problems, my mothers husband also left them 3 years ago, so I have very much been a second guardian, while working full time. (I have lost a few jobs due to non commitment throughout this time).

My life has been pretty much: full day of work, either sisters hospital or at my mothers house after work, and then back home. Weekends I slept a lot and the occasional weekend I would go for dinner with friends if I had the energy.

I pay half and half for everything at my partners, and have decorated and furnished the whole flat myself for the last 6 years.

My ‘home’ feels like my home, and after a day of dealing with work and family was always a place I could come back to and relax and try and have me time away from it all.

Me and my partner have always argued somewhat: I feel he don’t make an effort and take me out, I almost felt like he never wanted to be there for me when my sister was Ill (he would occasionally), he is smoking a lot of dope and drinking alcohol (he works in education, so put it down to the stress).

We’ve been on 2 holidays, and a few cinema dates. He does not want children and I do, so that’s always been a horrible subject.

I know I shouldn’t have, but 2 years ago went through he’s phone and came across lots of texts between him and he’s friends about other girls he is talking too, a couple pictures, I made him aware I knew and of course he said he was messing about and the moral of the story was based on how could I go through he’s phone! Last year I did the same and saw a video of a girl on my sofa with her clothes off, I went crazy, moved out and of course he begged me back, again I felt like I wanted to come home just not to him.

I’ve always felt like it would have been better to stay in my ‘safe’ house then to go back home and deal with the stress of everything there. I often retreated to the bedroom many weeks until a conversation would strike up again and then some how things went back to normal.

He says that he does not want to meet my mum, but talks to her occasionally on the phone on an ad hoc basis!! The excuse is he will soon.

When we do have arguments he takes my house keys from me and packs my stuff, which often leads to huge anxiety and makes me not go out.

I can count on 2 hands in the last year the amount of times my clothes end of in black bags over an argument. He says to me I know you don’t want to go back to your mums, so I feel I can’t be as vocal as I want to be.

I take my autistic sister on holiday twice a year by myself and he never comes — says it would be boring and he would have nothing to do. The loneliness sets in.

He says I do too much for her!!

Most lately and for quite a while I have been in a position where I can’t let my mother know about my problems as she has enough to deal with with my sister and in turn cannot move back.

I have no rights as the tenancy is in he’s name only and to be honest I pay next to nothing rent as it is split £800.

My sister stayed a few weekends ago and he made us feel so uncomfortable all because we was not talking.

I just can’t take anymore, he abuses me, most recently he’s been talking to other women while I’m in the house, tells he’s friends that I’m this and that and really horrid. Tells me to get out he’s house.

It has come to the end but he knows I would need some time to save up to at least find a room, today he took my keys again (I managed to get them back) and packed all my bags and said to me while I am here I’m stopping him from bringing women back to the house!!! :-(

I have respect enough for myself that I do get intimate with him when these times arise, and I feel sex often makes him feel valid, so this would effect him too!

For the last 3 years I’ve been suffering with postural dizziness, which had been so frightening where I get dizzy 60% of the day, even things like driving/standing in queues make it worse, I went through an ordeal last year, MRI scans, Ent, etc.

My health has gone completely down hill.

I have a great career in a high position as a HR Manager, am completely strong in my job, am an advocate for my sister (have meetings with upto 12 external agencies ensuring she gets the correct help), am the go-to for my friends for advice and am a strong individual albeit this situation.

It’s not only my home I’ve made for 6 years but my job is 5 mins from here (Clapham) and I feel like he has just gone mad in the head.

I feel like such a codependent, and why worry that he is going to get sick or will be in Poverty when I leave (even though he has been doing this for a while, I have work tomorrow, tried to put on a face for mother’s day today (as per normal) and my bags are packed and don’t have the energy to even unpack them just got out my clothes for work tomorrow, he just came in my bedroom and said your going next week otherwise your stuff is going in the bin)

Why do I feel like I can’t just go? I feel like this is my home, angry, injustice, how dare he.

I feel like he ifs going mad in the head and that I feel I have a duty of care.

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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby kidzibuzi » Sun Mar 11, 2018 9:58 pm

I really feel for you and would say one thing: run away from him. You can recreate your cosy home and even better somewhere else!
Your energy level may be really low for a few weeks/months, but you will be so much better when you will go over this.
It seems that the responsibility you had with your sister and situation at your mums made you think it was ok to leave with someone abusive as long as you could escape the previous extremely difficult situation. It doesn't, there is a life out there and you desserve to look for the best of it.
You are already doing a lot for your own family, so anyone who would like to be part of your life should understand it and be respectful. A good relationship includes supporting each over, even if there are some up and down.
I wish you the best and hope you will find the strength to find your new path.
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby dencng57 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:12 am

I'm very sorry to read about your situation and feel you are brave to have posted. What you are describing is domestic abuse. There is help and support available from professionals to help empower you to make decisions. The national domestic abuse helpline is 0808 2000 247 plus there is local support via http://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/domesticviolence. Another organisation you could contact is: http://www.hestia.org/how-we-help/domestic-abuse/ It can be extremely challenging to leave an abusive relationship for all sorts of reasons, so I encourage you to take a further step to enlist professional support, because you absolutely deserve better.
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby ally30_1998 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:35 am

I agree with previous poster that you need some help to leave this situation and you will need support afterwards
Ring the number she posted, and persevere until you get through. If you are lost for words read them what you wrote above.
I totally get where your head is. You’re carrying a very large burden.
Once you get free of this you will be amazed at how much energy you have.
I understand your feelings about walking away from the home you’ve built. I can only assure you as someone who had to do this twice, that your freedom will outweigh all the ‘things’.
It sounds like you’ve yet to experience just living for yourself.
Keep posting here - let us know how you’re getting on.
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby AndrewSW4 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:12 am


I'm so sorry to hear of the terrible time you've been having and the abuse you've had to endure. You deserve none of it and it's clear that you need both to have the reassurance of speaking with a professional abuse counsellor and to exit this relationship as soon as possible.

A female friend of mine had to endure similar abuse over a period of two years. She moved out from her partner's property (he owned the house)and back to her parents for a while and within a matter of weeks was regaining her self confidence and feeling stronger and more able. She sought support and still speaks to a counsellor a year on....but is now so much happier.

You can do it!

I would suggest that you consider reporting the abuse you've suffered, to protect yourself and anyone else.

Take care x
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby jon_events » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:38 am

So sorry to hear about your situation. It's grim going through it, but the good news is that there is another side.

Others have already signposted services where you should be able to access support.

I found www.flyingmonkeysdenied.com a really useful resource in better understanding my toxic ex, and learning about setting my own boundaries so that hopefully I don't repeat the same mistake in the future.

Depending on your work situation, it may be worthwhile having a chat internally (although I have heard about mixed experiences of this). Some employers are really good, and you may be given the support you need to help move on (in safety) to a new home, keep your job, start the healing journey and your new life chapter.

I wish you all the best. Stay safe and remember help is always out there.

You can always ring 116 123 for the Samaritans at any time of the day if you need someone to listen.
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby vicki.wharton » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:18 am

As someone that was brought up in a family where my father used sexist violence against my mother and myself, I think this is the root of your boyfriend's behaviour towards you and your family and your tolerance of it as alot of institutions such as the media, church, etc encourage girls and women to put up with this human rights abuse. I would suggest you move back to your mother's house asap and then get some counselling around deprogramming yourself to be everyone's carer but yourself. I would also try and join some group counselling as a way of getting some support from other women who've been through the same thing and give yourself a bit of time to regroup. Obviously you need to try and help your family as much as possible, but not to the point that you surrender your entire life over to supporting them unless that's absolutely what you want to do. We all deserve to be able to make some choices that make us happy. Good luck xx
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby Crazy4 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:53 am

I’d recommend the one stop shop at St Marks Church they have all the professionals in the same room to support you, no need for an appointment you can just drop in, they’re available Monday mornings

http://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/news/artic ... c_violence
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Re: abusive relationship?

Postby Bevvers » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:18 pm

The one thing I wish I had known when I was in a bad situation was that you do have choices. It doesn’t have to be like this, and with help and support you can change this situation. It is absolutely OK that you do something for yourself. Your partner will manage and you will be free.