It has taken me a lot of strength to write this, I wasn’t quite sure if I should or not... I know if I was the ‘reader’ I would be pretty much shouting at my message telling me the right thing to do!.....
I’m 35 years of age, have been with my partner for 6 years, and moved in with him in ‘hes’ flat 6 years ago. I’ve known him since the teenage years.
6 years ago I moved out of my parents house in Rayners Park (yes I know quite late), I lived at my parents as my sister suffers with ADHD/ autism and for the last 4 years has had mental health problems, my mothers husband also left them 3 years ago, so I have very much been a second guardian, while working full time. (I have lost a few jobs due to non commitment throughout this time).
My life has been pretty much: full day of work, either sisters hospital or at my mothers house after work, and then back home. Weekends I slept a lot and the occasional weekend I would go for dinner with friends if I had the energy.
I pay half and half for everything at my partners, and have decorated and furnished the whole flat myself for the last 6 years.
My ‘home’ feels like my home, and after a day of dealing with work and family was always a place I could come back to and relax and try and have me time away from it all.
Me and my partner have always argued somewhat: I feel he don’t make an effort and take me out, I almost felt like he never wanted to be there for me when my sister was Ill (he would occasionally), he is smoking a lot of dope and drinking alcohol (he works in education, so put it down to the stress).
We’ve been on 2 holidays, and a few cinema dates. He does not want children and I do, so that’s always been a horrible subject.
I know I shouldn’t have, but 2 years ago went through he’s phone and came across lots of texts between him and he’s friends about other girls he is talking too, a couple pictures, I made him aware I knew and of course he said he was messing about and the moral of the story was based on how could I go through he’s phone! Last year I did the same and saw a video of a girl on my sofa with her clothes off, I went crazy, moved out and of course he begged me back, again I felt like I wanted to come home just not to him.
I’ve always felt like it would have been better to stay in my ‘safe’ house then to go back home and deal with the stress of everything there. I often retreated to the bedroom many weeks until a conversation would strike up again and then some how things went back to normal.
He says that he does not want to meet my mum, but talks to her occasionally on the phone on an ad hoc basis!! The excuse is he will soon.
When we do have arguments he takes my house keys from me and packs my stuff, which often leads to huge anxiety and makes me not go out.
I can count on 2 hands in the last year the amount of times my clothes end of in black bags over an argument. He says to me I know you don’t want to go back to your mums, so I feel I can’t be as vocal as I want to be.
I take my autistic sister on holiday twice a year by myself and he never comes — says it would be boring and he would have nothing to do. The loneliness sets in.
He says I do too much for her!!
Most lately and for quite a while I have been in a position where I can’t let my mother know about my problems as she has enough to deal with with my sister and in turn cannot move back.
I have no rights as the tenancy is in he’s name only and to be honest I pay next to nothing rent as it is split £800.
My sister stayed a few weekends ago and he made us feel so uncomfortable all because we was not talking.
I just can’t take anymore, he abuses me, most recently he’s been talking to other women while I’m in the house, tells he’s friends that I’m this and that and really horrid. Tells me to get out he’s house.
It has come to the end but he knows I would need some time to save up to at least find a room, today he took my keys again (I managed to get them back) and packed all my bags and said to me while I am here I’m stopping him from bringing women back to the house!!!
I have respect enough for myself that I do get intimate with him when these times arise, and I feel sex often makes him feel valid, so this would effect him too!
For the last 3 years I’ve been suffering with postural dizziness, which had been so frightening where I get dizzy 60% of the day, even things like driving/standing in queues make it worse, I went through an ordeal last year, MRI scans, Ent, etc.
My health has gone completely down hill.
I have a great career in a high position as a HR Manager, am completely strong in my job, am an advocate for my sister (have meetings with upto 12 external agencies ensuring she gets the correct help), am the go-to for my friends for advice and am a strong individual albeit this situation.
It’s not only my home I’ve made for 6 years but my job is 5 mins from here (Clapham) and I feel like he has just gone mad in the head.
I feel like such a codependent, and why worry that he is going to get sick or will be in Poverty when I leave (even though he has been doing this for a while, I have work tomorrow, tried to put on a face for mother’s day today (as per normal) and my bags are packed and don’t have the energy to even unpack them just got out my clothes for work tomorrow, he just came in my bedroom and said your going next week otherwise your stuff is going in the bin)
Why do I feel like I can’t just go? I feel like this is my home, angry, injustice, how dare he.
I feel like he ifs going mad in the head and that I feel I have a duty of care.