I want a third but husband isn’t sure

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Thirdchild
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I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Thirdchild » Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:44 pm

Hello Everyone

I'd love some advice.

I am a 35 mum of 2 boys under 4. I’ve always liked the idea of 3 kids but over the past couple of months, I have really wanted it. Now seems like the perfect time for us, work wise and life wise, if we were to ever take the plunge. But my husband isn’t sure about having 3 kids.

We had our kids close in age and it’s just starting to get easier after 2 years of craziness. He was the baby of three in his family and while he had a lovely upbringing, he just felt there was never enough time for everyone. Also with the added complication a third brings- changing cars, extra costs, being outnumbered, he’s not that keen. Honestly I can see where he’s coming from and logically it makes sense when our lives are working well and we are comfortable at the moment but I still feel there is someone missing around the kitchen table. Head vs heart if you will.

Has anyone had this in their relationship? How do you get round it as someone will have to compromise and what do I do if that someone has to be me?
RumourMill
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby RumourMill » Mon Aug 06, 2018 2:25 pm

It's a tough one.

If you REALLY want a third then I think the biggest danger is that you end up holding it against him if you don't get your way and that can really fester and burn. I've seen a couple of friends almost break up over this but, ironically, it's years later when the youngest are leaving home and then they resent the lack of a third/second/fourth.

The cost shouldn't be an issue but I know it is. When I say it shouldn't my view is that you always find a way. That might mean no private schools and cheaper holidays but unless money is super super tight then I'd have thought you'll be ok.

I don't buy the "no time for everyone" argument - arguably as the household is bigger then there are more people around to play with/talk to but I am more worried about the "craziness".

Some men are fundamentally selfish and really don't want to play second fiddle. And some men are so selfish they'll end a marriage over this. I think you kinda know if your husband is like this - if he is then it may be a deal breaker.

Good luck but on balance I'd go for it - never heard anyone say the regret having children and I've heard loads say they regret not having more...
Luti
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Luti » Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:09 pm

Once a friend told me something like:

To be happy, what you need is not an easy/ comfortable life but a fulfilling/gratifying life.

Don't be afraid to give! You'll always feel gratified by being generous
chorister
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby chorister » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:38 pm

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Last edited by chorister on Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
RumourMill
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby RumourMill » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:46 pm

“Do you really, honestly think that complete strangers posting under pseudonyms on a bulletin board can advise you?”

What a negative attitude.

We are not giving definitive advice which she must follow - just insights from our own experience.

Not sure how it differs too much from asking friends over a glass of wine.
KEMS
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby KEMS » Tue Aug 07, 2018 12:04 am

I really sympathise - I am in exactly the same position as you and can honestly say it has created a major problem in our marriage.

We tried for nearly three years for a third without falling pregnant...... and my husband then decided the age gap was too big and he didn’t want to keep going. I feel so strongly...... but so does he. And I totally get all the ‘head’ reasons why it isn’t a good idea. But the ‘heart’ is still there!

I can’t offer much except my sympathy - but both you and your husband have very valid feelings so it isn’t going to be an easy one to solve.

Good luck!
Chucka
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Chucka » Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:42 am

I would suggest that you start by using natural fertility rather than so called contraceptives.   It's more favourable to thinking about what conjugal intimacy really means.  Contraceptives make infertility the norm.  Natural fertility makes fertility the norm and a monthly decision to plan to opt out of conception involves at least a conversation about what is happening with the fertility cycle.

The physical benefits of going chemical free are huge and there are great apps available now so a lot more intuitive.  https://smartloving.org/learning-natural-fertility/




 
Chucka
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Chucka » Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:42 am

I would suggest that you start by using natural fertility rather than so called contraceptives.   It's more favourable to thinking about what conjugal intimacy really means.  Contraceptives make infertility the norm.  Natural fertility makes fertility the norm and a monthly decision to plan to opt out of conception involves at least a conversation about what is happening with the fertility cycle.

The physical benefits of going chemical free are huge and there are great apps available now so a lot more intuitive.  https://smartloving.org/learning-natural-fertility/




 
NVNV
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby NVNV » Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:19 pm

What a difficult one Thirdchild. I haven't been in your position but maybe I can give a different POV.

My husband and I had our first child nearly 18 months ago. We both thought we wanted two. Even though our child is relatively easy, we've both realised we think we're happy to stick with one child. I'm one of four, he's one of two, and both of us have siblings with three children. So we're used to big families. However, we like our life as it is. Granted this may change in time but this is where we've been since our son was born.

We don't want to go back to the newborn stage. We don't want to change our unit to one that is forever chasing children. We listen to friends with multiple kids tell us how they love how their kids play together while we watch them constantly breaking up fights and stopping bickering. We think back to our family dynamics as kids and while one of four, me and my siblings didn't all get on, and because of their age gap my husband wasn't close to his sibling.

We like that we can take our son to lovely hotels and restaurants, on lovely holidays, and he enjoys experiences that we couldn't do with more than one (I take him on train rides and to galleries and places that I couldn't manage alone if we had another child). He's super socialised through play dates and nursery and he loves to play alone, too.

Some people might call it selfish, but it's equally easy to call having more children in a world that needs fewer selfish. What I mean by that is that the choice is always personal and subjective. There's always an argument to defend both decisions. I don't think there is a perfect number because it's different for everyone. Some people would hate to have one, as we're likely to choose, we would hate the opposite. Years ago I read research in the Economist that non-parents are as happy as parents, they just have different pleasures and pains. I imagine that's true of parents of different numbers of children, too.

But I really don't buy the argument that 'people regret not having them, they don't regret having them'. It's easy to say you regret someone who doesn't exist (especially when that someone will be idealised and not real). Which parent is honestly going to say they regret the realised child they've nurtured and loved? It's not a fair comparison. The 'regretted child' might have been an absolute nightmare in real life, versus the idealised little cherub that is imagined (because who imagines that their kid will be anything less than perfect?)

I have a similar situation in that I'd have loved a girl. As much as I chastise myself for being so bloody sexist I can't help myself, because I imagine the incredible, smart, funny little girl power champion I'd have had who'd change the world while wearing the gorgeous clothes you can get for girls. And then I reign it in because I'm not having another child on the punt she's a girl, and likely she wouldn't be what I imagine because that's not how the world works.

Similarly, as one of four I enjoy having siblings now as a grown adult, and I wonder what we're potentially depriving our son of as he grows up. But I ask single child friends and they don't feel that their worlds are lacking for not having someone who has never existed. Besides, not all adult siblings get on.

However, I wanted to share the other side because I dislike the idea that it's selfish men who don't want more children because they're selfish. I'm female and I don't want more. And as long as any of us are following our personal desires above those of others, that makes us selfish, whatever those desires are - more children or no more children. 

I think as someone else mentioned above, the danger is that this causes a rift between you and your husband and negatively affects you both and your two children. Maybe you need to fully work out what you think is missing and why you think a third will be the answer, and he can explain his side. But to be a broken record, I think it's really important to remember that both arguments will be full of valid reasons and personal preferences of how you both want to live your lives, because we are more than parents, we're still people who have other needs beyond children.
radslogin
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby radslogin » Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:02 pm

There’s a amazing book by an economist called “Selfish Reasons to have more kids” - it basically sets out all the stats about why you can’t really mess your kids up so you should just enjoy it as much as you can. He then extends the argument out to say you should have one more kid than you think you want when they are small because with average life expectancy you get to be a parent to older kids for 30-50 years which we underweight the positives of vs overweighting the negatives of dealing with very small children (for a relatively short period of time)

It’s very persuasive!