I want a third but husband isn’t sure

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Thirdchild
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I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Thirdchild » Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:44 pm

Hello Everyone

I'd love some advice.

I am a 35 mum of 2 boys under 4. I’ve always liked the idea of 3 kids but over the past couple of months, I have really wanted it. Now seems like the perfect time for us, work wise and life wise, if we were to ever take the plunge. But my husband isn’t sure about having 3 kids.

We had our kids close in age and it’s just starting to get easier after 2 years of craziness. He was the baby of three in his family and while he had a lovely upbringing, he just felt there was never enough time for everyone. Also with the added complication a third brings- changing cars, extra costs, being outnumbered, he’s not that keen. Honestly I can see where he’s coming from and logically it makes sense when our lives are working well and we are comfortable at the moment but I still feel there is someone missing around the kitchen table. Head vs heart if you will.

Has anyone had this in their relationship? How do you get round it as someone will have to compromise and what do I do if that someone has to be me?
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RumourMill
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby RumourMill » Mon Aug 06, 2018 2:25 pm

It's a tough one.

If you REALLY want a third then I think the biggest danger is that you end up holding it against him if you don't get your way and that can really fester and burn. I've seen a couple of friends almost break up over this but, ironically, it's years later when the youngest are leaving home and then they resent the lack of a third/second/fourth.

The cost shouldn't be an issue but I know it is. When I say it shouldn't my view is that you always find a way. That might mean no private schools and cheaper holidays but unless money is super super tight then I'd have thought you'll be ok.

I don't buy the "no time for everyone" argument - arguably as the household is bigger then there are more people around to play with/talk to but I am more worried about the "craziness".

Some men are fundamentally selfish and really don't want to play second fiddle. And some men are so selfish they'll end a marriage over this. I think you kinda know if your husband is like this - if he is then it may be a deal breaker.

Good luck but on balance I'd go for it - never heard anyone say the regret having children and I've heard loads say they regret not having more...
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Luti
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Luti » Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:09 pm

Once a friend told me something like:

To be happy, what you need is not an easy/ comfortable life but a fulfilling/gratifying life.

Don't be afraid to give! You'll always feel gratified by being generous
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chorister
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby chorister » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:38 pm

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Last edited by chorister on Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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RumourMill
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby RumourMill » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:46 pm

“Do you really, honestly think that complete strangers posting under pseudonyms on a bulletin board can advise you?”

What a negative attitude.

We are not giving definitive advice which she must follow - just insights from our own experience.

Not sure how it differs too much from asking friends over a glass of wine.
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KEMS
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby KEMS » Tue Aug 07, 2018 12:04 am

I really sympathise - I am in exactly the same position as you and can honestly say it has created a major problem in our marriage.

We tried for nearly three years for a third without falling pregnant...... and my husband then decided the age gap was too big and he didn’t want to keep going. I feel so strongly...... but so does he. And I totally get all the ‘head’ reasons why it isn’t a good idea. But the ‘heart’ is still there!

I can’t offer much except my sympathy - but both you and your husband have very valid feelings so it isn’t going to be an easy one to solve.

Good luck!
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Chucka
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Chucka » Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:42 am

I would suggest that you start by using natural fertility rather than so called contraceptives.   It's more favourable to thinking about what conjugal intimacy really means.  Contraceptives make infertility the norm.  Natural fertility makes fertility the norm and a monthly decision to plan to opt out of conception involves at least a conversation about what is happening with the fertility cycle.

The physical benefits of going chemical free are huge and there are great apps available now so a lot more intuitive.  https://smartloving.org/learning-natural-fertility/




 
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Chucka
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby Chucka » Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:42 am

I would suggest that you start by using natural fertility rather than so called contraceptives.   It's more favourable to thinking about what conjugal intimacy really means.  Contraceptives make infertility the norm.  Natural fertility makes fertility the norm and a monthly decision to plan to opt out of conception involves at least a conversation about what is happening with the fertility cycle.

The physical benefits of going chemical free are huge and there are great apps available now so a lot more intuitive.  https://smartloving.org/learning-natural-fertility/




 
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NVNV
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby NVNV » Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:19 pm

    
Last edited by NVNV on Wed Mar 27, 2024 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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radslogin
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Re: I want a third but husband isn’t sure

Postby radslogin » Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:02 pm

There’s a amazing book by an economist called “Selfish Reasons to have more kids” - it basically sets out all the stats about why you can’t really mess your kids up so you should just enjoy it as much as you can. He then extends the argument out to say you should have one more kid than you think you want when they are small because with average life expectancy you get to be a parent to older kids for 30-50 years which we underweight the positives of vs overweighting the negatives of dealing with very small children (for a relatively short period of time)

It’s very persuasive!
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