Yr 6 boy adhd Post Reply

[Guest user 7777]

My beautiful boy with adhd is really struggling socially and other parents at his school have been just awful.

Are there any parents of adhd boys 9-12 (ish!) who might like to meet for chat, support etc? There don’t seem to be any local to Wandsworth area groups. Interested in possibly starting one.

[Mumofboys33]

My boys (both with ADHD) are a bit older now so wouldn't really fit the bill but I want to respond to reassure you and give you a hug. Both my boys had quite a bad time at their primary school and struggled socially - other kids were not the problem but the parents were quite awful. Once they moved to their current secondary schools, both of them (and me) breathed a sigh of relief and they are so happy now. Sadly, whatever people say, on primary schools most playdates and friendships are dominated and steered by parents. Once you take parents out of equation, as it happens in secondary schools, kids choose their own friends and everything becomes much healthier. So hope your boy will have better time next year

[Guest User 7777]

Hello that is amazing to hear. I am ready to “write off” primary but so worried about what is to come. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[2009Kat]

There are local groups! Look up SEN Talk. Local group who do social clubs for adhd/asd children - my adhd boy loves it.

[2009Kat]

(And mentoring and parent events as well at SEN Talk)

[muddyboots]

Hi,

I’m just curious what the parents have said or done that is horrible?

I think empathy is needed on both sides.
It’s not easy for parents either side when their child is affected.

In my case, just one example, my child has been punched in the back so hard at 7 yrs old that he had red marks.
This was because an adhd child was frustrated and my child happened to be nearby.
It’s not the fault of either child, but it’s also hard for the child who doesn’t understand why teachers act like it’s OK. And every child has the right to be safe in school.

I never said anything or made a fuss.
But it’s very hard to sit back and see your child get hurt and have everyone act like it doesn’t matter.

At nursery we had similar experiences where a SEN child was hurting other children and the unfairness/confusion in the children’s eyes when teachers don’t tell the child off.

Also - sadly as many primary schools don’t have enough resources teachers sometimes use pupils to help manage a difficult pupil.
My eldest had a SEN child and teacher used the girls as buffer to calm him. He was always sat with the girls and as they were “good at calming him”. It’s not fair on the other kids. They are there to learn and shouldn’t have to manage other pupils.

Equally it’s not fair that children who need extra support don’t always get the resources needed to help them or extra allowances to not have to sit still or get a break when needed.
Or not fair when one child needs more help and the rest of the class lose out because there are not enough teacher assistants.

Either way, my point is empathy and understanding is needed on both sides.

[Summerbird]

Wow muddy boots.... Just wow....

Disabled or neurodiverse people are such a burden, aren't they? They should all be delegated to special schools right? So sorry your child was affected at some points by children who are affected by their disability every single day and every single moment of their lives.

However, perhaps these children could also teach something and not just distract? Teach your child empathy, understanding and tolerance? And to teach them to appreciate how different or hard is life for some?

Also, please stop painting the picture of SEN children as being aggressive. Most of them are not and many neurotypical children are.

[muddyboots]

Summerbird, you are trying to put words in my mouth.
My message was of empathy needed on either sides and expressed only personal accounts based on experience.
There was no generalisation cast on anyone.

I was also talking of unfairness in the system that makes every child disadvantaged. The child needing the most help not getting enough or the rest not getting their allocated teaching assistant as one child needs constant support.

I feel that children do develop empathy and so learn.

Your reply is exactly of the attitude I was wondering about from other parent that the OP was referring to.

I feel that parents get shut down if they saying anything at all.
But everyone has the right to look out for their child however the circumstance arises.

Perhaps take a message in how it’s intended , I didn’t mean it how you took it either way.

[guest user 7777]

@ muddy boots.

I’m not going to enter into the cost part of the equation because that’s not relevant here. The fact is that children with adhd are often especially sensitive to peer criticism. And yet they receive more of it than everyone else. They are desperate for connection. When they are ignored (repeatedly not included) by their peers they potentially act out as negative attention is better than none. Schools are hopeless at dealing with this and (apparently) only know how to use sanctions as behaviour modification rather than the kind of positive skill building reinforcement that actually works very well with every child (not just ones that are neurodivergent). Parents are key to the cycle of social of exclusion. I’m not talking about lots of play dates. I’m talking about eg birthday parties to which every child is invited bar one or two.

[Mumofboys33]

Birthday parties where all the boys were invited apart from mine... Omg it's still making my heart bleed when I remember. I actually don't understand how people can do it but they do. I don't want to think about the many nights my child cried himself to sleep because of this.

He never hurt anyone. He was a lovely boy but just a bit lively and loud. Other kids loved him and many times begged their mums in the playground to have him over but somehow there was always an excuse. When I invited other kids over, somehow they were always busy. Kids were never a problem, parents were.

He is now in a great academic school doing much better than many of those "good boys" and being a much more adjusted and nicer teenager than they are. He just needed a bit more time to get there. He had to learn to know himself and manage himself much earlier than others. It's so lovely to see him flourish now but, trust me muddy boots, the scars remain...

[Mumofboys33]

Birthday parties where all the boys were invited apart from mine... Omg it's still making my heart bleed when I remember. I actually don't understand how people can do it but they do. I don't want to think about the many nights my child cried himself to sleep because of this.

He never hurt anyone. He was a lovely boy but just a bit lively and loud. Other kids loved him and many times begged their mums in the playground to have him over but somehow there was always an excuse. When I invited other kids over, somehow they were always busy. Kids were never a problem, parents were.

He is now in a great academic school doing much better than many of those "good boys" and being a much more adjusted and nicer teenager than they are. He just needed a bit more time to get there. He had to learn to know himself and manage himself much earlier than others. It's so lovely to see him flourish now but, trust me muddy boots, the scars remain...

[CallieC]

Hello
My son is in Year 4 and I would really like to meet up. It would be very helpful. Many thanks for suggesting.

[Milecaway79]

I agree with what was said earlier - my 12 yo boy diagnosed with ADHD since reception struggled socially his whole primary school life.

We have been always very opened with his condition - the school was very supportive - parents less…

Our kid was labelled as the naughty boy.
and was never invited to play dates or small group birthdays

I had mums stopping saying hi to me in the street
One day my boy was asking for a play date with another boy, and the other boy replied in front of me that his mum does not want as she said my son was naughty


being a mum of 3 I totally appreciate some parents are protective with their children - however as this was mentioned above there is very often a lack of empathy for SEN children - or when we don’t know what it is like to live with an invisible condition such as ADHD
The struggle for them is every single minute

School is not all about academic but teaching our children to leave all together and be empathetic with others

My son started secondary school last year in a new school with new friends and things have been much more easier so hang on there !!

[Sad SEN parent]

Your posts made me very sad MuddyBoots. I can see your point that education is underfunded which affects more children than just those with SEN. I appreciate I am probably being over sensitive because we’ve had a h
Bad week but really most people just don’t understand what it is like to live in the SEN world. Exclusion from play dates, parties, park meet ups, friends fading away, the incessant bullying of my child due to their disabilities (and yes this happens in “nice” schools whatever they tell you) constantly battling schools and local authorities for support…. It’s relentless and hard. We all have our battles, we all have hard stuff going on I know.
On the plus side, there are some wonderfully kind and lovely people out there and some gorgeous, friendly and protective children who have shown so much empathy and patience.

[Susie2468]

Hi there Guest User 7777 and others
Thank you for posting and for the sharing and suggestions.

My son is 9 and has significant autism and learning delay.  He is initially shy but then loves fun and simple games like "catch" or just running together.   He attends a special school.  Apart from friends of mine and family members he makes no friends at all of his peers.   I think he is getting more and more aware that other youngsters have friends or go out in groups.  If anyone with an SEN child or neuro-typical child would like to meet up I would love that and even if it was only once or twice a year it would be transformative for us. 

I take him out a lot on trips and it seems a waste to do the journey and arranging for just the two of us  when we could have a friend or friends join us.

I am not sure how we contact through here but will check back.