Another married guy here trying to make sense of all this. Firstly, I would like to say you have my sympathy in what must be a terrible situation.
Let me start by saying there really can be no justification for this kind of thing. But that doesn't mean that there are not causes at play here. Too often men and women fail to talk through their issues especially when their circumstances change such as when they have children. Both parties can struggle to deal with the new additions in their lives.
The problem seems to centre on the inability of some men to adjust and grow up - as the poster below states. As men we all have these 'urges'. The difference is some men - or even women - act on them and others don't.
I have known guys exactly this your husband in the past. Some manage to change their ways but other don't. My advice would be to work through your problems and try to save your marriage. But if your husband is not going to adjust his character and make some changes you are better off without him.
Hope this helps and good luck for the future.
honestguy wrote:Just a happily married guy here trying to help.
I work with people that often do this kind of thing and justify it in a number of different ways.
Some men are unable to see what's wrong with this type of behaviour in fact they wouldn't see it as being unfaithful. There was no flirting, no longing stares, no waiting for the first kiss, no meal out, no affair, no "thrill of the chase". So as far as they are concerned its just a "quick one" and they would feel as much as guilt about it as going to the driving range. They are completely unable to understand that the other half of the relationship wont see it like that as its a complete breach of trust and love to them.
their justification is also sometimes "its not like her i love her" in fact its likely he doesn't even know her real name. Consequently he can detach himself and his emotions entirely. he would view you and her as two completely separate entities altogether. And there would be no correlation.
There is peer pressure to get involved, I'm fairly lucky in that i can say no and would rather put up with the banter and name calling but then be able to go home without feeling awful and inconsiderate.
Some guys cant. That doesn't excuse the behaviour but men don't really grow up at all. The banter can be hurtful and very playground like.
Most men speak, behave and do things they would never do in front of you when they are out with the "LADS" even well educated well off guys do this. Listen into a rugby crowd next time you are there.
I think you need to find away to make him understand how his actions have made you feel and the potential damage it could do to the relationship and the knock on effect that could have had on your family and children's lives.
All for a "happy ending" was it worth it?
Explain what its like for a new mother whose confidence and body image can sometimes be at an all-time low after having children. His life and body will have carried on relatively unchanged and its unfair of him to treat you with that much contempt even though he may not see it that way. Especially at a time when he should be making you feel as amazing as you can when you don't sleep !! He should be in awe of you for work you do at home with the children not out with escorts fumbling around.
But remember us men are just men we all make mistakes - its what we do to put them right that makes a difference.
Good luck hope it works out.