Saying no to my sister? Post Reply

[overnight oats]

Feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place. My sister who I love dearly has asked if she can use our holiday home for a family holiday over the summer.

My husband is a flat no. She has stayed with us when we have been there and it has always been very stressful. Her visit before last resulted in us not having the pool for a day due to a broken wine glass - that was after being asked not to bring glassware to the pool. She also smokes and will smoke at the villa if we aren't there.

That said, her family struggles for money and I would love to let her use it and sort out the inevitable aftermath but my husband isn't being swayed.

My question is can I just say 'no sorry' straight up or should I make something up to let her down gently? Either way, I am going to feel terrible but I can't see him changing his mind.

[Reb27]

That's a tough one! I see where your husband is coming from.

I would let her down gently with a white lie....

Hope it works out

[chorister]

"My sister who I love dearly .............. " whose "family struggles for money"  perhaps can't borrow the holiday home that you can afford because of "a broken wine glass" in the pool ............. your own relationship must of course take priority, but may be your husband needs to re-think his own priorities.  I do wish I could suggest a constructive way to make that happen, but good luck.

[Flowermummy]

Of course I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation. But I’d be inclined to say you should let her use the villa? Is there anything there that cannot be fixed afterwards? She is your sister and maybe can’t afford a holiday elsewhere. And if she was such bad company at the villa previously.. well, it’s better that she goes there without you?!
I’m sure your husband could be convinced? You can maybe agree to let his sibling use the villa once too, to make it fair?

[muddyboots]

If your dear sister loved you dearly back she would not disrespect your property and respect your rules.

You don’t need to say no to her, you need to be honest with her!
Clearly explain your reservations, that you worry she will smoke in your property and not respect the rules with regards to the pool/glass etc.

She doenst deserve to be entrusted with your property quite frankly!
IF and ONLY IF she can promise and respect your rules only then could she be given the opportunity IMO.

Your husband is quite right to not be keen .
It’s not about priorities,like one poster said. it’s about common decency and respect.
She should be grateful to have the option and should he extra careful not less .

Be honest, if she can’t take it, she needs to grow up .

[Torcat]

Tricky..... I don't think a white lie will do it, she will keep on asking every year. You need to be honest with her and tell her no and explain why, and risk the fall-out, or you convince your husband to give her one last go and tell her that this is her last chance, so long as she adheres to your simple rules. Totally selfish to smoke in someone else's home and to get broken glass into or around a pool; that's something a badly behaved teenager would do. However, if you know in your heart, that she cannot follow these basic house rules, then you have to be brutally honest and upfront with her. Don't be guilted into doing anything, she has put you in this position by not behaving responsibly, not the other way round.

[Pluto]

It would be an absolute no from me - no hesitation.  If she has 'form' of not looking after your place while you are there, she definitely won't when you are not!  I would be incredibly worried she might have a accident with a cigarette and set the place on fire (particularly after one or two holiday cocktails!!).   

If it was me I would air the fact that my husband isn't particularly keen on the idea (use him as the excuse if you have to, but also say that you are agreement so you are a united front!!).  Say you are very sorry but your hands are tied - etc etc.  If she has a birthday coming up maybe you could bung her some money towards a holiday if this might resolve some of the guilt.  

I have been in a similar situation myself and after two incidents of baths being left to overflow when we were not there (and various possessions being broken or going 'missing'), I put my foot down - I don't care about hard feelings - I would rather not have my property trashed.

[Tidyplease]

Hard to answer this dilemma.
If you already had told her no smoking indoors and explained that the pool glass was avoidable and caused a lot of issues, because she ignored that, then refuse access somehow.

If not ,then point it out by some careful wording.
Perhaps allow her one more time with the condition that if there is any further issue with the pool etc then you will not be able to agree again (expense etc etc)
If you already are at a flat 'no' already just make an excuse.
The money matter doesnt come into it as there are cheap lets.
If you decide 'yes' it has to be with conditions verbalised.
All house lets need a cleaning afterwards, especially kitchen, if it's left empty so for me it would also depends how good she is at that aswell.
I agree some people are just rather negligent and if it's family its not easy.

[Janet14]

Can’t you just rent the villa and then you won’t be lying when you say it’s not available? Mind you you’re then entrusting it with strangers which could be even worse

[dudette]

How about letting her stay there for free but asking for a hefty security deposit (maybe to the value of what you would get were you to rent it out?) That way she gets her holiday and she also gets a massive incentive not to break your (very reasonable) rules.