How much should we cater for relative dietary requirements Post Reply

[Throwaway]

Advice please.

My wife has an elderly aunt who has always hosted her extended family Christmas Day on account of the size of her house.

In the old days she would cook Christmas dinner and enjoyed doing so, but now she is much older and not able to.

As such we have taken over the cooking but we're not hosting, if that makes sense, it's still the aunts house, its just that we peel the spuds and cook the turkey and the like.

There is a family member who has a new partner and the new partner has some very strong dietary requirements.

Last Christmas this family member complained that no-one had prepared anything "special enough" for the partner. I explained that we're not hosting, the aunt is, and it's up to all of us to pitch in and if the partner needs something special then they should sort that out.

They got very upset and said of course we were hosting, and that we'd peeled and cooked and plated up, and it was rude to leave out the partner. My reply was that we all pitched in as the aunt wasn't able to and they should also pitch in.

It wasn't a really really big deal in the end but the partner did end up having a pretty rubbish dinner but it honestly didn't occur to us that we'd be expected to cater for everyone, we were just helping someone who couldn't do it anymore.

The thing is, I can see both sides of the argument, but I don't really want to be cooking something else on top of the turkey and the like.

I'd like to send a note over explaining that we're all pitching in again and anything special should be brought by those needing it and we can put it in oven but my wife thinks that's too passive aggressive.

We're going around in circles and would welcome outside perspective please.

[chorister]

May be it depends on the detail - if by "very strong dietary requirements" you mean medical restrictions (eg gluten free, or avoiding some allergen) then that's very different from the meal just not being grand enough.  If it is medical then perhaps contact them ahead of time and agree what works and what doesn't and see what you can accommodate.  If they just want a grander meal then perhaps explain that whatever you offer is probably better than eating from a manger in a stable.

[Gluten free]

My family have lots of allergies and intolerances and we rarely spend Christmas at home as my relatives all live outside London.

They always cater to our requirements and make dairy or gluten-free options. If you telephone your family member they will be able to help you source the food easily. For example my family will buy gluten-free sausages (lots of standard ones are gluten-free anyway), gluten-free gravy and so on but I would usually bring gluten-free stuffing and gluten-free Christmas pudding/mince pies. It's a joint effort.

I think the best way forward is to have a phone conversation with the family member's partner . Hope everything runs smoothly for you!

[BobsandBows]

I can appreciate that helping an elderly family member host Christmas is a big commitment for everyone involved, but having dietary requirements doesn’t make someone high-maintenance. It’s an opportunity to be inclusive, especially at Christmas, which is about coming together and sharing in the joy of the season. A small, extra effort for someone’s dietary needs can make a big difference in making them feel welcome. Could it be that some advance communication would help smooth things out? If the partner's dietary requirements are shared ahead of time, maybe a quick compromise could be reached where everyone feels comfortable helping out. After all, a little kindness goes a long way toward making the day enjoyable for everyone.

[Dog Lover]

Your horrible, mean-spirited attitude has made me feel quite depressed. For goodness sake just but this poor person with special dietary needs something nice to eat from M&S. It’s Christmas. Where is your Christmas spirit?

[sconesplease]

Hi,

You definitely don't sound horrible as one poster has suggested.

Another poster has suggested it's a small extra effort - I don't think the effort involved is small, it's considerable. 

I agree with you, Christmas is all about pitching in and I wouldn't want to make multiple meals to cater for different allergies and preferences otherwise where do you draw the line? I wouldn't expect someone to make something seperate just for me given it's Christmas and no one wants to be in the kitchen all day.  I think it's a good idea to send a note prior as you have mentioned so they can bring something along that works for them, there are lots of options out there, COOK, Dukes Hill.

Or ask the couple if they would like to join in and help with the preparation and then they can prep their own

[AsparagusGirl]

It depends on the requirements but as GF poster said, there are ways of making it inclusive without going to endless effort. E.g. if they are veggie then roasting all the potatoes and veg in goose fat would be a bit unfair and you could obviously make many of the trimmings veggie (separate stuffing not in the bird)
Have a think about how you could easily cater for them and if it's all too much suggest they bring some kind of oven meal from m&s or aldi that meets their requirements and let them have a shelf. Definitely do discuss ahead of the day.

[Throwaway]

Hi
Thanks for the all the replies.

Some interesting perspectives which I didn't expect.

I'm sorry my post made some people feel depressed or that some feel I'm being mean spirited. To be clear, we're not hosting. It's not our event in our house and it's not our guest list. We're helping an elderly relative who can no longer do what they used to do. We're all family and, to be blunt, I'd expect other family members to get off their behinds and help.

I think what I'll do is send a group whatsapp around explaining that we're catering the usual stuff but that we understand there are other dietary preferences. We'll ask them what they need from us in terms of space, ovens etc to deliver these special requirements and we'll work around to ensure they have the space and resources to deliver these.

Otherwise we'll end up doing a vegan yule log from synthetic Yak yoghurt when I could be easily sitting up with a drink watching Harry Potter!

[mrs_original]

Throwaway,

You're very far from being horrible, I'll assure you that. From my experience, when we're hosting for people who have allergies, we 100% try our best to make them feel special and don't feel like they need to bring their own food for an event they're invited. For those who have preferences/dislikes, we accommodate what we can so they won't starve but might miss one think or another.

As you said, you're not hosting but only helping the family Christmas party tradition keep going, then you shouldn't be the ones going above and beyond for someone who can't eat this or that just because they decided not to. It's a family effort and everyone one should be chipping in.

Growing up, every yearwe had our family Christmas at our grandparents house and everyone in would choose a dish to cook and bring on the day.

As someone else mentioned, it's Christmas, you should all be happy and celebrating, and the complaining relatives should also be doing their part to keep the Christmas spirit light and festive.

Good luck and hope you all have a lovely Christmas day!

[muddyboots]

So, what is this really about ?

Money?
Not liking this new partner?
What is it that makes you annoyed enough to post on here for advice.

Were you hoping people would say, gah stuff this person and give them a rotten Christmas dinner ?

You enjoyed years of someone else hosting your Christmas dinners, which is a big ask.
Now it’s your turn to pay back a fraction of the favour you seem very picky with your Christmas spirit.

Your choice of words to distance yourself as the host because you are only cooking doesn’t make sense.
You have taken over the responsibility to cook, so you are hosting more or less .
what is the sticking point?
The aunt pays for the cooking ingredients?Do you need to pay for an extra dietary request? Do you pay ? What is so difficult here?

I can’t work out what this is about ?

Stop moaning and find out what the poor guest can eat from the family member. Or will you suggest they bring their own dinner?


Gringe alert

Google some recipies and be NICE!

[GrumpyElf]

It wasn't a really really big deal in the end - sounds like it was
The partner had a pretty rubbish dinner - how nice for them!
It honestly didn't occur to us that we'd be expected to cater for everyone - well, this year you do know
We were just helping someone who couldn't do it anymore - you cannot go into preparation of Christmas dinner with that attitude. You have to own it fully.

Split it thus: You do the main courseS and the potatoes, someone else does the veg, someone else acts as saucemaster (in charge of bread sauce, cranberry sauce, gravy, brandy butter, brandy, cream, everything your family likes), a couple of people do puddings, anyone else can be in charge of laying the table, crackers, candles, etc. And you all share the washing up.

And yes, it's clear you don't like the partner.

[Throwaway]

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I'm not sure if I explained it very well but it's not that I'm expected to cater for the others, I just am helping out because I'm like that. And I think others should help to if they can, and certainly they should help if they're adding to the load.

Anyway, I think I have a clear course of action, Dominos all around!

Maybe not but thank you all anyone, you've helped clarify the issue for me.

[NVG]

Wow some unbelievably rude and mean-spirited answers on here. Speaking as someone with a special dietary requirement I would ALWAYS offer to bring something for myself at an event like this. Xmas dinners are stressful enough to cook without having to worry about catering to outliers. Your family member should have been responsible for their partner’s dinner - it’s totally unreasonable to expect you to do this especially as you say you were just chipping in to help rather than hosting. You are absolutely in your rights to divvy up the catering this year. In fact I’d even be tempted to suggest someone else take it on. Do t be a Xmas dinner martyr! Speak up!

[MonkeySee]

I think you need to make your request a bit broader. If you say we will cook everything except for x's special meal then of course that will be seen as singling them out and appear a bit personal and mean spirited.

If it were me, I would instead send something around that asked for broader participation by everyone. EG
I'll be making a turkey, and these sides but need volunteers to bring the following
- cheese and crackers / snacks for pre/post dinner
- pudding
- vegan meal x 2 (or whatever)
- green salad


 

[gemima]

Can everyone just be nice to each other like a grown up should be?  It's very stressful cooking a Christmas dinner - especially for tons of people.  Add to that the stress of cooking a separate meal for someone with special dietary needs, it could send someone over the edge.  

Maybe the solution is that one meal is made that can suit everyone at the table?  That seems easier and fair?

 I know that a friend of mine tried to make a dairy free dinner for a family and unwittingly missed some milk ingredient in a beefburger and a child guest ended up in hospital.  If you are not used to it, it's easy to make mistakes.  Maybe the original poster would get some sympathy if they just explained this?  

I know that at our school, whilst the chef and team have become accustomed to allergies, some of the teachers invite parents in when say the children are doing cooking in the classroom.  They are scared and feel unsafe.  eg mixing knives between gluten and non-gluten eating kids can cause allergies.  

It's difficult unless you are used to it.

Original poster: it could be life and death for this person so you must show a willingness to help and include them.