mother in law Xmas nightmare Post Reply

[MILnightmare]

Do you think we can refuse to have inlaws for Xmas?

I've got a very pushy MIL. This year we've agreed to have a family London Xmas just us and our daughters but my MIL is putting a huge amount of pressure on my husband for them to visit for a couple of days.

I don't particulary like her and frankly can't be bothered to sit thorugh her running critques of my house and how I do things.

Has anyone negotiated around this and said no? How did you do it?

MILNM

[juliantenniscoach]

'creative chicken pox'??????

[livegreen]

Christmas spirit, a time to be with family.

[MILnightmare]

I know, thats why I want to have it with my husband and my daughters and not with someone who is going to complain about my roast potatos, turkey or size of my tv.

[supergirl]

It's important for children to have a relationship with their grand parents and to spend time with them.
So stop thinking about yourself, stop sulking, get into the xmas mood (if not for you do it for your family) and be happy!

[Honeymummy]

Put her (and yourself) on champagne as soon as she steps in. If that helps, reward yourself (new dress ? favourite cake ?)

[dinosaur]

I totally sympathise and I would say no and stick to my guns. If she is anything like my MIL the champagne will just make her worse. It is your Christmas too and lets face it Mums do most of the work to prepare so why should you compromise on such a big issue. It is important for the children to see their grandparents but that should be for a couple of hours in my view, it will do the children no good to see their mother stressed out.

Why don't you specify some hours when they can come over, or suggest that you visit them on Boxing Day?

[GWcouns]

Wow, I think some replies on here have been bordering on the judgemental. Getting into the christmas spirit, as one post advised you to do surely doesn't involve getting worried and stressed at the thought of someone coming into your home for the day and giving you a hard time -isn't it more about peace and love - which it sounds like you'd have more of without the in-laws?
As a grown up woman with children I think you absolutely have earned the right to specify who you do or don't want to spend Christmas day with. It should be a special day for everyone, and that includes you. I echo the post that says its important for the kids not to see you stressed out and it may even cause strain between you and your husband which also isn't good for the kids. I mean, if you're in-laws are going to be sitting alone in a cold flat with a small chicken on Christmas day that might be different, but if there is an alternative for them, then stick to your guns. Unless of course everyone else has said no too!
I'd say invite them for boxing day - good luck!

[mummytimestwo]

Perhaps a compromise is you do your intimate family Xmas day at your place, then your husband takes the kids to visit their grandparents for the day/overnight while you enjoy some me-time at home. Just think of a reasonable reason why you need to stay behind (not feeling well, your own family needs you for something etc) and send a very nice pressie to go with your husband and be/sound genuine when you say you wish you could have made it and look forward to seeing them soon.

[mum-from-tooting]

I am all for Christmas spirit, I absolutely love Christmas but frankly I never understood what people talked about when they mentioned the stress of Xmas, that is until my MIL came into my life. I am not an unreasonable person by any means and have kept my mouth shut on many occasions but sometimes it just gets too much, won't go into details but could write a very very long post.
I agree that children need to have a relationship with all their grand-parents but it doesn't mean that it has to be on Xmas day so get your husband to tell her that you have already plans for xmas day and visit or get her to come a few days before or later to spend time with the children and her son.
Mine is coming this weekend to stay, have planned a day out at the spa on Saturday to be out of the way, meeting a friend for dinner and a meal out on Sunday to avoid her inviting all her friends and family at our house (without asking) and I think she goes on Monday then I can relax and Xmas can truly start...
Good luck, I sympathise truly.

[MILnightmare]

There are obviously some people on here who have delightful MIL who are nothing more than bringers of sunshine into their lives.

I will be really honest and say my MIL is a cow.

An absolute horror who is rude, condescending, lazy and brings nothing but misery into the lives of those she touches. She walks through the door and critiscises my decorating, my food and my children. Their clothes are ironed the wrong way, they eat the wrong food and my husband (her son) is not supported enough in his work (I work as well.) It is my fault he is not more succesful (because I haven't helped him in his career) as though she thinks my stressful commute and job I can barely tolerate are selfish lifestyle choices as opposed to absolute necessities that we need to pay bills.

I am not thin enough, not as pretty as his previous wife (who left hubby after having an affair) and can do nothing, absolutely nothing, right.

So before anyone tells me to discover Xmas spirit I suggest they get some themselves and thank their lucky stars they don't have my MIL.

For those in the real world any advice gratefully received.

[supergirl]

You have no idea what kind of mother in law people have. Most of us dont complain about it and make the best of what we have.
You asked a question on a public forum about smthg, if you dont like some answers dont post.
Happy Christmas!

[juliantenniscoach]

Ok can I put a contrary position? Thankfully my IL's are great but I can imagine how difficult it would be if the opposite applied.

Christmas is supposed to be an enjoyable time for all, hopefully with your families and friends. Now the poster has clearly not enjoyed previous Christmas's due to the constant sniping from the sidelines. So, asking an open question, why should she have to put up with it?

Shouldn't the poster be allowed to enjoy her Christmas with her family (partner and children)? I don't see why she should be made to suffer for the perceived "greater good". I would be surprised if the poster has actually written the full history behind the post so perhaps we should bear that in mind.

In that situation I would speak to my wife and either get her to explain my reluctance given previous visits and if it can't be resolved, keep Christmas Day for us and then see them on Boxing Day. You could of course turn the tables, and invite yourself to their's for Christmas and watch someone else run round at 100mph to keep smiles on and tummy's full.

Personally, I didn't speak to one of my sisters for a number of years over an issue. Eventually tensions thawed, through negotiations with my late father, and the issues were resolved. Sometimes it takes a long time to work things out.

Merry Christmas to all.

[SwedishMomma]

Random question sort of on this topic - did anyone find their in-laws really annoying when your child(ren) was born, for seemingly petty reasons, but found it got easier as you got used to motherhood/your kids got older?

[metoo]

my husband (her son) is not supported enough in his work (I work as well.) It is my fault he is not more succesful (because I haven't helped him in his career) as though she thinks my stressful commute and job I can barely tolerate are selfish lifestyle choices

- Goodness - this is my MIL are you sure we don't share a husband If it wasn't for me my husband would be running the United Nations don't you know! Nor am I thin enough or pretty enough!! Glad to hear someone else has it too! Weirdly she avoided being around my kids when they were babies, wouldn't hold them, had no pictures of them in the house. Generally took no interest in them at all, (just used to follow my husband around if she visited) but now they are both in the junior years at school she suddenly has become quite pleasant to them. My youger one is wary as he hasn't really got a bond with her! I don't have an answer to your plight but my good friend is a family therapist and she insisted I never let my husband and boys visit her without me as it just entrenches the divide even further. Things are tolerable for me now but I wish you the best of luck!