new live-in nanny- help! Post Reply

[newmum83]

Hi ladies,
I'm probably worrying prematurely, but we've just employed a live-in nanny for the first time. She's just her own bedroom and bathroom on her own floor, and I suppose I kind of assumed she'd spend a lot of her time in there, but so far she's been sitting in the living room with us in the evenings.
I feel a bit awkward, because I don't want to make her feel unwelcome, but equally I need some space. Also, we assumed she'd go home at the weekends, (her family home is about an hour away) but she doesn't seem that bothered.
It's only been a few days, but I think I probably need to have a chat and make sure we all know where we stand - but how?
Can anyone help - I'm terrible at confrontation and really don't want to upset her.
xx

[nanny_kitty]

This is always difficult. She's still settling in so I'd give her a little more time. Maybe a week or so.

I am always a little more sociable whilst I settle in as I would hate to come across as a complete hermit! After a week or so though I can gauge the family situation and will normally make myself scarce when I finish work.

Is this her first live-in job? Does she have nanny friends to go out with in the evening? Feel free to PM me and if you like I could introduce her to some of the vast nanny network in the area!

[newmum83]

Thanks so much, the only problem is that we've just moved to Tunbridge Wells in Kent - where there probably aren't so many nannies.
I don't mean to sound rude, and I really want her to be happy - but I just wondered if she'd be relieved if I had the conversation sooner rather than later.
it's a very sensitive one!
X

[Beketaten]

I think it's a little unreasonable to expect your nanny to spend her spare time either out or alone in her bedroom. What social and entertainment facilities have you provided there? I think it is a pretty strange message to send to the children as well, that the nanny does not mix with you all as a family, but stays away once the parents are home.

She is still getting to know you all now. Is it not the idea that she feels part of the family, as you all live under one roof?

[csml]

Unless you were explicit about what your expectations were when you offered her the job, I agree with those who are saying to give it a bit more time. She might just be trying to socialise and bond with you early on.

Presumably her bed and board forms part of her pay package and so she's entitled to do what she likes when she's off duty (within reason of course!)

Try to think of her as a lodger rather than a nanny if that helps - I'm sure you wouldn't expect a lodger to stay in their room or out of the house.

I totally understand why you want your own space but in the long run it is probably better if you get comfortable having her around - after all, you will be living in each others pockets for a few years and its important to all get on!

[bumpontheway]

I used to be a nanny and I would never have dreamed of sitting with my employers in the evening but also i needed a break too....just like everyone in the household.
I would pop down in the evening to make a cup of tea but even then I would not disturb them as it is was their evening/private time as much as it was mine.

In regards to the weekend it would be normal for a nanny to maybe stay out one weekend with friends or family but not every weekend as her base is your home.

It all depends what her role is etc. I tended to keep the relationship very professional (as in not going into huge details of what my own time involved, similar to an office environment), and this seemed to work well as the job lasted 7 years.

I would be tempted to just have the chat from the beginning, so everyone knows what to expect.

Good luck.

[Jen66]

I agree with Beketatan.

I think it would be incredibly mean to say to someone who, presumably, doesn't know anyone other than you and your family at the moment, to say : 'look, we'd rather you stayed in your room in the evening.'

[confusedofbattersea]

Hi, I would have a chat with her sooner rather than later. Honesty and clarity are always the best policy. You may well find that she feels SHE'S being rude if she slopes off to bed as soon as her 'shift' is over! In a new job and getting to know new children, she'll be exhausted and I'm sure she'll value some personal time as much as you.

That said, you don't want to create an atmosphere where she feels she has to be invisible out of work hours. She is living in your home and needs to feel relaxed and comfortable in order to be a happy nanny.

In my experience of two live in nannies (both very successful experiences), the nanny wants her own space and will understand your need for space too. We tend to chat/catch up for half an hour at the end of the day (sometimes longer, sometimes less) and then both get on with our own evenings.

I'm sure a let's-talk-about-how-the-first-week-has-gone type of conversation will be very enlightening and ensure a successful working relationship going forward.

Good luck!

[newmum83]

Thanks everyone, I decided to have the chat when I got home from work tonight. I just said that I was sure she wanted her own space, and that we didn't expect her to want to spend the evenings with us every night. I also suggested that we cook dinner once a week and all spend the evening together. I think she was relieved to know the score, and now hopefully it won't be too awkward. When my husband got home he knocked on her door and had a chat about her day, so we're not ignoring her. I feel much better now we all know where we stand.
Xx

[bumpontheway]

Brilliant, sounds like a great outcome! I think that is a lovely idea to all have dinner together once in a while, it is just about getting the balance.

My old bosses would take me out for dinner once a year to say 'thank you' for all the hard work and this was always a sweet thing to do.

I hope it all works out well with your new nanny : )

[SBagnall]

My first live in nanny job, my day ended at 7 and I was told I had half an hour to eat then not to be around the kitchen/ living room as it was "their time". I didn't know many people locally and when I did go out in the evening the family clock watched (I was back by 10) it made me feel like going out was frowned upon...
I spent most evenings in my room, incredibly lonely, and stopped loving the job. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

[newmum83]

Hi, we would never say that to her - and I did say she was welcome to come and sit with us if she wanted to - but I was sure she'd prefer her own time. She has her own bedroom, bathroom and a TV with Sky. I even organised a nanny meet up with some other local nannies by contacting the manager of a nanny agency.
But - after 2 days with us she quit on sunday saying she was homesick.
I really don't think we could have done much more - on her first day we took her out for lunch and cooked her dinner, and I printed out loads of ideas for things for her to do. She was only 20 and it was her first time away from home, so I think it was just too much for her.

[MovedtoCornwall]

We are going through the same thing with our (British) au pair. She is really sweet and we get on really well, but I am finding the lack of space really hard. The other day a friend I hadn't seen for over a year came to see us for an hour and the aupair sat with us the whole time, so we felt we had to include her in our chat and couldn't really talk to each orher. She is very confident, and unafraid to air her opinion, so if in the evening we politely ask her whethere there is anything she would like to watch in particular on tv, she just says exactly what she wants, which means we have ended up watching things we would never have chosen, she never asks if we are ok with it. Ditto this weekend when my family came to stay and she ate every meal with us and came on all our outings, even though it was her day off. Everyone felt they had to entertain her and therefore it didn't feel like the family weekend we wanted to introduce them to our newborn.
I totally sympathise with her and really want her to feel part of the family, as I said, I like her very much. But we have only had one night on our own in three weeks and that was because my mother took her out to supper so that we could!
Going to have to broach the subject, but I am such a wuss. I like the idea of suggesting a meal all together (probably twice a week) and then saying that the rest of the time she doesn't have to join us - but I am afraid she won't take the hint. I have tried it a few times, eg on her day off i said 'i'm sure you dont want to hang aroubd with us on your free day' but she just says things like 'no that's okay, I will come along to your friends house with you.' Argh. I did once say that 'like us, I am sure you need some space' but she just ignored it.

[newmum83]

Oh no, I really sympathise with you! I'm a wuss too - and when she phoned to say she was leaving all I could say was, 'OK, don't worry,' even though she'd let us down royally.
It's such a hard one. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her, or for her to feel lonely, but equally we all need our space.
I'm going on only look for local nannies now with their own friends and family close by, so hopefully boredom and lonlieness won't be such an issue.
Maybe you should have a stiff drink, sit her down and just be really hnest with her. With a newborn baby in the house you really need your own space and maybe she'll be relieved to know you don't expect her to come everywhere with you.
X

[SBagnall]

Why don't you try to help her socialise more outside your home, meeting other nannies, citysocialising.com is good to meet new London friends, or if she has hobbies like photography, art etc try finding a meet up group on meetup.com- these helped me when I was new to London. It is much much harder to be a live in nanny then most people realise. You may have given her a room but it takes a while to settle in and it probably doesn't feel like her space or home yet. Everyone needs a social life and working alone with only children for company can feel socially isolating- we can't go chat with a colleague whenever we fancy... She's probably hanging around you because she wants ADULT interaction after a day with kids and she doesn't really know anyone. Would you want a day of looking after someone else's kids then an evening alone in your room everyday??
Even putting an ad on here may help her meet local nannies in the same situation.