Postby BabyMagic » Mon Oct 07, 2013 3:38 pm
Hi,
As an ex-nanny and teacher of 15 yrs and now a medic running a family trouble shooting clinic (including conflict mediation!), I get asked about this a fair bit.
There seem to me to be various issues at play here, and perhaps the appetite seems a problem but could there be something more fundamental at the root of this? Do you feel like you may have made a mistake when you picked your nanny, and that although she may be an excellent care-taker of your child, your personalities just clash? If so, you don't need another reason to let her go, if she is still in her contractual trial period, as long as you give her plenty of notice so that she isn't financially stranded. A good reference would also be advisable as there are no issues with acre that you have highlighted. Most nannies are nuturing, caring and very sensitive to atmosphere and would prefer not to work in a house where conflict/criticism is a constantly running undercurrent. I am sure you know from working yourself that once a boss who doesn't seem to like you, picks on a flaw, flaws are all they notice and focus on, until you are so nervous that you make a mistake.
Take some time out for yourself to consider things with space and clarity and decide if this is a deeper problem, teething issues, stress you are transferring from your own life or a basic lack of a new nanny not clearly understanding her role. Make a LIST, have someone look at it objectively for you, and try to keep bitterness and emotion out. Treat it as a business management exercise. Do you have a set evaluation time? if not say you would like one, and give a date and time and make it pleasant, e.g. over a glass of wine when your LO is in bed. I advise this once every couple of months anyway. A nanny and family have a close relationship and they both care for the most precious thing in your house, your child. Communication is key.
As a nanny I have worked with 'Under-Nannies', 'Junior Nannies' au-pairs and trained au pairs to take over my role. There is a vast difference, both in roles, expectations and professional behaviour (and wages). You said your nanny is an ex-au-pair. If this is her first nanny job in a house she has not previously worked in, she may well not really know what a professionally trained nanny and/or a nanny with years of experience would do and expect, and where the lines are. Do you have an old nanny you are on good terms with who can come and talk to her? I suspect given the tone of your email that any conversation you have with her at the moment may well prove to emotional for the both of you.
As a medic...have you considered a medical problem? I am not suggesting bulimia, especially as you say she is slim, but an unusually large appetite, along with slimness/weight loss, fatigue etc. could spell hyperthyroidism. This could be a way to tackle things in a caring way, saying you are concerned, is she feeling okay?
She does seem a little insensitive to family dynamics and the working relationship if she eats all the chicken...was it going out of date? Was it only one breast? Perhaps her log isn't always accurate and it was fed your LO, or frozen in a meal. Can she cook healthy, nutritious meals and does she understand good nutrition and feeding patterns in infants and children? If not maybe some lessons or a Karmel type cook book and text book would be good to buy, if her English is good enough.
I would hope she isn't taking food home, as bar the odd snack if she is expecting a very long journey somewhere, this is clearly not acceptable to anybody, but isn't something you can fairly accuse her of without upsetting or alienating her.
The poster who said maybe she was eating three meals at your house could well be right, and appetites vary. It would actually be good modelling behaviour if she ate alongside your child, and encourages children to be more adventurous and varied with their diet, as well as being an opportunity for table manner training, discussion and socialisation. A healthy adult should be eating 7 portions of fruit and vegetables a day, perhaps she is doing this and is more nutritionally aware than your prior employees?
Does your contract state only lunch may be eaten at your house? this would be unusual but not unheard of.
Although she is working approx. one hour less per day than the average professional live-out nanny, you are also paying her considerably less than an experienced nanny would expect. Unless you are outside of London, a good, experienced and well-documented nanny with a varied CV and extra skills is usually on £500-550pw nett. I'm guessing the lower rate is due to inexperience, but she may have been chatting to friends who are nannies and not understand the reason for the difference in pay, and is therefore feeling hard done by. How long did you have to look before you found her and was she the best of the candidates who would accept the job?
Either way you sound unhappy, and this is probably being picked up on by both her and your LO. Not to mention that nannies and au pairs read these threads too, and the comment about suggesting a playgroup etc at your house may be enough for her or a friend of hers to identify her, which would not be a nice situation for you, or for her.
Is money tight, if so, maybe share this with her in a nice confiding way that makes her feel trusted. Tell her your family may have to start cutting back a bit and sourcing fruit and vegetables more cheaply etc and using varied cheaper proteins...lentils etc (the Annabel Karmel lentil recipes are yummy), bulk cooking and freezing etc. For a perceptive, helpful nanny, this may be enough for her to rein herself in alone.
Hope that helps.
