No actual idea what my husband earns Post Reply

[waterlillies]

A regular on this site but using a different name.

Would anyone be open to sharing if they fully understand their husband’s income?

For context we have a great relationship and I am not assuming that there is anything unsavoury going on, but recently my not actually knowing about his salary and our finances has been playing on my mind.

We have our individual bank accounts for our own spending and a shared one for things like bills and general shared spending.

But, I still don't know much about what he actually earns other than what he tells me or wants to tell me. I've never seen a payslip or anything like that. There is no footprint of anything anywhere other than what he puts into our joint account or shares verbally and it is starting to bother me.

Do others have full knowledge or does everyone take what they are told at face value?

[Salarywoman]

Have you asked him directly?

I’m the main breadwinner in my family and I tell my husband when I’ve received a pay rise or bonus but if you asked him how much I earn I’m not sure he’d be able to say exactly. But I would have no issues in telling him, of course. He just has no reason to ask as we share all our money and there is enough (or if there isn’t, we plan together).

If you ask and he won’t say directly, that’s another matter. But I’d feel upset if my husband demanded to see a payslip just because it implies lack of trust.

[supergirl]

In the nicest possible way if thats the way you feel then it isnt a great relationship, is it?

I know everything, i know where the payslips are filed, he ll need my signature to do anything anyway, and I have the master password that unlock everything else.

Why do need to know and have access to everything? Aside from being a team, you need to know as our lawyer told us when we bought our last house is because probate can take a long time. So you need access to cash should, God forbid, the worst happen. And the joint account should hold a few months worth of money.
But mainly, it s about financial partnership not financial control.

You need to talk to him. And I disagree with the previous poster, it has nothing to do with trust, it is about partnership. If someone feels strongly that asking for the payslip is a lack of trust then they need to ask themselves why they cant show them in the first place… do they have something to hide???

[Goldhawk]

Do you work? 
Does he know what you earn?
What forward planning are you doing together for finances?
Do you have a pension?
Do you own property together?

[Salarywoman]

To be clear, I would have no issues in showing my payslip, but I would think it odd if my husband asked me for a payslip because he didn’t believe my response and needed evidence of it. That’s what I meant about trust. In a different context - eg applying for a mortgage, need a copy of each others payslips, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

But yes agree that you need to know each others account details if they are separate should anything happen.

[muddyboots]

Finances are a common source of disagreements and emotions because it’s very personal how you feel about them. It’s often a reflection of how you grew up and your early experiences.

Personally, I came from a family where my parents shared everything. Just like you break bread as a family, you share your income as a family, to me anyway. So this forms you and it’s very personal.

Therefore, as a result, when couples have distinct mine and yours I find it offensive.
That’s just me.

To count who paid for what or have let’s say household bills covered but one partners has more earnings and wears flashy clothes while the other can’t? Is this shared life ?

Either way,
To answer the question, I think you should know .
It shouldn’t be some kind of weird stand off to find out .
I don’t recall exactly what my husband earn because I’ve not felt the need to remember. I know I can find out exactly should I need to by simply asking .
I would also be able to find out like super girl because we file and don’t hide things.

I think it is about trust, I know of couple who have “secret savings” . To me this is just a sign of mistrust.
If you are to build a life together truly, you need the same goal and be on the same boat.

People should do what suits them and many will find freedom of financial independence. All this a is fine as long as both are OK and in agreement and not lied to.

[juliantenniscoach]

Why has it started to bother you now?

[Joe1985]

I think the comment about probate is a useful entry point for a conversation. My own finances are complicated so I spent some time writing notes on where everything is and how to access it. I was more concerned about my wife missing an account and investments being lost forever.

That said, I don’t have physical payslips and didn’t think that important in the event of a probate. Life insurance however…

My wife hasn’t asked what I earn but she knows roughly (it varies) and I’d think it odd if she asked for evidence. There’s only really one reason to need to know.

[123Guest]

I am in a similar position. Actually, I know roughly what my husband earns, but what I don’t know is what savings he has. It matters because we’re committed to private school fees (which I don’t know if we can afford or not) and because, if he died or was taken seriously ill, I have no idea where anything is or how I would support the family. I recently asked him directly and he didn’t answer. It does feel strange - we have a good relationship so I am not sure why it’s important to him to keep this private (he does know everything I have and earn, which isn’t much). To be fair, perhaps I haven’t been clear enough about why it’s important to me to understand. If it helps, OP, I think my next move is to suggest we have some counselling but my only worry is that feels a bit like I am saying there is a bigger problem.

[123Guest]

Sorry, I should say that I do know he has a savings account and investments, as he often says he is paying the school fees from there.

[chorister]

Depending on your collective overall financial position it might be much more important to be sensible about sharing assets than knowing about income (though I cannot imagine why one partner in a married couple should not be open with the other about their income).  There are really important practical reasons for ensuring that eg a house and other investments are in joint names - get good advice, but if the worst come to the worst and one of you drops dead than you want as many assets as possible to transfer automatically to the other without having to go through probate.  The only sensible exceptions are ISAs, SIPPs etc which have to be held by an individual.

[Mikeydon]

As long as he is paying for what he needs to pay for in the household why do you feel the need to know how much he earns. Being married doesn’t mean he is not entitled to have some things as private. You will know how much he earns if you divorce him or pursue him for child maintenance, other than that his earnings is his business.

[123Guest]

I hadn’t thought of it that way. Perhaps in some couples both spouses feel like that, in which case of course it’s right to respect the other’s preference for privacy. But others might think of marriage (or other relationships) as a partnership, when assets and money are shared. It doesn’t mean you can’t keep your own accounts, just that everyone is open about what there is, so both partners are equal and neither feels at a disadvantage.

[waterlilies]

Hi everyone and thanks for you replies.

It is a relief to me to know that I am not the only one in the dark about actual salary.

To answer your question Julian, the only thing that I can put my finger on in terms of why it is bothering now is possibly that a close friend is going through a divorce and whilst i don't think that we have anything other than a great relationship, it may have got me thinking about how I would stand etc. if anything were to happen.

Thanks again for your responses.

[supergirl]

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 To answer your question Julian, the only thing that I can put my finger on in terms of why it is bothering now is possibly that a close friend is going through a divorce and whilst i don't think that we have anything other than a great relationship, it may have got me thinking about how I would stand etc. if anything were to happen.

Then copy his tax returns if you know where they are filed