Blending Families: Struggling to Balance My Teen Daughter's Independence and New Dynamics Post Reply

[BlendedFamily]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I’m getting married next year, and my fiancé has two young children (both in primary school), while I have a daughter who is currently studying for her GCSEs.

My daughter and I have an incredibly close bond, especially since I was a single mother. She’s very independent and strong-willed, qualities that have grown out of the responsibilities and freedoms she’s had due to my single parenting.

She’s handled them remarkably well.

Now that we’re preparing to become a blended family, she sat me down for what she called a “non-negotiable” discussion. She told me that while she’s happy for me, she doesn’t want or need another adult—my fiancé, specifically—to discipline or “control” her. She’s made it clear that she won’t view him as an authority figure or engage with him in that way.

I want to stress that she’s never been difficult or disrespectful, but this feels like a pretty extreme stance.

The plan is for all of us to move into a new home and try to create a cohesive family unit, which I was really hopeful about after being on my own for so long. But her resistance makes me wonder how to balance her independence and comfort with the realities of blending our families.

Her “bargaining chip” is the option to go and live with her father, but we both know that isn’t ideal for many reasons.

Has anyone navigated something like this before? How do I respect her boundaries while fostering some sense of family togetherness? Any advice would mean a lot.

[Goldhawk]

Why do you need to marry and blend now?  Why not wait until your daughter is 18?
How many nights will you have his children and what role are you expecting to play for them?

[BlendedFamily]

That’s a great question, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

We’ve thought a lot about the timing, and honestly, there’s never a “perfect” time. If we waited until my daughter is older, his children would then be entering their own challenging age groups. Waiting for the “right” moment could mean putting things off for another eight or nine years.

I genuinely believe she’s happy with the marriage overall; I think this is more about her wanting to set boundaries and make it clear she’s not looking for a new father or authority figure in her life.

[muddyboots]

Whilst it’s great you’ve found love, I can understand your daughter’s perspective.

Not only has she been through her parents divorcing, she’s also a teen. This is a lot of change to cope with . And now this.

Frankly you can’t put her in a position to expect or demand anything. Your child comes first, her needs comes first .

Why would she want a random man who is not related to her to play dad . I say random because he is a random guy who you happened to fall in love with . It’s too late ti play happy families .
You can hope for it, but can’t expect it .

I say, don’t put any pressure on her . Try to be as positive and open and welcoming around her when as a unit together. Don’t force anything .

She might enjoy having a new extended family , but she might also not .


You say you have become extremely close since a single mum, your new man is a rival to her because he takes Tina and attention away from her .

She’s probably too young to think of your needs, she’s a teen .

I would say chill , take it as it comes . Shower her with love and understanding. Don’t try to replace her dad .

[BlendedFamily]

Thank you for the replies.

I suppose I'm wondering whether to agree to the request, as in to sit both her and my partner down and lay this out in clear terms that he doesn't have any authority over her.

She won't be happy with anything else, yet my partner is a little nervous that there she could party, invite friends over and do whatever she wants and he has no input.

[supergirl]

I think it shows great maturity from your daughter, she has obsviously thought it through and reflected on how it may affect her.
I am not in this situation so i m not qualified per say to comment, but I am a mother of 2 teens one of them being 16.
I would treat it the same way i treat any “demands” coming from my teens and especially the 16 yr old. Ie with common sense.

I would thank her for talking to me about the / her future. I would actively listen to her worries to decide if it is a fear of change, if it is something she s read about the wicked stepfather, something she s discussed with her father and / or her friends who could be in a similar situation.

I would then tell her that she is right. No one is trying to replace a father figure for her. And that whilst she has shown fabulous independance and reailience and that you trust her and her judgment ao far, the expectation is for her to respect the people living in the same household as her. It isnt about telling her what to do but about living in a community and respecting the people in that community. Great skills to learn now if she goes on to live in a shared house at uni. She ll be living with people she didnt know before.

I would also highlight the fact that this person is coming with his own wealth of experiences and that obviously you trust him since you want to marry jim and build a life together. Therefore she could be surprised that this person may be a benefit to her life too with different kind of knowledge, friends and experiences she could learn from and benefit from.
She could also develop a kind of special friendship with her two step siblings. Point is I wiuld encourage her to keep an open mind.

Maybe it is the time for her to develop a more grown up attitude and friendship towards new adults in her life. Seeking guidance from different viewpoints.

So whilst you would be doing the day to day “policing”, I would remind her that it takes a village to raise a child. And that a village isnt only family.
I would also remind her that she is still in her formative years.

On a practical level, why not setting aside regular chats in a neutral place to discuss and talk about the living situation so you can minimise the potential issues and solve them before it becomes a big deal amd bring resentments?

But I still believe more than ever now I am faced with teens, that they do still need boundaries and reminders that there is a whole world around them and of which they are not the centre .

If you rephrase what she said in a positive adult manner, it is actually for both of you a fantastic opportunity to talk and to get even closer.

Good luck

[muddyboots]

sorry, have to reply again.

Why are you suggesting she can do what she wants as if there are no boundaries?

It’s should be YOUR rules and boundaries and your husband should be allowed to expect her to follow and behave in a manner you expect her to.

Do you let her bring people whenever over or party without permission? Why would she do it and leave your new husband on tenter hooks in his own home ?

I would tell her that your rules apply like they always have and your husband to be will only follow your mandate when you absent, this is fair. Not as if he will start introducing new rules do or tell. her to go to bed early etc.

I can understand that she doesn’t want a new person parenting her etc but she can’t expect to behave in ways she would normally not and also she will have to be considerate towards younger children.

You are the parent.
I don’t think you need so much negotiation either, it’s not the UN.

Tell her you expect her to behave within whatever framework is normal for you : you see the parent and decision maker.

Kids rebel but need and want boundaries.
They push and push, but really they are checking where the wall is.

She’s only asking to not have a new dad.
Unless you let her do what the hell she wants, she should not expect to behave like she’s 18.

I would not make it a big thing or negotiation.

[BeStepWise]

I run a business helping step-parents, and think this is a very valuable question as it highlights a difficulty many step-parents have. At the same time, I completely understand your daughters point of view. She must be 15 or 16 and I can just imagine how she might feel. I was a step-daughter of that age when my mother died and my father started dating someone else. I was not about to be told what to do by any adult in a parenting capacity. I wasn't half so adult about it, but that is another story. So I commend your daughter for being adult enough to raise this topic in a sensible way. I also commend your future husband for pointing out the trouble this could lead to, if he can't make any rules in his own house, and can't say anything.

Here are some ideas gleaned from other step-parents I have spoken to. 

It is sometimes helpful to not aim to 'blend' a family but to consider yourselves as two families under one roof. So hold off on outwardly hoping for a cohesive family unit. Instead, think two familes. This will allow for difference, tolerance of others; and people being able to continue to be themselves.  No pressure to change. This might work well in your situation as you will have two much younger children and a much older child of your own. So children with very different 'needs'.

You could also consider house rules, not your 'rules', or your joint parent 'rules'. Your daughter is not difficult or disrespectful, and she's working hard for her GCSE's. So she already understands courtesy to others, the need for discipline and respect. You will already have things that are 'ok' and 'not ok' to do, around bringing her up already. This is your starting point. No change. Things that do have to change in the future, could be done so she has a say (at an informal meeting with you and your future husband at a meal or something). And anything agreed is made really clear, and becomes a house rule. Sometimes it's useful to make a special effort to reward the keeping of rules in step-families. So children know it's been noticed and can feel good about that. A further tip is to make her new step-dad the good cop. And you take more of the bad cop role, (if needed). It can build the relationship if he hands out the treats or makes the compliments. 

I very much like the suggestion of the previous respondent to having one-to-one time with her, to head off any issues she might have. I daresay, given you have a close and special relationship you will continue to do lots of special one-to-one things with her anyway, but this is a good strategy. 

Also, it might be good if your future husband could develop something they could do together, away from the family environment, an interest, or a sport, or something. 

I believe that your situation bodes well. I should imagine that this new relationship you are going into could be very good for her. Once it starts she could become more relaxed, and grow into the elder sister role she might quite like. (Not yet - but she might really like it later). She may also enjoy the fact that you have another new friend, and just as she is spreading her wings and becoming her adult self, she doesn't have to worry about you.

I would go ahead and have a meeting all three of you together. She is right, she doesn't need someone to control her or discipline her, and perhaps you could reassure her she won't have this. Yet there still have to be 'house rules' that will need to be respected,  as there always have been, that your husband will have a say in these, as will she.

And finally. You are marrying next year. She will be into her A levels soon, and my memory of that is of growing up fast. Then she'll be ready to leave home. Time will fly by. She lives in a fast changing world, and in a flash, things will change, then change again. You future husband has a little window to make the most of getting to know, your lovely independently minded daughter. 

All the very best, may you have a wonderful future ahead.