Dear MO2,
I think it's wonderful that you have recognised the beginning of something you suspect could become a serious issue in the future, and are tackling it head on before those buttons you mentioned your daughter likes to press, get set as the default auto-pilot! It's something I often see and help mums and dads with, so if you'd like me to help (after reading a bit more), let me know.
My name is Sophie and I am a Family Consultant working mainly in behavioural management, child & parent troubleshooting, sleep training and weaning, although I also teach first aid and CPR, help new parents and give talks to NCT groups etc.
I have a BSC(Hons) in Medical Studies, a BA(Hons) in English Lit & Lang with Child Linguistic Developmemt as my specialism, and post-grad training in early years development and education.
I've worked with children and families for over 20 years and the relationship you describe with your daughter is one I have seen often. Frequently mums and dads get in touch with me slightly further down the line, when things are really starting to unravel. It can be a different animal indeed to sort out these issues when a child is much older (e.g. 7+) although still do-able. Luckily, at 3yrs old the situation is more easily remedied and resentment and frustration at affecting a status quo the child may think they are happy with, can be very much minimised.
No one child is the same as another. Parenting books can give useful tips (and I'm sure you have read very many of them) but they have neither seen your own little individual at home nor watched the interactions between you. My job is to come in and observe, in detail, over a period of time that you chose. I then work with you, and with your daughter, both individually and together (getting anyone else in the family onboard who may need to be involved). I aim to get at the root cause of the behaviour, and the basic reasons for it, rather than applying some kind of SuperNanny naughty-step bandaid. Through talk, observation and experience the basic issues can be identified, and then resolved along with the behaviours and learned responses they involve. This prevents the 'acting out' just being diverted to another area because you've stamped down on the first one.
For example, the angry, unhappy child who bites or pinches his or her baby brother can, most likely, be dissuaded from this by repeatedly putting them on a naughty step or taking away a priveledge etc. but as soon as the parent's back is turned they evolve the behaviour to kicking the family cat, or secretly tearing books etc.
The only way to really sort out the problem is to understand why it came to happen in the first place, if possible, and work at that whilst managing the unwanted behaviour. Sometimes this may not be obvious, or the child cannot articulate the issue or a parent recognise all of the contributing factors. That's where 20 years of experience in the field, observation, training and an uncanny ability to 'read' babies and children comes in!
You mentioned in your post that you are happy to travel. If you'd like me to help, I do all the travelling...to you. It's not very easy in a clinical setting, or via skype, for example, in an anxious hour, to fully describe everything you are experiencing. When a problem seems firmly entrenched and complex, there is really no substitution (in my opinion, anyway) for having a friendly, non-judgmental and supportive person come into your family home, to see things as they are. It is my job to look at the environment, the routine, the dynamics and all the little (and big!) interactions between you, and to watch your daughter's reactions and attempts at button-pushing in real-life. I can then help you find a way to change things in a positive and calm way, coaching, modelling and guiding you whilst providing support that continues after I have left.
I have various packages available on my website
http://www.gentle-start.com which illustrate the kind of help I can provide. Often the parent(s) and I arrive at a more individualised arrangement, if their requirements are more unique.
If after consideration, you think I may be able to help, feel free to drop me a line through the website or give me a ring or a text on 07787993156 and we can have a chat. I've just got back from a job in France, and often work away, so if you hear a foreign dial-tone, don't worry, just leave a message or text (if you prefer not to email) and I will ring you back as soon as possible.
Yorur daughter is a lucky girl to have a mum who so is so pro-actively trying to create the best and healthiest mother-daughter relationship possible!
Warm regards,
Sophie (07787993156)
http://www.gentle-start.com
