Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on maternity

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Notjustamummy
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Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on maternity

Postby Notjustamummy » Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:42 pm

Hi there

Sorry in advance for a bit of a long email, I'd really appreciate it if you can have a look and share any practical suggestions you might have.

I am about to have baby #2, very happy and excited. One fly in the ointment - I'm wondering if anyone here is able to give some advice on a situation that was a bit sticky for me with baby #1 - I'd really like to come out of things this time round feeling like I'd handled them in a more adult way, instead of vaguely wronged :).

My partner and I are both self-employed, I earn a bit more. We do ok, not millionaires, but not poor either, I do know I'm talking about a first world problem here. We split everything down the middle, we have a joint account for that, and the rest of our cash we keep in our companies. This works great most of the time.

When we had baby #1 I was off for almost a year, not entirely planned that way, just took a bit longer to get a new contract. For the first 6-8 months or so, we carried on splitting things down the middle, then I had to put my hand up and say that things were getting tight, and my contribution dropped down to maybe 20%. By the time I got back to work, funds were almost totally drained, I was relieved to be earning again.

At the time he was fine to pick up the costs his side, but down the line he was hit with a big tax bill, and I ended up feeling bad about that, but also bad that he didn't seem to register that I'd lost out on a year's earnings, as well as using my cash to keep up my end. There was a lot of focus on how much he had to pay out the next year - my 'stealth loss' of earnings didn't really get as much airtime.

Baby #2 is a very much wanted addition, and I'm looking forward to my time off, so please don't think I'm super-greedy, but I wonder if there's any better way to agreeing how to approach the cash management side of things when you're as independent as we are? Has anyone else been through this and come out feeling like things were balanced and reflected both sides?

I really love my partner, he's a great dad, we are great at talking about things, but for whatever reason this has me stymied. The point really matters to me, and I'd like to feel it was more fair this time round, especially when we are making decisions about how to spend the money (we don't have - lol!) later on and I want my opinion to carry weight, even if the cash is in his bank account. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for reading.
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tooposhtopush
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby tooposhtopush » Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:15 am

Wow, that is a bit of a sticky one.

All I can say in this situation is communication, communication, communication.

Can you sit down with a spreadsheet now and say something like

"last time we were both impacted in terms of lost earnings and I want to minise the effect and stress."

Then you can lay out all your "costs" and all his "costs" and it may be the first time he's really seen it in that light.

Then you can talk through a solution.

I've always found most of these issues are driven by fear and if he is feeling a bit financially insecure then taking it out on your might make him feel less to blame.

Hope that helps!
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supergirl
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby supergirl » Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:58 am

I agree you need to sit down and discuss and you should both be prepared to listen to the other one and be prepared to compromise. What do you mean that your "loss of earnings didnt get much airtime"?
You both wanted a baby, you re both self employed so do the maths one of you is going to loose some money but it doesnt have to be you...

In practical terms, for us what works (and it is far from perfection) is house budget. I know exactly what i need to run the house and the kids stuffs: that budget goes in the joint acct. Since i dont earn i also know what i need for me (and i m not greedy): that goes as well in the joint acct. From that point i transfer money around: food, kids, me, savings, holidays etc. the house budget is done on a monthly basis but rounded on the edges for the year. This budget is reviewed every 18 months or when smthg change ie. our eldest is now 7 and her stuffs cost more.

So i would suggest you sit down and talk knowing what you need exactly to cover the house and you and your partner and then discuss what you need to cut down and how you are going to fund your outgoing. But i agree prioritising a tax bill is the most important but if you call HMRC they will let you pay in installments.

It also help if none you think the other is better off but can see other perspective objectively. It is very hard to get over the fact you dont earn anymore (for you it is temporary) but the truth is even on maternity leave you ARE economically active so you DO have a say (well i have anyway in my house).

Good luck.
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pie81
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby pie81 » Thu Jul 23, 2015 9:23 am

I must admit I've never really understood why married couples (or as good as married ie together for life which I presume you are) have "his money" and "her money". it often seems to lead to this sort of problem as soon as children arrive and one person's earnings drop.

In my view everything you both earn should be seen as shared, family money - so if you are not earning because you are home taking care of the children then obviously his earnings need to cover all expenses, including (reasonable) spending money for you. I don't see why you would have to contribute financially if you are not earning - you are looking after your joint child so are contributing that way instead.

If everything was seen as family money then it wouldn't be a case of "his tax bill" vs "your loss of earnings" it would be "WE have had a hard year financially, how are WE going to cover everything?" Much more cooperative and less resentment.

Is that a possibility? From a practical perspective it means a joint account for ALL money with agreed "rules" about what are reasonable amounts to spend/how much we should aim to save/etc.
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JulieA
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby JulieA » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:34 pm

Pie81, you read my mind!

I stopped working when we moved to the UK and since then we only had one joint bank account, all my husbands earnings go there and we both take money out when needed. Then when I was asked to do some freelance work, I did setup my company with a separate account, but we both consider the company money as ours, not just mine.

Of course on occasions one of us might question an expense made by the other one, but we both know what our finances are so we both try to be reasonable, and so far so good.
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Janet14
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby Janet14 » Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:09 pm

As the daughter of a Mum who gave all her inheritance to her husband (my Dad) only to find herself divorced and with nothing now to live on in old age I was always brought up to be financially independent even if you get married so Notjustamummy I can definitely understand having separate accounts. My husband and I both had our own careers and money when we met and we both put the same amount into a joint account to cover bills and have a joint credit card for any joint extras. Outside that we are financially independent. I have been on maternity twice and knowing how much my bills are a month I actually saved up for it so I could still pay half of everything. If push had come to shove I probably could have relied on my husband more but I didn't want to be negotiating every time I wanted to buy something for me! I also wanted to take a year off. If however you don't want to do that (and you're not married to an accountant like me!) then yes I'd definitely sit down, work out your finances and who's paying for what in advance so there are no arguments down the line. It always seems so petty when you end up arguing over who's paying for what! Maternity leave is such an expensive business I'm glad I'm back at work earning again! Good luck!
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supergirl
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Re: Advice appreciated - managing joint cash when on materni

Postby supergirl » Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:47 am

I dont see why it gas to be mutually exclusive...?
Why would you feel you have to justify every expenses for yourself if mobey is in the same account and / or jointly managed? surely you re both adult.
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